The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on what you owe the parents of the child yours is involved with.
My 15-year-old son recently started dating a girl his age. Her family immigrated to the United States when she was young. Because of an accidental slip of my son’s, I learned that her parents don’t allow her to date. She has been spending a lot of time at our house, and I suspect that her parents think she’s visiting a female friend. I’ve warned my son that this secrecy could end badly if her parents find out that she’s deceiving them. I urged him to encourage his girlfriend to tell her parents, but he’s convinced that would end their relationship.
My husband and I feel uneasy about being complicit in this deception. The girl’s parents speak little English, so communicating with them would be tricky. I would either have to catch her parents when they pick her up or ask her for their number, both of which feel invasive. I’m worried I could get my son’s girlfriend in big trouble or even put her in danger. Can I just supervise them at my house and absolve myself of enforcing her parents’ rules? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Immigrant families often navigate a clash of customs when their teenagers adopt the dating norms of their new country. While even native-born Americans hold widely varying attitudes toward teenage relationships, few would forbid supervised interactions between 15-year-olds. Most parents, regardless of background, simply want to know whom their teenagers are spending time with and trust that other households will honor their boundaries. But teenagers aren’t exactly known for their restraint, which is why communication between families becomes so crucial.
Your situation is particularly thorny. Not only do language barriers complicate your talking with her parents, but the deception has already begun — this girl has been regularly visiting your home under false pretenses. Approaching her parents now means exposing her lies, which could trigger a range of harsh reactions. You’re right to hesitate.
Put yourself in their shoes for a moment, though: How would you feel if your son were the one sneaking off? Her parents are entitled to set boundaries for their minor child. Given your restricted options, you might start by talking with your son’s girlfriend. She understands her parents’ temperament and values, and she can gauge what might be acceptable to them. You’re not responsible for enforcing her parents’ rules, and you’ll want to avoid pushing her toward any action that might compromise her safety. But you can help both teenagers appreciate the value of honesty.
The clearest path forward involves patience. See if you can work with both teenagers to find middle ground — perhaps supervised group activities — that respects her parents’ values while giving the young couple space to connect and laying the groundwork for eventual acceptance. An incremental approach gives the parents time to adjust to the reality of their daughter’s life in a new cultural context. Consider too whether a trusted intermediary who understands both cultures could help facilitate these delicate conversations. It won’t be easy, but it’s the approach least likely to explode in everyone’s faces.
And if your son’s girlfriend insists on keeping her parents in the dark? I’m afraid you should tell the couple that they can’t meet at your home anymore. Yes, your son will most likely be furious and bitterly regret that he inadvertently revealed the situation with her parents. And yes, teenagers in love often find ways around obstacles. But now that you’re aware, you can’t ethically enable this deception under your roof.
If you decide, in the end, that banning the couple from your home would cause too much damage to their happiness or strain your relationship with your son, at least do your best to keep their behavior within bounds. Should things get physical between your son and his girlfriend, the legal aspect of the situation could complicate matters further, given that both teenagers are below the age of consent in every state. In jurisdictions, including New York, that don’t have formal “Romeo and Juliet” exemptions for close-in-age relationships, distressed parents could potentially involve the authorities. Make sure your son grasps this reality. And another reality: Pregnancy would be the worst possible way for her parents to discover the relationship.
Readers Respond
Last week’s question was from a reader seeking to balance large returns on an investment with the politically noxious statements of its C.E.O.: “About a year and a half ago, I bought shares in an artificial-intelligence company. The stock has since risen sixfold, making me significant profits. But the company’s C.E.O. recently made political comments that I strongly disagree with. Despite these comments, the company’s stock continues to climb, and as the leader in its space, the company’s value will likely only increase. Is it unethical to continue holding this stock? . . . More broadly, what’s my ethical responsibility when investing, considering that nearly every public company has engaged in questionable behavior?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “You might think about what the C.E.O.’s stance actually influences. Is it just static on social media, or does it shape corporate decisions in a consequential way? Even if it does, there’s a big difference between a shareholder’s solitary sell-off and an organized divestment campaign. Unless you invest on a Warren Buffett-like scale, your entrance and exit will ripple the market about as much as a pebble plonked in the Pacific. By contrast, when you join a campaign, you’re asking not simply ‘Am I OK with this?’ but ‘Can we bring about something better?’ . . . But no, owning shares in MegaCorp doesn’t make you the evil sidekick to the villain in charge. Indeed, as you note, the policy you’re considering isn’t obviously one you could universalize. If you own stock in lots of companies — say, through a mutual fund or retirement plan — you’re connected to a whole circus of C.E.O.s, and no doubt some will have voiced opinions you would find objectionable. . . . If your investment is paying off handsomely, perhaps the best approach isn’t divestment but redirection: Channel some of those profits toward causes you believe in. Civic engagement and advocacy for values you hold dear are more likely to create meaningful change than trying to curate a politically pristine investment portfolio.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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While the Ethicist makes valid points about organized impact in his most recent column, I disagree with this stance. In our extremely capitalistic society it is important to vote with our dollars. Imagine if everyone did? Perhaps C.E.O.s would feel less empowered to spout their ideological beliefs and influence politics if it were bad for business. So, from consuming goods to owning company stock, I say vote with your dollars! — Jennifer
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My financial adviser did a seminar for our local PFLAG group on socially responsible investing. At the end, she admitted her personal plan was to invest in what makes the most money and donate the gains to progressive causes. — Carol
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Corporations do not exist to “to create or distribute products and services.” They exist to make profits. If they do not, the board or whatever controlling entity will can the C.E.O. and whoever has failed in that mission. Boycotts potentially reduce profitability and can be effective ways to address the distasteful politics of a company’s leadership. Also, desperate times call for desperate measures. Our current political situation is not normal, and our country faces truly existential questions. — Robert
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The Ethicist missed the point about the role of the shareholder. As a partial owner of a company, a shareholder has every right to engage with management regarding the C Suite’s actions. Contact the investor-relations team and make your voice heard. Vote in corporate elections. Consider raising a shareholder resolution (a big lift). — Elisabeth
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Years ago, our church voted into our bylaws that none of the church’s investments could go into companies that have anything to do with defense or tools of aggression. Likewise, when my mother died a few years ago, I insisted that the six-figure portfolio I was left be stripped of all investments in tobacco companies and their products. Both of my parents died from smoking-related illnesses, and it seemed the right thing to do. — Pam
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