There are a variety of reasons why someone might be overly critical of others, regardless of the relationship between them. For example, if you grew up in a highly judgmental environment or among a disapproving family, you might have developed similar habits.
Oftentimes, at least in my experience, we become critical of ourselves and others as a form of protection. We think if we can be perfect—and force others around us to be, too—we will be safe. We won’t be judged, ridiculed, or condemned in any way. We will find success and fulfillment, etc.
However, this criticism offers the opposite of protection. It holds us back from authentic connections and genuine self-love. If you’re constantly picking apart your partner, you aren’t accepting them for who they are. Instead, you’re likely instilling insecurities in them, tearing them down rather than building them up. Even if it’s unintentional, it can cause damage to your partner and your relationship with them.
Here are five signs you’re hurting those closest to you by being overly critical.
1. You’re constantly nitpicking your significant other
Does every little thing bother you, from your partner’s style to the way they talk? Do you find fault in everything they do, including how they clean or what they eat? Does every minor mistake, like showing up a few minutes late or accidentally burning your dinner, strike you as a red flag?
While it’s normal to call out major concerns in a relationship, nitpicking every perceived fault or flaw might lead to tension and resentment.
2. You’re highly critical of yourself
In my experience, if you’re hypercritical of yourself, you’ll end up being hypercritical of others, too. This is especially true when it comes to romantic relationships.
Dr. Jessica Higgins, a relationship coach, psychologist, and facilitator, wrote about this correlation on her website. She noted that self-critical individuals often project their high standards onto their partners. Both you and your partner are allowed to be human.
3. You tend to micromanage your partner’s life
Do you feel like you can’t trust your partner to make their own decisions? Maybe you’re constantly pushing them to work out more, eat healthier, get a new job, change up their style, etc.
Of course, it can be healthy to inspire or encourage your partner to take care of themselves or be ambitious. However, remember your partner is an adult who is perfectly capable of making their own choices. If you don’t agree with those choices, rather than trying to micromanage their life, perhaps reconsider whether you’re compatible with them.
4. You’re overly defensive
Oftentimes, when someone is hypercritical, they can’t take the criticism they so easily dish out. Think about it: when you’re already highly judgmental of yourself, it feels awful to get that from others, too.
According to Dr. Higgins, critical individuals often become easily offended or insulted. This is likely because perfectionism and criticism go hand-in-hand. If you feel like you’re falling short of the high standards you set for yourself (and others), you might be quick to react when someone gives the slightest bit of feedback.
5. You’re always focusing on the negatives
Look, no one is perfect. We all have our faults and shortcomings. We all make mistakes and have off days. Rather than focusing on your partner’s flaws, consider shifting your attention to their positive attributes. What about them do you like? Sure, maybe they’re not the best with time management, but do they consistently show up for you when you need them? Maybe they can be a bit forgetful, but do they go out of their way to consider you and your feelings?
Sometimes, we’re hypercritical because we’re unfulfilled—and that’s completely valid. But if you find this to be a pattern in relationships, it might be time to reflect and ease up, both on yourself and others.
The post 5 Signs You’re Overly Critical in Romantic Relationships appeared first on VICE.
