When Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow threw the concept of ‘Conscious Uncoupling’ out there over a decade ago, it sparked a movement around breaking up with grace for the sake of the kids.
Since then, there’s been no shortage of advice and online discourse about how to have a healthy relationship with your ex – but what about their children?
This week, Ben Affleck gave an insight into how he and ex-wife Jennifer Lopez are maintaining relationships with each other’s children since their split.
Lopez’s teenage twins, Max and Emme, 17, appeared at the premiere of Affleck’s latest movie, The Accountant 2, alongside his children Violet, 19, Fin, 16, and Samuel, 13. Despite Affleck and Lopez’s famously rekindled relationship coming to an end again last year.
Indeed, when asked about his special guests in a red-carpet interview, Affleck called his relationship with Lopez’s twins one of the “joys of his life”. He added that Lopez is still close to his children, saying she is “tremendous” and has “a great ongoing relationship with my kids”.
Affleck shares his three children with ex-wife actress Jennifer Garner, while Lopez’s twins are from her previous marriage to singer Marc Anthony.
Raiford Dalton Palmer, managing shareholder at STG Divorce Law (stglawfirm.com) and author of bestselling book “I Just Want This Done: How Smart, Successful People Get Divorced Without Losing Their Kids, Money, and Minds”, told Newsweek that knowing your boundaries as a stepparent is key – something he has put into practice in his own second marriage.
“I am the guy who married [my stepdaughter’s] mother, so my role is different, and you have to meet kids where they are,” he said.
And far as legalities go, stepparents have few legal rights to see their stepchildren following a split.
“The exact rules vary from state to state, but in Illinois for example, there is an extremely limited and restricted right to stepparent visitation, and that’s about it,” Palmer informed Newsweek.
“The short story is that stepparents’ rights are very limited in general, and the decision of a ‘fit parent’ can trump the right if the stepparent can’t show that the denial of visitation would harm the child,” Palmer added.
Exceptions are made if the birth parent is deceased or in jail and the court finds the stepparent’s relationship with the child to be in the child’s best interest.
Caitlin Severin, a licensed marriage and family therapist and a child of divorce herself, has seen firsthand, both professionally and personally, the strong benefits of prioritizing relationships during transitional times.
“Children often have no say in the divorce, yet they are the ones who are impacted sometimes the most,” she said. As a child, her parents helped her stay connected to her half-siblings on both sides.
“I have deep respect for their abilities to prioritize me and my siblings over their own feelings and self-interests,” Severin added.
To help divorced couples have a healthy relationship with their ex’s children, Severin shared some simple strategies to support relationships with kids.
Let adult issues be adult issues: “Children should never feel caught in the middle,” she said. “There should be no expectations for children to be the go-between or communicator of the family.”
Avoid speaking negatively about the ex or their new partner if they have one. “Let the children have their own experiences and form independent opinions about people in the family,” Severin advised. “You can lend a listening ear to their frustrations, but don’t join in on the venting.”
If a child expresses negative opinions about their former stepparent, Severin suggested this having phrase on hand: “I hate that you are experiencing this, and I am always here to listen.”
Maintaining a good relationship with your ex is also a fast track to remaining in their children’s lives, Palmer added.
“If you want to see your ex’s children, it’s also important to maintain good relations with your ex, or you can expect they won’t make any effort to assist their children in reaching out to you,” Palmer said. “Have respectful, clear communications.”
Ultimately, prioritizing the children doesn’t just help them, it benefits ex-partners too.
“It allows the parents to have an added support network,” Severin told Newsweek. “It can also benefit separated parents in navigating grief around the end of the relationship and reducing tensions and negative emotions regarding the breakup.”
The post How Do You Stepparent After Divorce? Experts Explain Complex Relationship appeared first on Newsweek.
