*as imagined by Matt Honeycombe-Foster
LONDON — So, Donald, you’re overseeing a market meltdown?
First of all, don’t panic. We’ve all been there. It happens!
The important thing is to learn the right lessons and see it as a chance to grow.
Slamming massive tariffs on imports isn’t really my bag — I’m a free-market gunslinger, who was only ousted from my job as British prime minister after 49 days and likened to a wilting lettuce because everyone else is an idiot.
But I know you’re feeling the heat right now so I wanted to send some love from across the Atlantic and urge you to stay the course.
Here are five top tips for not just surviving economic turmoil, but thriving in it.
1) Win an election first
You’ve got this one in the bag, baby. Unlike me — swapped in as U.K. Conservative leader midway through an election cycle — you have a thumping, recent mandate from the voters. You’ve got a totally loyal party behind you, rather than what some in the U.K. could plausibly refer to as “a bunch of conniving Conservative bastards” panicked about an imminent general election.
And, dude, you’ve got swagger! Brazen it out, play some golf and remember you’ve got nearly four years to let this thing roll.
2) Keep your team around you when it gets tough
Look, just don’t do what I did here.
After unveiling a debt-funded, tax-cutting mini-budget combined with huge government energy subsidies which hadn’t been scrutinized by the U.K.’s official public spending watchdog, the tofu-eating wokerati in the markets got the jitters (more on why it wasn’t my fault later). Like a fool, I threw my top finance minister overboard.
Oh, Kwasi Kwarteng — how I loved your challenge to the market orthodoxy. So much so that I sacked you brutally after hauling you back from a trip to Washington D.C. No hard feelings!
Finally free of the dude who had done exactly what I asked him to do, I listened to the dullards in my party and hauled in a total deep state loser called Jeremy Hunt. The guy then went on TV and reversed essentially all of my agenda. Did it save me? Yeah, for about three days.
3) Don’t hold a party conference right in the middle of the chaos
If you sense there’s a plot against you (and believe me, there is ALWAYS a plot against you) it’s probably not a good idea to give your critics a chance to gather in one place, get drunk, and … plot against you.
With markets still reeling, I went ahead with Conservative Party conference — normally a total blast, honest. And how did my ungrateful MPs thank me? They publicly pressured me to make more changes, sniped about me to the newspapers and attacked my comms strategy as “shit.”
Basically: If you’re gonna stick to your guns here, keep everyone who could meaningfully challenge you locked in a room somewhere. Or maybe a bunker. With no air supply.
4) Don’t say ‘I’m a fighter, not a quitter’
Look, I thought this was a cool thing to say. When you read it, it sounds kinda badass. Richard Nixon said it!
But, in hindsight, given that I did sort of, kind of quit a few days later, it may have been somewhat misleading to describe myself as a “fighter not a quitter.”
Maybe just hedge your bets a bit if anyone asks. Say: “I am a person.”
5) If it all goes wrong, blame the deep state
Look, this whole thing may not work out.
Even when you’re completely and totally right about everything, placard-wielding Marxists could rise up on the streets and somehow force you from office. Elon Musk could lose so much Tesla cash that he politely invites you on a one-way trip to Mars. Your main political opponents could even become competent. What I’m saying is: you never know.
So have a backup plan in case all this chaos does do you in. After big beasts in my own party forced me to fall on my sword, I truly embraced life’s opportunities, far beyond the trappings of power.
In my new, chilled-out era, I’ve promised swift vengeance on the Bank of England (for failing to anticipate the market consequences of my plan), the Office for Budget Responsibility (for leaking its grim assessments of my plan), the Treasury (for not trying hard enough to make my plan work), and, for good measure, the ills of socialism, globalism, and the entire liberal establishment.
It’s very therapeutic, and it’s even landed me a prime slot at CPAC, where I told everyone that what we need is a British Donald Trump.
Anyway, write me back some time, I think maybe my last letter got lost?
Your pal,
Liz
The post 5 pro tips for Donald Trump from Liz Truss* amid market bloodbath appeared first on Politico.
