On the days when he’s not in front of a classroom of students, University of Kansas professor Jeffrey Hall is heads down in his office writing, reviewing studies and papers, answering emails, combing through data. Before he knows it, he hasn’t spoken to a single person in hours. When he finally emerges, he has two options: to grind away and continue ignoring fellow faculty and students, or, to pop into a colleague’s office to see how they’re doing, to offer a quick hello to passersby.
Hall has co-authored numerous studies, and now a new book, that urges all of us to pick the latter option, and to reap the benefits of a life lived socially. One study, for example, found that people who had more social interactions over the course of four weeks had greater well-being. Another showed that having just one quality conversation with a friend each day can improve mental health.
These habits help form what Hall and his co-author Andy Merolla, a professor at the University of California Santa Barbara, call the social biome, a way of thinking about the entire range of your social interactions. A healthy social biome is one with variety — among the types of people we talk to and the kinds of conversations we have — as well as alone time.
Hall and Merolla distilled their research as well as the studies of other social scientists into their book The Social Biome: How Everyday Communication Connects and Shapes Us. Not only do Hall and Merolla outline the reasons why we’re sometimes reluctant to connect with others (being social requires energy and people are messy), but they also offer simple correctives. Here are seven simple strategies Hall and Merolla recommend that can help pull you out of isolation, have better interactions, and improve your social biome. No social overhaul necessary.
Talk to strangers
Interacting with close friends and family isn’t the only way to boost happiness — chatting with strangers does, too. Not only is the experience more pleasant than we suspect it might be, but the person on the other side enjoys the conversation, too. “To offer dignity to another person in your community, to especially someone who’s different from you,” Hall says, “and by stretching yourself outside just the people you know well, you’re actually building a healthier environment for all of us.”
You don’t need to wander around looking for strangers to talk to, Hall says, but instead can embrace opportunities to engage in small talk with people you already see in the course of your day: a bus driver, the mail carrier, a cashier at the store.
Focus on quality interaction every day
When it comes to the types of conversations that seem to make a difference in people’s well-being, Hall has found that quality conversations are crucial. There are four different kinds of conversations that count as quality, Hall found: meaningful talk (like a heart-to-heart), catching up, expressing affection, and joking around.
You can have a quality interaction with anyone from a coworker or a roommate to a romantic partner or best friend. And all you need is one a day. Don’t worry about being particularly witty or funny or any of the hallmarks of a “skilled” conversationalist. Instead, focus on being a good listener and discussing topics that matter to the other person. “Quality conversation can just be slowing down your day,” Hall says, “and taking the time to catch up and be close to the people who are part of your life.”
But don’t discount small talk
Not all talk has to be big talk. Just as quality conversation connects people, so too does small talk or casual chit chat, like office banter with your coworkers. These conversations are low energy, Hall says, but enhance connection.
“There’s studies that have said people hate chitchat,” he says, “but actually have better days when they engage in it.” Small talk with acquaintances expends very little social energy and can contribute to feelings of belongingness within the community.
Discuss a diverse range of topics with a diverse range of people
One study published in 2022 found that the greater diversity of people with whom participants interacted — including strangers, acquaintances, close friends, and family — the greater their well-being.
It’s also important to engage with people who have different perspectives than you do. You don’t need to wade into potentially thorny territory — nor do you offer space to someone with harmful opinions — but exposure to other’s lives and beliefs can expand your worldview.
Making — and keeping — plans is crucial
Given that some of our social interaction is wholly outside of our control — you can’t opt out of checking in with your boss, for example — freely choosing to hang out with a friend is a gift you can give yourself.
Making the choice to be social is especially difficult at the end of an exhausting day when your impulse may be to veg out on the couch. This is why having plans on the docket — and sticking to them — is so crucial. Keep your social calendar populated with friend dates and try to avoid bailing (even if you want to). Having a routine, like a weekly call with your sister, or a regularly standing get-together, like a book club, eliminates a lot of the energy involved in scheduling a time to hang out.
Understand the limits of technology
In a world where many of our connections are mediated through screens, it’s helpful to understand how some forms of technology can make you feel more socially fulfilled compared to others.
Hall says to think of the ways we interact as a ladder, with the lowest rungs offering the least benefit. All the way on the bottom is passively consuming your friends’ content on social media. The next rung up is group chats, then texting one-on-one. While texting is better than not keeping in touch at all, it shouldn’t be your sole form of communication. The next rung up is video chats and phone calls. All the way at the top is face-to-face communication. “The feeling of being around someone you care about,” Hall says, “is really where the evidence points to in terms of building well-being in the long run.”
Although online communities can be especially validating for people with marginalized backgrounds or disabilities, Hall says you need in-person interaction, too. “The literature is actually pretty clear that living an only online existence probably is not suitable to human flourishing,” he says. “It’s better than nothing, but it’s probably not enough.”
Embrace alone time
A balanced social life also includes time spent alone. Using solo time to relax and think fondly on past social interactions helps recharge your social batteries. “You’re thinking through the relationships you have with people, things you’re happy about,” Hall says. “[That’s] when alone time is at its best, and it’s used to restore and refresh and it opens the possibility of future connection.”
Recent evidence points to the fact that Americans are engaging in more alone time than ever. Solitude and social time are not at odds: You need one to appreciate the other. Quiet downtime helps prepare you for connection and affirming social interaction allows you to enjoy being alone. A fulfilling social life is one with equilibrium.
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