Let any one of you who has never accidentally leaked state secrets to journalists be the first one to throw a stone at Pete Hegseth. Or send him a connection request on Signal.
U.S. Defense Secretary and former host of everyone’s second favorite “Fox and Friends” talk show, “Fox and Friends Weekend,” Hegseth, has been casually sharing top-secret information on Signal with other members of the Trump administration (and a journalist). We know the information was top secret because Hegseth was worried that it would end up in the wrong hands, saying that a fundamental risk was that “this leaks, and we look indecisive.” Rest assured: Everyone is looking decisively competent here.
But the top story is not the potential violations of the Espionage Act (we’re going with a conservative “many” there), nor the fact that no one in the chat — not even VP JD Vance and national-security-adviser-surprised-to-still-have-a-job Michael Waltz — addressed the presence of a mysterious “JG” account (belonging to The Atlantic’s Editor-in-chief Jeffrey Goldberg) lurking in the chat’s background, saying nothing.
The real bombshell is how much Vance and Hegseth despise Europe. This is no way for Commission President Ursula von der Leyen to find out that the two men share a “loathing of European free-loading. It’s PATHETIC.”
Comments such as these require a strong response; our leaders have been planning how to hit back at the U.S. and we have proof (not really).
Declassified was unintentionally added to another group chat — this time on Teams. And we’re very confident the conversation we witnessed and reported below is real and not a figment of our imagination.
QueenVDL: Have you read the Atlantic story? OMG they call us PATHETIC! I don’t understand, things were going so well for our EU-U.S. relations, I even thought of canceling our couple’s therapy sessions. Maybe I should rethink that *sad emoji*
PrincessKaja: Definitely rethink that, queen.
NouveauNapoléon: Guys, have we considered becoming strategically and emotionally autonomous?
QueenVDL: Not now, Manu, we have more important things to do: We need an official statement.
Toni: We can say we are concerned about sharing intelligence with Washington …
PrincessKaja: Or push back on the “free-loading” comment …
QueenVDL: Hold on, I have it!
[dramatic pause]
QueenVDL: “No one puts Europe in a corner.”
[Everyone left the chat]
CAPTION COMPETITION
“You better pray that I don’t quit Nato, Ursula.”
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