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Socially Awkward, or Obstinate?
I work for a large state organization in the role of interviewing employees about their commitment to the mission. I have been in this role for five years, though I have conducted sensitive interviews for years and love the work. The problem is the videographer I am forced to work with, who pretty much lacks emotional intelligence. This is a “diversity” issue because he is “on the spectrum.”
I get good interviews because I can put people at ease quickly. He does the opposite and I constantly have to do damage control. He tells inappropriate stories. He is brusque and rude to me and to the interview subject. One person I interviewed a few years ago said she still remembered how uncomfortable he made her feel. He was so rude on assignment at a remote site that the department told him to leave and never come back.
Then there is the quality of his work. I have worked with great videographers that are a terrific third person in the room and can handle all kinds of audio/visual challenges. But he makes requests such as “don’t move your head when you talk” or “keep your tone of voice even,” to make his editing work easier or because he doesn’t know how to handle a situation. (I took over editing for a while because of this.) He will even obstruct a project if he suspects it’s beyond his abilities. A videographer at the executive level recently told me they’ve had to pick up departmental projects when he proved himself not competent to complete them.
I have brought these issues to the attention of his manager as well as the departmental manager, but they just say, “he’s trying” or “he’s taking emotional intelligence classes.” He has announced at our team meetings in front of management that attention to interpersonal skills is a waste of time. He never accepts responsibility for any behavior or poor work quality, but he wants “grace” from everyone who might be critical of his work.
This department and the organization deserve better. What might be a good way to get leaders to take this seriously? I would be grateful for any advice.
— Anonymous
Hmm. This videographer sounds like a handful, and that’s putting it mildly. And though I have lots of empathy for people who are socially awkward — whether on the spectrum or not — neurodivergence is never an excuse for repeated rude or bad behavior. In fact, this seems less of an issue of emotional intelligence or personality diversity than just plain obnoxiousness, obstinance and entitlement. (Although: One thing to consider is what exactly makes you think that someone being on the autism spectrum doesn’t represent, as you put in quotes, diversity. Or that diversity issues aren’t a reason for someone to be protected in their job.)
But here’s the thing: This guy is obviously a lost cause, which is to say that this has reached a point where his managers need to intervene and rectify this situation … and NOT just by having him take classes in emotional intelligence. That’s kicking the can down the road.
You say that a person at a remote site told him to leave and never come back. Another employee — and at the executive level, no less! — has been made well aware of his incompetence. And yet … and yet. Nothing?
You also say that you’ve brought this employee’s behavioral issues to the attention of his manager and a departmental manager. They’ve even been privy to his assertions that “interpersonal skills are a waste of time.” (?!) So why aren’t they intervening?
I don’t have a good answer to this question, and neither do you. I have to think that his managers are covering for him for some reason — a reason you and I will probably never understand — and so I’d suggest that, if you haven’t already, begin documenting and making a list of the many instances of his obnoxious behavior AND their effect on other employees. (This last bit is crucial.) Then send this list to your manager and his/her manager as well. And if THAT doesn’t work? Get HR involved. It’s important that you make it clear to everyone you approach that this is not because of a personal dislike of your colleague but concern about his behavior’s effect on the others around him … not to mention the actual quality of his work.
Stress to HR that your (and the videographer’s) job is to document your colleagues’ belief in, and loyalty to, the mission of the organization you both work for, and that his behavior suggests anything but commitment. In fact, it undermines what you’re trying to document in the first place.
As someone who has worked with people whose toxic behaviors have gone unremarked upon or overlooked by higher-ups, I’m incredibly frustrated and irritated on your behalf. Know that you have my sympathy, and, no doubt, that of many readers of this column. I wish you luck.
Pay Parity, at Last?
During my annual evaluation last week, my boss admitted that two senior managers, including myself, have been paid less for years than our peers with similar experience and backgrounds. I’ve been with the company for 12 years, starting as a junior manager and working my way up to a senior role for most of the past nine years.
I feel gutted knowing that, despite my hard work and consistently stellar reviews, I’ve been underpaid for so long.
My former boss, who swapped roles with my current boss and is now our vice, is likely responsible for this, but my new boss still consults with him closely before making decisions. While my current boss has said he plans to increase my salary to help close the gap, he hasn’t committed to bringing it fully in line with others or addressing the years of disparity.
I’m not sure what my options are at this point. I don’t want to come across as too demanding, but it’s hard not to feel like I’ve been too accommodating. If they admit to underpaying me so nonchalantly, they seem to still consider me accommodating and low risk for them. Which truly angers me.
— Anonymous
You haven’t been too accommodating all these years — because you didn’t know you were being unpaid. Let’s just get that out of the way first, because it feels to me as if some part of you is blaming yourself for … what? The fact of the matter is that nothing from the past was your fault or within your control; it seems the blame goes to your former boss for 1) not rewarding the quality of your work and 2) not making your salary commensurate with what other people at your level were, and are, making.
I’m curious to know how your current boss communicated the news to you that you’d been underpaid. Was it a slip of the tongue? A confession? Was it said apologetically? With embarrassment or regret? I have to imagine that if your current boss revealed this information to you in an apologetic way it might signal a willingness on his part to make things right.
About making things right: I’m troubled by the reluctance — or unwillingness — to bring your salary fully in line with that of your similarly situated professional peers. Have you asked your current boss why he won’t make things right in this respect? Have you asked him explicitly about addressing the disparity in a way that involves back pay?
As for your options, well, you have every right to come across as demanding or, at the very least, persistent and assertive about this issue. They’ve been underpaying you for years. Years! I’d be angry as well (I’m already angry on your behalf). And don’t think for a second that I haven’t noticed that both your former and current boss are male, and that, based on the name given in your email, you are female. Women still make less than men — 84 percent of what men are paid, and this is without taking race and ethnicity into account — and they suffer from societal assumptions that they’ll be accommodating, thanks to the ways we’re socialized as girls. (I’m writing a book about this, in fact.)
I’m curious: What did you say in response to your current boss when he told you about being underpaid? Did you take notes? Then or afterward? Have you spoken to the other underpaid senior manager you work with? What did he or she say? (I’m also dying to know whether that person is male or female.) (Some states are moving to enact salary transparency laws. Is yours?) And again: have you asked your boss directly to make things right?
I think you should find an employment lawyer and have an introductory discussion with him or her. And, depending on what your employer or boss say, you just might want to consider looking for another job. Pay disparities can be compounded over the years; what may seem like a minor difference in annual salary adds up to a whole lot more over the decades, as you’ve just experienced firsthand. Is your feeling of being passed over, taken for granted and disrespected going to abate if your salary is brought in line — or close to it — with that of others? You’re still in the process of finding that out. But what you may find is that “accommodation” means accommodating yourself and honoring your sense of self-respect. And that you’ll be better off taking your talents elsewhere.
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