In the spring of 2021, Kelsey Johnston was walking to a park in St. Louis with her wife, Kendall, when they heard someone shout, “Go Brewers!” Kendall was wearing a Milwaukee Brewers hat, and when she and Kelsey stopped to talk to the other couple admiring her cap, she explained that she was from Milwaukee.
“Us too,” said the other pair. Kendall added that she’d grown up in a suburb just outside the city. The other couple responded that they too were from that exact same suburb. Furthermore, it turned out the couple, one of whom was also named Kelsey, had just moved in near their house. They exchanged numbers and continued to hang out. Four years later, the two couples are now all best friends. Johnston says they even have matching tattoos.
“All because Other Kelsey yelled at a Brewers hat,” she tells Yahoo Life.
Had Kendall not worn a conversation starter — in this case, a hat signaling something personal about herself — this may have never happened. While most conversation starters don’t end in matching tattoos, many do spark friendships or, at the very least, pleasant interactions. For those who struggle socially, wearing a conversation starter can help break the ice by indicating a common interest. And it doesn’t even have to be an article of clothing.
“I brought a book to a café and read while eating lunch. It turned out that the person at the table next to me had read the same book, so we ended up having a nice chat,” shares Kasley Killam, a leading expert in social health and the author of The Art and Science of Connection: Why Social Health Is the Missing Key to Living Longer, Healthier, and Happier.
Why we respond to certain items
Sharing similar tastes — “I like that band/team/cult film too!” — can make us feel seen, even if we don’t know that person. And if the reference on a bumper sticker, tote bag or T-shirt is particularly obscure, it can draw in fellow fans who may be excited to finally find someone who is interested in the same thing.
A conversation starter piece may also spark curiosity from strangers. Does that restaurant whose merch you’re wearing really have the best BBQ in North Carolina? Who are the Toledo Mud Hens and why are you wearing their jersey? What does the lyric or quote scrawled across your sweatshirt mean?
“By visibly showing a part of your personality and interests, you’re essentially inviting people who share that in common or are curious about it to connect with you,” says Killam.
How to turn that conversation starter into something more
You can’t control how people react to what you’re wearing; you could go weeks in a Dolly Parton T-shirt or Blue Cheese Stuffed Olives cap without anyone passing comment. But you can pay attention to what others might be wearing, especially if you’re in a situation where you don’t know anyone and could use an icebreaker.
“Taking an interest in others, showing curiosity and finding commonalities are research-backed ways to build rapport,” says Killam.
Therapist Alyson Curtis, owner of Attuned Therapy in New York City, agrees that these conversation starters can act as an “instant bridge to connection — and an easy one too.” All it takes is approaching someone who is showing off their fandom. “You might simply exclaim your mutual love for said interest like, ‘I love that too!’ Or ‘Go Dodgers!’ Or ‘I love her latest album!’”
The conversation can end there and still count as a quality social interaction. But if you want to keep talking and see where it goes, go for it. Killam says one of the most common questions she gets is how to make friends as an adult, so strangers may be more receptive to this than you realize.
Follow-up questions are handy. Curtis suggests considering whether there’s something timely happening with that shared interest. For example, if an artist or band toured recently, you can ask the person if they got to see them. Or if it’s a current television show, you can ask them what they thought of the most recent season or season finale cliffhanger.
Killam, meanwhile, says to “try opening the door to ongoing connection for them.” If the other person is interested, they’ll pick up on it. “For example, if they’re carrying or wearing something related to a book, ask them if they’re part of a book club and mention that you’re looking to join or start one,” she says. “Their response will be telling: ‘Oh me too!’ might indicate they’re open, whereas ‘best of luck with that’ probably means they’re not.”
Pay attention to people’s responses and body language to see if they’re interested. If they match your energy, it could be a good sign they’d like to keep talking too. Nodding and smiling, putting their headphones back on and/or disengaging in other ways, however, suggests they’re ready to move on.
Jenny Dreizen, modern-day etiquette expert and cofounder of Fresh Starts Registry, recommends sometimes trying a more direct approach: Simply tell someone you really loved talking to them and see what their response is.
“If they are equally enthusiastic, go for the follow-up question of ‘Would you like to grab a cup of coffee/go for a walk one day?’” she tells Yahoo Life.
If that’s too direct, our experts also suggest asking to connect with them via social media.
“I find the passive nature of having sight into someone’s life on social media is a great way to build a friendship that becomes more organic than weirdly forward,” says Dreizen. “Start interacting with them on social media and build from there.”
Some other things to consider
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Follow your fandom. Showing your love for something you genuinely appreciate (a band, sports team, your favorite bookstore, etc.) will make it easier to connect with anyone who strikes up a conversation about what you’re wearing.
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Controversial or crude messages can put some people off. “If you are wearing a T-shirt with explicit lyrics, it might come off aggressive in some circles,” notes Curtis, whereas just wearing a concert tee is a more positive way to rep a band you like. Context also matters. A political T-shirt may be seen as divisive or confrontational in some settings but may fit right in at a rally or gathering where you know people will share your views. “If you’re unsure about wearing it out in public or to a specific space, sometimes asking friends can provide some feedback,” says Curtis.
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Keep it positive. So you’re a Yankees fan who has spied a Red Sox cap out in the wild. Resist the urge to make any negative comments or become antagonistic. Don’t yuck someone else’s yum!
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Don’t take it personally if your conversation goes nowhere. If nothing comes of it, that’s OK. “It’s still great to have a one-time brief but pleasant interaction with a stranger,” says Killam. “Small moments like that can still help us feel more connected.”
And keep at it! “Socializing is a skill like any other that requires practice,” says Curtis. “The more you wear pieces that speak to your unique interests, the more you’re sending out signals for potential connections.”
The post They bonded over a Brewers hat. Now they have matching tattoos. Can wearing a conversation starter spark friendship? appeared first on Yahoo Life.
