For nearly half a year, I chose to share my bed with a male other than my husband — it was my youngest son.
I kicked my husband out and into the spare room so I could co-sleep safely and comfortably with our second child, officially making us sleep divorced — something I never thought I’d do. It saved our sleep and sanity for a while, but when it ran its course, we had to be proactive about how we got back together, where we were meant to be.
With my first child, I was adamant that my husband had to suffer with me
Before having kids, I never understood the appeal or need for co-sleeping. Then, of course, I had kids. It was a long first year with my oldest, now 6, who didn’t sleep through the night until he was just over a year old. I would fantasize about saying goodnight to him and not hearing another peep out of him until 7 a.m., but as it went, we would usually see each other at least 5 times a night, if not more. So I’d give in and let him sleep next to me.
During that time, I was adamant that my husband remain in our bed, to try to help share the load of soothing our nocturnally disgruntled son. It was mainly unsuccessful, but I wanted him there to provide solidarity and moral support.
The second time around, I had a change of heart
Those sleepless nights felt like a distant memory by the time our second son came along, when our oldest was nearly 4. I’d heard about the fabled easier second baby, and in some ways, this was true. Our youngest slept for longer stretches at night than his night owl brother in the newborn phase.
Then it all changed at the textbook 4-month sleep regression stage, dominated by my son’s unquenchable appetite. He seemed to spend all night on my breast, dozing contentedly with a nipple in his mouth. It made me feel like I didn’t really go to bed, that I was just clocking off from one shift to another, and simply changing out of day clothes and into pajamas.
But this time, with a demanding older kid to also take care of, I made the call to kick my husband out of our bed, and into the spare room. It didn’t make sense for both of us to be exhausted when it was only me the baby wanted. At bedtime, we’d go our separate ways, me settling in for the night shift, and my husband looking forward to his restful, uninterrupted night — which I didn’t begrudge him for, as he did (and still does) a lot of the heavy lifting during the day.
While admittedly it was a little lonely, it made things slightly easier for me. Despite still having to soothe the baby multiple times a night, being just the two of us made it easier and safer to co-sleep. My quality of sleep was better as I wasn’t uncomfortable sandwiched between the two people. And I wasn’t disturbed every time my husband went to the bathroom or got up in the morning, nor was I anxious that his movements would wake the baby.
The arrangement worked for us — until it didn’t
We even kept this arrangement during a 6-week working vacation in Greece that summer. Our youngest was then 8 months and shared the main bedroom of our rental apartment with me, while my husband and our 4-year-old each took a single bed in the second room. While our setup helped me get as much rest as possible to enjoy that trip, that’s when I really missed my husband the most. Despite being in a romantic vacation destination, there was very little romance going on.
When we did get a chance to talk, we established that we were both ready to get back together. We recognized that we gave everything to our kids during the day, and that sleeping in the same bed, on our own, felt like the last space that was just for us. We were tired of feeling like co-parents and roommates, rather than two people in a loving relationship.
So on our return, we put “operation eviction” into place. It took some time and planning, but we eventually were able to adjust our sleeping arrangement. Around 14 months, our youngest started sleeping through the night and out of my bed, and my husband and I were able to find a place for our relationship again.
We prioritize our personal space, but know we can adjust when our kids need us to
The only time since our sleep divorce that my husband and I have slept apart was when our oldest had to spend a week in hospital, in April 2024, to be treated for a kidney infection.
That experience showed how resilient and adaptable we are, and committed to our kids. So we don’t feel bad about being protective of our personal space the rest of the time, because when it counts, we are ready to step up. There was a period in our lives where sleep was a priority at the cost of our relationship, but after that chapter, it’s time to prioritize ourselves again. Our sleep divorce days are behind us, and unless there’s another medical emergency with one of our kids, I can’t see them being in the cards again.
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