Have you ever wondered why you attract the same type of people over and over again, despite finding success? Maybe you want to find a nice, respectful partner, but you keep feeling drawn to avoidant, cold individuals.
Why, exactly, does this happen? Well, despite what some might tell you, it’s probably not because you’re actively trying to get hurt like some sort of masochist.
Instead, you could probably trace this pattern back to your childhood.
Is Your Childhood to Blame for Your Toxic Relationships?
Now, I’m not trying to say your parents are at fault for everything. It’s common for us to point fingers at our primary caregivers as the source of all our emotional problems.
But…there is some truth to that sentiment, per psychology.
In fact, according to Santiago Delboy, MBA, LCSW, a psychodynamic psychotherapist, clinical supervisor, and founder of Fermata Psychotherapy, our childhood experiences can impact how we view our relationships, oftentimes influencing our choice of romantic partners.
Specifically, Delboy explained in his Psychology Today article that our early relationships impact how we view and develop intimacy, trust, and emotional connections.
“We learn very early on in our lives what we can anticipate from others in relationships and how our needs and emotions will be responded to,” Delboy wrote.
For example, if you grew up with a parent who constantly shamed your emotions or showed you conditional love, this type of relationship might feel more familiar to you, even if it isn’t what you actually want. Of course, you’d much rather have a partner who accepts you fully as you are—faults and all—but if you were raised to believe you need to mold into a more “easily loveable” person, well, you might default to that pattern.
Thankfully, you can work through these limitations with a professional in therapy. It also helps to have awareness around your relationship patterns vs. your actual wants and needs in a romantic connection.
The truth is, we all come with our “baggage.” What matters is how you choose to carry it, and whether you’re willing to put it down.
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