A year ago, expectations for The Valley were pretty low. A spin-off of Vanderpump Rules was coming at a strange time.
Yes, VPR just finished an electric Scandoval-fueled season, bringing the show to new heights in the broader public zeitgeist. Prior to that, however, the show had been in the metaphorical dumpster in the back alley of SUR for a few seasons, failing to acclimate new maniacs to the group and never fully recovering from the loss of its OG cast members Kristen Doute, Jax Taylor, and his wife Brittany Cartwright (not to mention former Queen Bee Stassi Schroeder).
Add in that these reality TV heavyweights were fired for reasons ranging from allegations of racism to angering matriarch Lisa Vanderpump and the question of whether a spin-off was of any interest loomed large.
Doute, Taylor, and Cartwright had not ventured far from the network that made them stars. Jax and Brittany appeared in specials, watch-a-longs, and on the Watch What Happens Live couch where Jax has long been a favorite of Bravo impresario Andy Cohen. Kristen Doute even clomped onto VPR in her slides and leggings to console one-time enemy Ariana Madix on their shared trauma of surviving a relationship with Tom Sandoval—I’m sure bonding over the sheer number of living room trumpet concerts they were made to endure. They were gone, but not quite forgotten.
The trailer for The Valley didn’t do much to garner interest in seeing these characters again. A clear homage to Desperate Housewives, the very show that inspired the Real Housewives franchises from which this spin-off of a spin-off is based, the trailer didn’t alleviate any of the shoulder shrug anticipation for this show. We were in the suburbs, with children, new friends and worst of all, lawns!
Moving out of their West Hollywood apartments and into houses with lawns was the harbinger of death for the Vanderpump gang, so the greenery was particularly triggering. This new show seemed light-years away from crew’s former traipsing around WeHo, using each other’s condoms and ripping off cardigans. Jax Taylor and Kristen Doute were forever anointed in cigarette ash and black market cocaine dust as the King and Queen of Chaos. Now Jax is riding around the neighborhood on a lawn mower, a married dad without a single pregnant Vegas stripper in sight.
What we learned quickly is that the commitment to making great reality television through catastrophic life decisions is too integral to Jax and Kristen’s DNA; there was no way this show could fail. Throw in the grounding presence of long-suffering wife Brittany and a stable of equally addicted-to-mess friends, and what we had on our hands was reality TV gold.
Jax and Kristen’s turbulent history is our emotional way in: Their sleeping together, blowing up their lives and relationships a hundred years ago, feels almost quaint now, adding to the tapestry of a genuine friendship. Brittany continues to be a heroine worth rooting for as she navigates motherhood and being married to one of the world’s great narcissists. I know her aww-shucks country attitude is polarizing, but I’ve always seen her as a Matlock-ian figure, using that folksy persona to hide a more shrewd, savvy chess player on a board made up entirely of empty beer cans and Adderall prescription bottles.
The Valley converted even the most ardent doubters into true believers with its unexpectedly searing portrayal of suburban living, the existential crisis that is parenthood, and a surprisingly expansive, yet nuanced examination of middle-age ennui—oh my God, I’m kidding. Imagine? Literally, Kristen Doute ate lizard food in one episode; this is a perfect show.
The strength of this central trio gives us lift off, but the show couldn’t work without the expansion to a full cast of characters ready to mix it up on the playgrounds of Studio City. Kristen brings along her doomsday prepper boyfriend, Luke, to the proceedings. Luke lives in Colorado and has no real interest in taking his rucksack all the way to Los Angeles.
Although Kristen has shown growth since we first met her ripping cigs and being the central hub of Lisa Vanderpump’s ire, there’s no way Luke—poor, poor Luke who thought he was simply having sex with a woman behind a tent he met at a wedding—is doing anything other than moving to Los Angeles. Kristen may have skipped college to pursue her dream of becoming an actress, but she has a PhD in Manipulation from the University of LVP.
Jesse and Michelle were an Instagram-perfect couple who shared a real estate business and an adorable daughter. In all my years stomping the boards of these Bravo shows, have I seen a wife with such palpable disdain for her husband as Michelle? No, I have not. I wouldn’t say we watch their marriage fall apart because it’s hardly together; she basically admits their whole relationship is a one-night stand that never ended. Even Jesse’s ayahuasca journey realizations can’t save them! Rumors swirl about a long-time boyfriend Michelle has been hiding and a tryst with an unnamed director.
