Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
Ah, international diplomacy in the age of U.S. President Donald Trump — where the handshakes are absurdly long, the photo ops stiff and awkward, and translators overrun by the translated.
You never know which way these meetings are going to go. The difference between a love-fest and a diplomatic ambush is thinner than Donald Trump’s hair, and his intentions more obscure than his business acumen. But isn’t politics more fun that way?
The world just witnessed an example of a White House circle of praise when Italian Prime Minister and woman who will only sing the national anthem at the karaoke bar, Giorgia Meloni met with toddler-in-chief about to throw a tantrum Donald Trump.
The two could not be more in tune on all policy items on the agenda. They seemed to answer all the questions in pitch-perfect unison, even the non-English ones shouted by Italian journalists to the prime minister during the now famous Oval Office “pool spray.”
Although, it has to be said, that was mostly thanks to tricksy Giorgia: At one point, she masterfully interrupted her own interpreter — who happened to be struggling just at the right time with her translation — in order to give Trump a much milder English version of her original Italian answer on the war in Ukraine, Western support for Kyiv and military spending. What a pro.
The president ate it up: “That was so beautiful! What the hell did you say?” he replied. Always stay classy, Donny.
Donny and Giorgia kept love-bombing each other, sharing political views and ideals and praising the great job they’re both doing in their respective countries. The whole thing went on for hours (Days? Months? What is time?), with not much of substance happening or being said.
It was nothing but a lot of talk and Western nationalism, that continued in Meloni’s home turf, Rome, where she welcomed U.S. Vice President and alleged living room furniture enthusiast JD Vance just a couple of days later.
JD went on to sit down with Pope Francis on Easter Sunday. Channelling his inner Liz Truss, who met Queen Elizabeth two days before the British monarch’s death, the VP was the last politician to shake the pontiff’s hand before the Francis passed away the following morning.
There’s only so much even the holiest among us can endure.
CAPTION COMPETITION
“OMG Donald you can’t say that out loud about your wife, she’s right there!”
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