Courtesy of Courtney Rentzel Photography
When my older sister called to let me know that the painful lump in her breast was not a clogged milk duct from nursing her newborn, my world shattered. My 31-year-old sister was diagnosed with stage 3C breast cancer.
I immediately purchased a one-way plane ticket to stay with her and help with my 2-year-old nephew and newborn niece. Over the next two and a half years, I watched my once strong and bossy sister slowly become bedridden. She then became unable to walk or breathe without oxygen.
In our final conversation, I told her I wished I could take her place. After all, I had no children and was in an unhappy marriage. My sister replied that she was glad it was her and not me. She said she wanted me to have children and truly experience life.
She then asked me to promise to live a life for both of us, doing the things she wouldn’t be able to do. She encouraged me to create happiness despite whatever difficult decisions I’d have to make. I made her that promise, altering my life forever.
At first, I couldn’t handle the grief and ignored the promise I made
Her passing, though ultimately expected, rocked my sense of mortality and shattered me. We had always talked about growing old together in a nursing home and bickering with each other when we were 95, sharing a room like we did when we were kids.
At 27, I was deeply cognizant that I had no guarantee of time. Like everyone else, I thought I had decades before thinking about mortality, let alone a bucket list.
I was in denial for years. I lacked direction, strength, and self-worth.
Running became my outlet for grief. When I’d get tired and wanted to stop, I pictured my sister in her wheelchair, gasping for air, and took another step for her.
After my sister died, I had no mental or emotional energy to deal with my failing marraige. Having a baby didn’t fix it.
I wondered if this was the life my sister envisioned for me as she was dying. Suddenly, I knew it wasn’t. At 29, I finally admitted I was anything but happy and knew it was time to make a change.
I eventually acted on the promise I made with my sister
Braving the judgment I knew I’d face, I left my marriage and moved states with my infant and two large dogs to fulfill my dream of living near the beach despite having no family nearby to help. I started saying “yes” to more things and tackling my newly created bucket list.
An opportunity to visit Hawaii arose, and I jumped on it. In just one week, I skydived, got scuba certified, hiked a mountain at sunrise, and swam with sharks.
Keeping my promise to her — to say yes, to create happiness — changed everything. I gained confidence and self-esteem. That transformation led me to my life partner and now-husband, whom I met on the beach. We got engaged and married on that same sand.
Having my second child with him and feeling renewed in my career and personal relationships, I now live a life my 90-year-old self — and my sister — would be proud of.
I choose myself daily and remove what doesn’t serve me. Every year, I celebrate aging; each birthday I see means I’m still alive, and I will never take that for granted.
I still live near the same beach where I rebuilt my life, and my car is covered in sand, dog hair, kids’ toys, and sunscreen — just as I had always hoped.
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