In December, my son attended a religious retreat away from home. When some of the high school boys were in a room alone with girls, the boys got overexcited, turned off the lights and yelled “Tickle fight!” One of the girls was touched on the shoulder, but nothing remotely sexual happened. The adviser to the group has barred the boys involved from the next retreat. But I think it’s important for them to attend and discuss what happened rather than suffer an exclusionary punishment. Excluding the boys will only make things worse for the girl: Everyone knows she is the reason the boys won’t be there. I think it would be better to have the girl explain to the boys (with adult support) why their behavior was wrong. But I can’t convince the adviser. Thoughts?
DAD
I think your love for your son is impeding your judgment. When children are at home, their parents are the arbiters of appropriate discipline. But when they go off with youth groups, for instance, those organizations assume responsibility for the welfare of all attendees. My first job was as a teacher at a Swiss boarding school. And chaperoning mixed groups of teenagers overnight was the worst: I was often the lone adult charged with preventing a dozen wily students from drinking, having sex or sneaking off at night.
So, if the retreat organizer has decided to exclude the boys who made trouble on the last trip to send a strong message about inappropriate behavior (or because of limited resources for supervision), I find that reasonable. And I disagree with much of your position: You fail to acknowledge that the episode may have been frightening for some girls, even if nothing sexual happened. You are incorrect in stating that the girl is “the reason” for the boys’ punishment; the boys’ behavior is. And no girl is responsible for explaining to teenage boys why unwanted touching is wrong. That is your job!
It sounds as if you have already made your pitch to the organization and it was rejected. So, rather than clinging to a minimizing “boys will be boys” argument, I suggest that you sit your son down to discuss the contours of appropriate behavior and the seriousness of unwanted touching.
Before ‘I Do,’ Try ‘I’ll Allow It’
My partner and I plan to be married soon. I am child-free; he has five children from his previous marriage. He is close with all of them and has several grandchildren, ranging in age from 6 months to 21 years old. Both of my previous weddings were adult-only (17 and up), and I feel strongly about doing that again for our wedding and reception. But this would exclude some of my partner’s grandchildren, and he feels this would be insulting to his children. Advice?
BRIDE-TO-BE
By the time adults are entering their second or third marriage, I would expect to see a greater premium placed on compromise, the linchpin of enduring relationships. Like it or not, you are marrying into a large family. And I share your partner’s view that excluding some of his grandchildren from the big day may be offensive to his children — and a bad note on which to start your married life.
If you are adamant about the age restriction, send your partner to his children now to determine how many of them want to bring children under 17 to the wedding. Then book a venue (or change to one) with adjacent space to accommodate the younger children and a babysitter (or two) to mind them.
My Waist Is Nobody’s Business
I am a thin, middle-aged woman who hears the same thing from friends and strangers alike: “Do you eat?” “You must eat super-healthy to be so skinny!” I used to say that I had a fast metabolism, but I am tired of being on the defensive. (Clearly, I cannot reply: “And you must eat too much!”) Why do people think it’s OK to comment on my weight?
J.
You are absolutely right! It is not OK to comment on other people’s bodies. I don’t know anyone who isn’t self-conscious about some part of his or her appearance. Why go there? Still, as justifiably annoyed as you are, you and I grew up in a culture that told us you can never be too rich or too thin. So, there is probably a complimentary or even envious component in what people are saying to you. I would skip the stinging retort and respond honestly: “I don’t think we should comment on other people’s weight.”
One Great Subject for Talk Therapy? Talk Therapy.
I have been seeing a therapist for anxiety since 2020. I chose her after a long and frustrating search. She seemed like a good match at the time. I find our gentle chats reassuring, and I like having her as a safety net, but I feel unchallenged. Maybe I need a male therapist. My gut is telling me to move on. Advice?
PATIENT
Why discuss your therapeutic relationship with me, a stranger, before you’ve talked to your therapist herself? In my experience, that relationship is a rich subject to explore in therapy. And relying on your “gut” or vague ideas about gender — without discussing these issues with your therapist — suggests that it is you who is not challenging himself. Now, get to work (and good luck)!
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