I have been living with a secret for close to 55 years. My first cousin, whom I am very close with, was adopted from a Catholic orphanage in Italy and brought back to the United States when we were both young. Our mothers are sisters. My cousin has always known she was adopted, but she does not know the circumstances of the adoption. Many years ago, my mother told me in confidence that my cousin’s biological parents were brother and sister. The only people who knew this, besides myself, were my aunt and uncle who adopted her, and my parents, who were her godparents.
Over the years, after her adoptive parents died, my cousin has tried to find her biological parents. But the records from the orphanage are sealed. My cousin has a husband, children and grandchildren. I am the only one still alive who knows the truth. Many times I have wanted to tell my cousin, but I cannot bring myself to do so. First, I don’t know if she would even believe me; and second, I think it would hurt her too much to know that she is a product of incest. Do I have an obligation to reveal this to her, or should I take it to my grave? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
You are, it appears, the sole custodian of an intimate truth concealed from the very person it concerns. The asymmetry of knowledge is bound to shadow your interactions with your cousin. When you see her, you must feel the weight of what you know even as you keep it hidden, like a stone in your pocket. And the burden isn’t simply the fact that you know this secret — it’s also the effort to sustain the fiction that you don’t.
The medical facts are these: Children born of sibling unions face substantially higher risks of genetic disorders — exponentially higher for autosomal recessive disorders, which require two of the same faulty gene. It would seem that she has been spared such difficulties, but knowledge of her parentage could, in theory, alert her doctor to watch for late-onset conditions. (The risks are lower for her progeny, and these days all states have a newborn-screening program for a wide range of treatable genetic disorders.)
That’s only one dimension of this situation. Learning that one’s birthparents were siblings would challenge anyone’s sense of self. Your cousin has an advantage in having been adopted; this revelation need not disrupt her existing family bonds. Still, though she bears no responsibility whatsoever for circumstances that preceded her existence, our emotional responses to a situation don’t necessarily track with our intellectual understanding of it. Throughout history, people have internalized shame for their origins — consider the stigma once associated with being “born out of wedlock.”
And then, as you’re no doubt well aware, your cousin might feel betrayed that her parents kept this from her, or that your mother told you but not her. She might be hurt that you’ve maintained this secret, too. You could tell her that you had long honored your mother’s confidence with the understanding that other people, such as her parents, could or should have told her. Even if she accepted your reasons, though, she might still feel wounded.
You know your cousin; I do not. But the question is not simply whether she would want this information but whether she has the right to it. We are, as I’ve argued before, entitled to a life informed by the fundamental facts about our existence. Even the painful ones? Perhaps especially those. This truth belongs to her.
Readers Respond
Last week’s question was from a reader who wondered about the ethics of attending a discriminatory university for affordability reasons. They wrote: “I am a straight, married veteran researching potential doctoral programs. Expense is a huge factor, and it seems the most affordable school is religious and openly homophobic. … I’m an atheist and do not have a problem attending the school because it’s religious, but I feel conflicted knowing that gay spouses are excluded from benefits offered by the college. I’m torn by my decision to pursue a degree at a college that doesn’t align with my moral ideals but aligns with my desire to take on as little debt as possible.”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “You’re justly troubled by a religious university’s policy of denying spousal benefits when it comes to same-sex veteran marriages, even as it offers you an affordable path to a doctorate. … You could argue that such positions are wrong, or incoherent, or unstable. But they’re not necessarily rooted in the active hatred or contempt that we condemn as homophobia. … The quandary you face is more complicated, in any case, than the clash between self-interest and principle. It relates to how we position ourselves within flawed institutions — which, I’m afraid, means all institutions. One question is whether joining this discounted doctoral program could allow you to meaningfully engage with people on campus about these issues. … These may seem like small, forgettable exchanges. But Jesus had a point when he noted that a tiny mustard seed can grow into a plant big enough to shelter birds in its branches.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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While I agree with the Ethicist that every institution (including universities) has flaws, be aware that they are not without consequences. You will have to live with the fact that most of the people around you will be hostile to your core beliefs. That’s OK, but it can be exhausting and if you ever have challenges in graduate school, you may find yourself alone. — Joseph
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In addition to cost, the letter writer needs to consider if they want to have the “brand” of that college associated with them for the rest of their professional life. Could it hurt them in their future profession? While the letter writer may be saving money in the short term for their degree, in the long term there may be a far greater cost. — Laurie
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I agree with the Ethicist’s ultimate advice here, but I take issue with the assertion that policies of the university, or similar institutions, are not “rooted in the active hatred or contempt that we condemn as homophobia.” Sure, there is an explanation not technically grounded in hate for opposing homosexual activity, but it is impossible to ignore the reality that these beliefs are used to target vulnerable minority populations. — Sam
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As a queer professional who regularly works among staunchly religious individuals, I do have a tendency to look askance at people who attended academic institutions which are openly hostile toward the LGBTQ+ community. I typically enter into those relationships with the assumption that the people who carry those degrees are unsafe until they demonstrate otherwise. The letter writer should mentally prepare for the possibility of having to explain the decision to any queer friends, both now and in the future. — Alex
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I appreciated the Ethicist’s parable of the mustard seed illustration and agree with his advice. I am an ordained elder in the United Methodist Church, and when I first began my ministry, the United Methodist Church had restrictions regarding homosexuality. At that time I was considering switching denominations, but I hung in there and today the Methodist Church is accepting of all people. And I’m happy that I was part of that change. — Bob
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