If Not Atlantic Editor Jeff Goldberg, Who Did Pete Hegseth’s Group Chat Think “JG” Was?

There must be some word for this feeling, one that conveys “finding out that the country’s top national security guys communicate their bombing plans via group text instead of secure government channels and also added the editor of a prominent magazine that has been critical of them to that group text without noticing and realizing that you’re actually not all that surprised that it happened, only that it took this long.” Maybe there’s something in German.

This surreal situation is where The Atlantic’s editor, Jeffrey Goldberg, found himself earlier this month, as he revealed in an article published Monday. According to Goldberg, he received a connection request on the app Signal, an encrypted—but, importantly, not a sanctioned communication channel for the exchange of government information—messaging app, coming from a user whose name displayed as Michael Waltz, pointing to the user being Donald Trump’s national security adviser. Weird, he thought, but even weirder was a few days later, when the same user added him to a group chat named “Houthi PC small group,” which also appeared to include JD Vance, Pete Hegseth, Marco Rubio, Susie Wiles, Tulsi Gabbard, John Ratcliffe, and Stephen Miller, among other high-security clearance goons, who proceeded to discuss, in detail, a planned strike on several Houthi targets in Yemen.

Goldberg, he wrote, bore only a display name of “JG,” and apparently went unnoticed throughout the detailed conversations among the 18 users in the group, all the way through the prayer-hands emojis and general celebrations after the strike was complete, then removed himself from the group chat, taking his screenshots and bewilderment along with him.

Now that the group chat oopsie has made headlines and its alleged members are busy being grilled by the Senate Intelligence Committee, we’re here to ask the important question: Who the hell did Waltz think “JG” was when he added him to the group? Trump on Tuesday blamed “one of Michael’s people on the phone” for Goldberg’s inclusion, but even if that’s true, that doesn’t explain who they thought this silent participant was. If the working group was really as “small” as the title claims, wouldn’t it be weird if a key person just ghosted on them?

There is, of course, the possibility that the intended invitee was American trade representative Jamieson Greer, considering that the strikes involved trade routes, or that Waltz (or his “people”) mistook “JG” for “JD” and smashed the “add” button and later was like, “wait, huh, I thought I’d added Vance to this thing, Shooty McShooterson, I’ll get right on that. Mikey, if your nose wasn’t attached to your face, you’d lose it, champ.” Then, boop, here comes real Vance, mistake-Vance (Goldberg) remains. Waltz is only 51, but who knows, phone text can feel super tiny, we’re not here to judge.

There’s the possibility that they were looking for someone who could serve in a sort of consulting role to help get things done. Jeff Goldblum handled the dinosaurs just fine, he did something impressive with a computer in Independence Day, and have you seen him in Wicked? The Wizard is an inspiration, even before he shows off his tap-dancing. John Goodman played a Republican president once on The West Wing, he looked great in those cowboy boots, and, hey, having seen Alias, maybe Jennifer Garner could be helpful here. John Grisham, for a shocking plot twist? (Maybe he’s the one behind JG being Goldberg all along.)

In an apparent ensemble sorely lacking in both women and tension-breaking bestie types, maybe Waltz put on his casting director hat. “I know who this needs!” he may have exclaimed, holding one finger in the air as inspiration struck. “Get me Judy Greer!” If James Gunn can get along with both the Marvel and DC Comics factions, surely he has some bananas diplomatic acumen, or perhaps they were looking for a cinematic soundtrack for their war games, performed as only Josh Groban can. Bust out the Ouji board, the late Jerry Garcia could really bring something to this. It’s worth a try, you know? Never say never. Or perhaps they were trying to get, you know, whatshisface, you know the guy, Joe, that guy, the guy! You know the one? Ahh, yes, here he is in my phone, Joe Government. You can scroll right past Megan Softball and Claire Malcolm’s Mom, they won’t be helpful here. Gotta be Joe. It’s too late to ask for his last name now, that would just be awkward. Just put him in there.

Could be that they were looking for a favor. Think Joanna Gaines would throw in some shiplap for the Sit Room, maybe, if we made her feel special? John Green has that tuberculosis book out, and damn, wasn’t The Fault In Our Stars good? Ugh, I cried. Wept! Part of that was in, what, Amsterdam? Let’s get him in here, maybe he’ll name a character Michael. Come to think of it, I’m a little hungry. How do you think Jean-Georges is about last-minute reservations? Think he’s cool about it? Let’s check. And have you seen how much Othello tickets are going for? Maybe there’s a use for Jake Gyllenhaal here. He was in Jarheads, he knows what’s up. Justin Guarini? What’s that guy up to? Think he’s busy?

You know what? Clearly, there’s only one man for this job. Get me Jason Gbourne, and get him now. Houthi PC small group, assemble!