Have you ever spotted an attractive person in public and instantly started mentally playing out your life with them?
No? Just me?
Jokes aside, many daters tend to fall for the idea of someone without actually getting to know them. Some might stay with another person based on who they used to be in the early stages of the relationship, while others commit to their potential rather than their current selves.
Doesn’t sound so romantic, does it?
Why do we fall for the idea of someone?
How does this happen? Well, many times, when we feel an initial spark with someone, we will create this idealized version of them in our minds. All the while, we ignore red flags or incompatibilities, brushing them under the rug so we can continue to play out this fantasy.
For example, maybe you initially were drawn to someone because you found them to be attractive, funny, and mysterious. Your brain then ran with the idea that they must be emotionally deep and endlessly interesting, because how else could they have developed such a great sense of humor and mystifying aura?
But then you get to know them better and learn they’re actually extremely judgmental and, well, kinda boring. Still, you’re already attached to the preconceived version of them, so you settle for what’s in front of you, hoping to eventually find that person you built up in your mind.
On the other hand, many of us will start dating someone who really does check all our boxes. However, as time passes, we realize this person is changing for the worse.
For instance, in the beginning stages of your relationship, your partner might have been attentive, passionate, and empathetic. Now, they no longer prioritize you, they’re unmotivated, and they take you for granted. Yet, you stay, hoping they will eventually return to who they were—or, perhaps, they’ll mature into who you want them to be.
This type of relationship is, unfortunately, common. Think about the number of people who wait years on end for a commitment from a romantic partner, clinging to the idea that they’ll one day step up to the plate and want to settle down. Others will even stick by someone who continuously betrays their trust, because they genuinely believe—or want to believe—the person will change.
Grounding your relationship in reality
As Psychologist Nathaniel Branden once said, “The first step toward change is awareness.”
If you’re aware that you’re dating the idea of someone, start to identify the gaps between reality and your perception of it. For example, is your partner actually as helpful and considerate as you think they are, or do they spend most of their time couch-locked while you clean up their mess? Is the person you’re casually dating actually taking steps toward building a relationship, or are they just stringing you along?
Once you can separate fact from fiction, you can begin to address what’s missing. Sometimes, it can be as simple as telling your partner how you feel and what you need from them. This allows them to step up to the plate.
Other times, you really are just committed to an idea that will never translate into reality. In this case, you might want to reconsider your relationship altogether. Use your discernment, and be brutally honest with yourself.
You deserve a tangible love that’s grounded in reality, not one that purely exists in your mind.
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