America is home to many horrors, many of which are located right in The Valley.
Bravo’s psychological thriller is back and more upsetting than ever, proving what The Real Housewives of Orange County has already made abundantly clear: The suburbs are a highly concentrated bed of evil. Behind each white picket fence and “gather” sign is the most despicable couple you’ll ever meet.
Whether it’s Jax Taylor and his estranged wife Brittany or dueling divas Jesse and Michelle Lally, The Valley is a constant display of the evil that ensues when single life ends and marriage begins. It’s proof that holding onto the tenuous Vanderpump Rules ties for as long as we did was futile.
Season 2 of The Valley immediately lobs viewers into a vicious reality, showing Jax’s trip to rehab amid a severe drug addiction, a bipolar disorder diagnosis, and a compulsive need to make good TV. When in doubt, Jax will blow up his life and those of seven unfortunate others just to give us gluttonous pigs something to talk about.
Before filming even began, Jax threw a fit when Brittany sexted a friend of his, throwing a table and injuring Brittany in the process. No one can say he acts psychotically just for the cameras. He’s unhinged in every moment, and his borderline abusive tactics have slipped right into actively abusive territory. He will surely “RAWT IN HAILLLL” as Brittany hexed him many times before, but that doesn’t negate that he’s the beating heart of the Vanderpump universe.
And if he’s the beating heart, Kristen is the show’s soul, the anti-hero whose constant trials and errors give The Valley an emotional core.
After Janet and her pregnant belly banished Kristen from the group in Season 1, the focus groups made it loud and clear that we want our Kristen—and we want her now. So, Janet has popped out her baby and returned with the goal to smooth things over and please the ever-fickle Bravo fanbase, groveling to Kristen in desperate hopes of finding a path forward.
That’s what’s so fun about The Valley. Kristen was always the runt of the group on VPR, chain smoking in a back alley while Lisa Vanderpump begged Bravo to cut her loose. But on The Valley, she’s the closest thing we have to an audience surrogate, a cockroach who won’t die no matter how hard mean blondes try to squash her.
The premiere is relatively light on drama, but already, Janet’s comeuppance is upon us. Kristen and her warrior king Zack didn’t take lightly to Janet’s attempted icing out, and the bigger Zack’s hair, the shorter his patience.
Janet apparently went on a post-season podcast tour accusing the two of wishing death on her unborn baby, the kind of ludicrous drama that makes Janet Janet. She’s the funniest villain on Bravo, weaponizing therapy lingo in inspiringly vindictive ways. I can only imagine the evil she did to get that @janet Instagram handle.
The season’s first all-cast event is Brittany’s white party, absolutely no Jaxes allowed. Jax counteracts this by throwing a loser-off at his little bar, featuring some random man with a mullet and everyone’s favorite sad-sack, Tom Schwartz. Here, Schwartz hits Jax with the sad truth that he’s plummeting towards rock bottom, a devastating blow from one of the most pitiful men alive.
But it’s nothing new for Jax. It feels like every other season of Vanderpump Rules has been about him falling apart or trying to put himself back together. This time, the stunt artist is attempting his most ambitious trick yet: a trip to rehab.
The premiere takes place just a week before that begins, a surprise that leads me to wonder if Jax will be off-screen for much of the season. That would be a bigger concern if his castmates weren’t such maniacs themselves.
Jesse and Michelle’s separation has inspired them to be even more disturbed, both debuting new partners simply to spite the other. Jesse’s new girlfriend is out of sight, out of mind, but Michelle is proudly flaunting her new man, Aaron, on camera, alongside rumors they’ve been together for quite a long time. It’s so cool of Michelle to encourage cheating rumors like this, taunting Jesse while pretending to be above it all.
Meanwhile, Jesse is no stranger to antagonism, waltzing into the white party with an unbuttoned shirt and a mean-streak, threatening to take their daughter Isabella to Orange County so he and his new girlfriend can join RHOC. He’d fit right in with those house-husbands.
It’s no doubt a detriment to Isabella’s development that her parents are fighting so brazenly on camera, but maybe she’ll appreciate their Bravo job stability when she has enough money for a good therapist.
As for Danny and Nia Booko, well, they’re still boring and domestic. And that’s okay! Not everyone can be exciting. Sometimes, you need a trip to the doldrums to counteract the chaos all around you.
Nia comes from the Eileen Davidson school of moral compassing. She’s the kind of character you long for in the later seasons of a show, once the shark has been jumped and the status quo is long gone. Sure, her storyline of wanting another baby isn’t exactly exciting, and neither is Danny’s ever-growing smile that masks his lifelong pain, but they’re a slowburn. We just have to let them simmer.
The premiere really isn’t about them, nor is it about Zack and Jasmine. I mean, Jason might as well not exist at all, even though his wife is shadow producing the entire show. His wife is Janet, if you’re wondering who this Jason man could possibly be.
The Valley is funny because so many main cast members are just grandfathered in. Does Kristen’s boyfriend Luke really need a full-time credit? Does Jason have thoughts and/or feelings? How is it that Zack and Jasmine are only now getting full-time after a season on the sidelines?
Either way, this is a great cast, one that gels super authentically. The Schwartz appearance and Lala’s trailer jump-scare are almost unnerving, in response. It’s not their fault; they just reflect such a specific world that feels entirely foreign to The Valley.
This does not extend to Scheana Shay. She can appear on any show she wants, and quite frankly, should be in all of them. Make her a chief stew and maybe I’ll finally watch Below Deck. Make her a traitor and a faithful at the same time. Let Parker Posey teach her a Southern accent and toss her into Southern Hospitality.
All in all, The Valley premiere is a wildly successful hour of TV that releases the show entirely from its predecessor’s shadow. The heaviness of Jax’s drama lingering amongst petty beefs, like Janet and Kristen, is a perfect balance. It’s a good sign that Janet and Kristen don’t immediately squash their beef, both too stubborn to immediately put it to bed for the sake of the fans.
“I’m sorry that I roped you in with Zack’s demonic behavior,” Janet tells Kristen. Shockingly, this beautiful apology lands with a thud.
That ends the premiere with Zach and Kristen still fully at odds with Janet, while Jesse and Michelle’s feud gets more vicious and Brittany prepares to expedite Jax to TV purgatory. Things are about to get so ugly.
If you’re one of those Bravo fans who can’t handle how “dark” The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is, please duck, cover, and find immediate shelter. You are not safe here.
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