Do you experience extreme, oftentimes debilitating jealousy about your partner’s past? If so, you’re not alone—and there’s a term for it.
Known as “retroactive jealousy,” this feeling of insecurity is common yet oftentimes all-consuming, and it can damage your relationships if you don’t get it under control.
“Retroactive jealousy usually comes from a need for validation that you’re safe and good enough for the person you’re with,” Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT, Los Angeles–based therapist and author of The Self-Compassion Workbook for OCD, told SELF.
Now, I’ve said before that I struggle with OCD, so retroactive jealousy is a familiar demon for me, as it tends to be common in Relationship OCD. At least, it used to be familiar, before all the therapy and inner work I did.
Can’t Stop Obsessing Over Your Partner’s Ex? You Might Be Experiencing Retroactive Jealousy
But of course, this doesn’t just occur in individuals suffering from OCD (or really any mental health disorder, that is). It’s completely normal and, if anything, can shed some light on which parts of yourself need some healing.
For example, if you constantly feel inferior to your partner’s ex because of their appearance, perhaps you should develop a stronger self-concept. Find ways to feel confident without equating your worth to superficial qualities.
Or, if you feel less accomplished because of your career, maybe this means you need to develop a more profound purpose in life, one that feels unique to you and will increase your sense of self.
Here’s a hack that works well for me…
Any time you catch yourself feeling anxious about your partner’s ex, repeat this statement: she, he, they—whoever they might be—are not you. I don’t care if they’re a model or a doctor or the lead singer of a punk rock band…they are not you. That is your superpower. The right person will love you for you—for your energy, your quirks, your faults, your mess, your love, your passions…just the way you love them fully as they are.
No one person is better than another. Sure, someone might be better suited for someone than you are, but that simply means another person will be better suited for you, too.
Reminding myself of these truths always grounds me in my own identity and allows me to enjoy my relationships as I have them. Nothing in life is ever guaranteed. That fact is both haunting and freeing.
“The important thing to think about is the present moment,” Psychologist Chivonna Childs, PhD told the Cleveland Clinic. “You are with this person now. You are who they are choosing to be with … The better thing to do would be to focus on the things that you can control and be in the present moment and focus on your relationship.”
And, of course, if you do experience retroactive jealousy from time to time, don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re only human.
The post Obsessing Over Your Partner’s Ex? Welcome to Retroactive Jealousy. appeared first on VICE.
