My husband and I are raising our wonderful 2-year-old son. Both of our families live far away. He isn’t close with his family, while I have a somewhat closer relationship with mine, particularly my dad and stepmom. However, they are Trump voters, and my husband doesn’t want our son spending time with them because they endorse values we do not share.
We are liberal, and our occupations are currently being negatively impacted by Trump administration changes, which has only heightened my husband’s concerns. While I don’t entirely disagree with his perspective, it’s still important to me that our son has the opportunity to know his grandparents. I’ve made it clear to my husband that he’s welcome to sit out visits if he prefers, but he remains uncomfortable with this arrangement.
We’ve reached an impasse, and I’m unsure how to move forward. I don’t want to disregard his feelings, but I also want to honor my own.
How should we handle this?
From the Therapist: What seems like a disagreement about family politics is actually a more general challenge that most couples face at some point in their marriage: how to navigate competing priorities.
Put simply, you want to prioritize connection: your son’s relationship with his grandparents. Your husband wants to prioritize protection: preventing your son from exposure to values he believes are harmful.
Both positions come from a place of wanting the best for your child, so let’s look at each more closely through this lens. First, it’s not unusual, especially in today’s polarized culture, for a parent to try to create a kind of ideological safety zone for a child. I imagine you and your husband want to raise your son with compassion and critical thinking skills, but children don’t grow into compassionate critical thinkers by being kept in bubbles. They grow into thoughtful, empathetic, discerning people by being exposed to a range of perspectives, and by having trusted adults around them who help them make sense of those perspectives. Children who are raised in households where conversation is encouraged, rather than ideology enforced, tend to become adults who can think for themselves. That’s why it’s not just OK for your son to be around people with different worldviews — it can be valuable.
Moreover, by barring your son — or excluding himself — from visits with the grandparents, your husband would be modeling values that I’m guessing he wouldn’t ordinarily endorse or want to pass along to your child, such as seeing others in a very narrowly defined way. For example, are your father and stepmother warm and kind to your son? Are they cordial with you and your husband, and willing to arrange visits despite the fact that they disagree with your views and might even consider them offensive? If so, is it possible that the people your husband wants to shield your son from are more open-minded than he is when it comes to viewing others in a nuanced and expansive way?
As your husband prioritizes protecting your son from exposure to certain values, he might also consider what happens when your son is older and asks why he was prevented from knowing his otherwise loving grandparents: We cut people off who have different views than we do. Does that align with the values your husband hopes to impart? It’s also possible that your husband’s impulse is to punish your parents for their views by withholding their grandson. Could he take a step back and consider if this rings true?
The other side of this impasse is connection. For you, your father and stepmother are family who can love your child, carry history and childhood stories, and offer a potentially fond and meaningful generational bond. Your husband, on the other hand, given his more distant relationship with his own parents, might have less desire to nurture challenging family relationships.
It’s OK to navigate distance differently with your respective parents — you’re closer with yours than he is with his. But while distance from family members is sometimes necessary, it generally comes with wide-ranging consequences, and what’s key here is that your son will have had no agency in this decision and therefore those consequences. What will it be like for him when, throughout his childhood, he’ll hear about the fun his friends are having with their grandparents — sleepovers, rituals, traditions, holidays, travel, Grandparents’ Day at school? Then there’s the ripple effect this will have on you: Estranging your son from your father and stepmother will most likely lead to their estrangement from you, a loss that might be too much for you (and your marriage) to bear.
Keeping your son from his grandparents neither protects nor connects, but giving him access does both. You can, of course, attempt to set some ground rules. If visits veer into ideological territory that makes time together tense, you can say to your father and stepmother something like: “We so enjoy being with you and watching you spend time with your grandson. Because we don’t agree on politics and want these visits to be pleasant, we’d like to avoid sharing political opinions when we’re together.”
They might be fine with this; most people want to steer clear of conflict, especially when visiting with a grandchild. But even if they feel the need to say something you find objectionable, you can model the values of respect and restraint for your son: “I don’t agree. I guess we think differently about this.” Then move on to another topic.
Remember that parenting isn’t about constructing a frictionless fortress. It’s about equipping a child to move through a messy, contradictory world with thoughtfulness, resilience and empathy. And sometimes, the first lesson in that might come from watching his parents wrestle with their differences with their own parents — with love, kindness and, above all, flexibility.
Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email [email protected]. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and the author of the best-selling book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.” She offers readers advice on life’s tough questions in the “Ask the Therapist” column.
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