Janet showed up on the scene 150 months pregnant and wielding her just-about-to-pop belly like a switchblade, reminding everyone she’s pregnant when confronted with her own bad behavior. Honestly, a genius move. Her husband, Jason, seemed genuinely confused by the drama while Janet was sustained by it, providing her and the baby she was gestating with the vital nutrients it needed. Janet is great because she fancied herself the nice girl and the voice of reason, when in fact, she was on the wrong side of so much of the drama in this friend group.
We also met Nia and Danny, a dad who simply wouldn’t shut up about having three kids under two years old (“3 under 2!”) and his former beauty queen wife who actually birthed said children. Danny is my favorite reality TV archetype, the nice guy who is probably not so nice. A former child star, his getting to know you package showcasing his now-thriving voiceover work will haunt me until the day I die. Nia is a former Miss USA, with accusations (from the internet) of being boring. While that may be a teeny bit true, her sharing her challenges with postpartum depression provided some of the realest, emotional moments of the season. We’re rooting for you, Nia.
Also included in the cast is Brittany’s hometown BFF Zach, who has a hairline that caused wild speculation ranging from hairpiece to being the secret love child of Teresa Giudice. I’d argue that Zach is the real voice of reason this season, clocking Jax’s maniacal behavior and trolling Janet’s grabbing for the crown machinations. His season-long battle against Janet’s Flotsom and Jetsom-like gay minions was a simmering C-story plotline that really brought me joy.
Jasmine is the last member of the friend group, who, along with Traitors winner Gabby Windey, realized she was a lesbian after dealing with the men of Bachelor Nation. Jasmine, despite being used as Jax’s pawn to strategically deploy some gossip in his war against Janet for #1 Gossip in the Group, is likely the most well-adjusted member of the cast.
What makes The Valley so delicious is exactly what’s been missing from so many Bravo shows in recent years: actual friendships. We know the history of Brittany, Jax, and Kristen, but we’ve also seen a bunch of these people (Zach, Janet) pop up on Vanderpump Rules over the years. You get the sense that these folks do all live in the same neighborhood, are day-to-day friends, and are intertwined in each other’s lives. By the time the current Vanderpump Rules cast ran its course, it was clear that most of them rarely interacted without a camera crew and a signed contract.
This upcoming second season of The Valley looks to be one of the rare cases where current events encroaching on plotlines of reality TV feels less like spoilers and more like appetizers. Jax and Brittany’s messy divorce and Jax’s decades-in-the-making stint in rehab for cocaine addiction have been all over the press and will play out on the show. I have been waiting for a How Brittany Got Her Groove Back season of television since she told Jax to “rawt in haillll” all those years ago.
Jesse and Michelle actually come into this season divorced, with Jesse on a redemption tour, which includes accusing his wife of being a sex worker. Kristen, who shared her heartbreaking journey with infertility and miscarriage last year, gets engaged, and we know in real-time that she and Luke are expecting a baby girl this summer. However, the road seems fraught when Luke realizes that perhaps he’s hitched his wagon to an evil genius, an inevitability.
Nia gets activated when rumors of Danny “grabbing a–es” start to surface, as do accusations of Jason taking off his wedding ring when he goes out sans wife Janet. Zach and Jasmine’s significant others are part of the official cast promo photos, so I’m hoping to see more of their personal lives, along with Jasmine calling someone, I assume Janet, a “Karen.” Oh, and Scheana, Lala, and Tom Schwartz from the Vanderpump Rules mothership, all of whom seem to have genuine connections with the friend group, will all be popping up, which feels more like a liability than anything else, speaking to the strength of The Valley cast.
The Valley is a lesson in how to keep Bravo franchises fresh while not losing the characters we know and love. Summer House is a perfect example. The new blood of Jesse, West, and Lexi have made clear how far afield we’ve come from the Summer House origins of drunken ragers and messy hook-ups.
Honestly, Kyle Cook has never seemed so old as when he is DJ-ing a set or talking to 26-year-old Lexi Wood. Give Kyle, Amanda, Carl, and Lindsay a The Valley-type spin-off so we keep them on our screens, while allowing a new crop of youngsters to terrorize the Hamptons. (For the record, let Paige and Ciara do whatever they want: Summer House, Spring Resort, anything!).
As we enter spring with a dearth of Bravo shows—in a week Real Housewives of Atlanta will be the only Housewives franchise on air and Summer House is at its midway point—The Valley will be all that sustains us. And what a meal it has proven to be!
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