Donald Trump turns 79 on June 14 but what do you give the president who has everything– including immunity from criminal acts?
Fortunately, Trump has signaled exactly what he wants: a splashy, 4-mile long military parade. This makes sense. For decades, Trump lived on Fifth Avenue where weekend parades celebrating Pride, National Puerto Rican Day, and Labor Day marched past his windows. How many times did he peer out from the 58th floor and wish for a spectacle that he could believe in… his own greatness.
Plus, Trump is short a parade since he moved January’s swearing-in to the Capitol due to frigid temperatures. This broke from a 196-year old tradition of presidential inaugurations including a parade.
The most elaborate celebrated an actual general and took place when Trump was seven years old.
Dwight D. Eisenhower’s 1953 inauguration parade covered ten miles, lasted two and one-half hours and featured 22,000 service men and women, 73 bands, 350 horses, 3 elephants, an Alaskan dog team, 5,000 civilians, a turtle that waved a flag with its front legs and an atomic cannon capable of firing a nuclear device.
Eisenhower’s parade also included a procession of floats that related the new president’s life story. Perhaps Trump will follow this lead and offer glimpses of his history in the form of floats. Following the Eisenhower model, it might go like this.
FLOAT #1. A SALUTE FROM QUEENS
Eisenhower’s first float was sponsored by Texas and offered “a salute” to its native son. Queens, New York could honor Trump, but since the current president generated less than 38% of the vote in his hometown district, it might be a middle finger salute..
FLOAT #2: FIRST JOBS
Eisenhower once worked at a creamery so one of his floats featured a large milking cow. Trump got hired by his racist real estate developer father so his float would feature a large cash cow. In turn, Trump hired his own children to work for him so Don Jr., Ivanka, and Eric Trump could take turns milking the cow.
FLOAT #3: MILITARY SERVICE (AKA BONE SPURS AND STDs)
The current Commander-in-Chief avoided military service during the Vietnam War after a physician diagnosed him with bone spurs on his right foot. Or maybe it was his left foot. Trump says he can’t remember. What he does remember is bedding a lot of beautiful women in the 80s and he once agreed with Howard Stern that “social diseases” were his “personal Vietnam.” Trump added: “I feel like a great and very brave soldier.”
OK, maybe scrap this float.
FLOAT #4: WEDDING BELLS
Eisenhower was happily married to Mamie for 52 years and his parade included a float with a giant cake and a man and woman on top. Trump’s float celebrating his marital status will include three cakes with a man and a blond woman on the first… a man and a blond woman on the second…and a man standing alone on the third, looking around.
MARCHING FAKE MELANIAS
The wedding cakes float will be followed by a band of marching Fake Melanias all wearing sunglasses and large-brimmed hats which prevent a husband from sneaking a kiss.
FLOAT #5: OUR ALLIES
In 1953, a float touted the importance of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) and featured flags of the treaty nations. Trump’s float would be the exact same thing except it includes a Vice President JD Vance lookalike who snatches each flag off its pole and rips it to shreds while laughing.
FLOAT #6: THE YOUTH OF AMERICA
Did you know that Eisenhower served as Columbia University’s thirteenth president for 4 ½ years? When he arrived at the Ivy League school in May 1948, he stated his belief that “The principal purpose of education is to prepare the student for effective personal and social life in a free society.”
Eisenhower’s float to youth proudly displayed his connection to Columbia. Meanwhile, Trump’s float to the Youth of America will feature a bunch of twenty-something DOGE bros holding machetes and drinking Red Bulls while escorted by a fleet of Cybertrucks in flames.
FLOAT #7: BANKRUPTED BUSINESSES
The most crowded float depicts Trump’s failed businesses including Trump Steaks, Trump University, Trump Taj Mahal Casino, Trump Plaza Hotel, Trump Shuttle and Trump Magazines. Grinning over the sad group is a Trump Meme Coin with a scoreboard of how much foreign governments have “invested” in the cryptocurrency.
FLOAT #8: FORE!
Mar-a-Lago club pros stand on this float and hit golf balls into the crowd. Drives can travel at over 120 mph and be lethal so, kids, watch out!
BRINGING UP THE REAR
Completing the parade is a battalion of big burly men marching with tears in their eyes. They don’t hold any instruments but simply say, “Sir” over and over for a touching finale.
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