My son is 2½ years old. He loves to wear dresses and twirly skirts like his big sister. If my daughter walks out the door in a dress, he instantly wants to do the same. This is fine by me. The problem: My sister is getting married, and she and her fiancé are more conservative on this issue. (We’ve discussed it.) When the wedding day arrives, I suspect my son will throw a tantrum when he sees his sister in a new dress but is not allowed to wear one himself. Still, I know it would bother the bridal couple if we let him wear a dress, too. Should I honor my son and my own values or put him in pants?
MOM
Let’s be careful here: You do not seem to be saying that your son is experiencing any anxiety about his gender. He simply idolizes his older sister and likes to emulate her style. This is not unusual among toddlers. In fact, children begin to identify gender differences (and their own genders) only around your son’s age. So, I don’t see it as honoring him — or any other important value — to let him wear a dress to your sister’s wedding. You would only be indulging a toddler.
And there’s nothing wrong with that — usually. If I were the host of the wedding, I would welcome your son in his twirliest skirt. (I couldn’t care less!) But the bridal couple feels differently. And that’s the thing about the big days of other people: We are not the main characters. So, if your son can’t attend the wedding without pulling focus or being disruptive, he shouldn’t go.
As the mother of a toddler, you are probably no stranger to tantrums. So, use your judgment: Dress your son in pants and build in time for him to melt down and recover. (That would be my choice.) Or call your sister to discuss his wardrobe — but leave the decision to her. And just to be clear: This advice would not apply to children who feel true discomfort at the mismatch of their assigned sex and gender identity. That is a different question for another day.
How Sick Is Too Sick for Socializing?
I feel lost in 2025. Before the pandemic, I wouldn’t cancel a coffee date because I had a cold, and I routinely sent my child to school sick — as long as his temperature was below 100.4 and he wasn’t vomiting. Now I don’t know what to do. If he has a cough, should I keep him at home? Do I cancel dates because I have a runny nose? I have a runny nose all winter!
MOM
Since you know — down to the decimal point — the body temperature at which you may responsibly send your son to school, I suspect you know more than you think you do. Generally, keep your son at home if he is vomiting or has a fever, body aches or chills — but not for mild cold symptoms. If in doubt, call your doctor.
And the same goes for you, though with adults, it’s even easier: If you are concerned about a symptom — or believe your companions may be — ask them. Our desire to socialize does not trump the right of those we are meeting to feel safe. (As for your runny nose, it sounds to me — a person without a scintilla of medical education — as if the winter air is drying out your nasal passages, causing your body to create mucus. Ask your pharmacist about a nasal spray or salve.)
A Birthday Toast That Was One Glass Short
I live in a multiunit house with seven roommates. One of them was arranging a birthday drink for another and asked when I was free. We had to change the date a few times, and then I didn’t hear about it again — until I saw my roommates coming home with birthday cake. They all went without inviting me! I’m not sure what I did to make them exclude me, or if I’m reading too much into this. Should I say something?
ROOMMATE
I’m really sorry that you were left out! But to me, the facts here suggest human error: You were included in the first rounds of planning, after all — and scheduling eight people is a handful. Try to be positive and give your roommates the benefit of the doubt: Toast the birthday boy or girl and tell the organizer that you are sorry you didn’t receive the final date. Let’s hope this was just a glitch.
Stay Awhile!
I met an old friend at a nice restaurant. When we sat down, he kept his baseball cap on. I told him that when people wear hats and coats indoors, I fear that they might flee at any moment. I asked if he would take it off. He replied that he had donned the cap right after a shower and had bad “hat hair.” And that was that. He left the cap on. Did either of us behave impolitely?
FRIEND
I think you and your friend behaved perfectly. You shared a sensitivity with him, and he explained his behavior to you: He felt self-conscious. Well done! (Now, cue the floodgates from sticklers who are scandalized when men — but not women — wear hats indoors.)
The post My Toddler Son Likes to Wear Dresses. Can He Wear One to My Sister’s Wedding? appeared first on New York Times.
