What is the rule about looking at women in public? As a red-blooded male, I would like to stare, but of course that’s rude and possibly antisocial. In the past, when I’ve taken a quick glance and got caught, I was given sharp, disapproving looks from the woman and, often, some bystanders.
I’ve always been a loner, so I didn’t always get clued in on proper etiquette. When I married, I asked male co-workers what to do about looking at women, considering my new status. One said, ‘‘You’ve got to smell the roses along the way.’’ I took that to heart and continued to ogle women. This eventually led to my divorce.
When women wear tight pants, it seems unfair: They are very sexy, but men are not allowed to look. What do women prefer in this situation? I want to do the right thing. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
It’s clear that you’ve sometimes looked at women in a way that made them feel uncomfortable. Glancing at someone in a public place is always permissible; there’s often a fleeting moment of mutual acknowledgment — perhaps a slight nod or smile — before both parties look away. This momentary connection is part of how we experience our shared social world. No doubt if you find the person attractive, your glance may well linger involuntarily for a moment. But prolonging that moment further can cross a line. We can’t control our initial notice of others; we can control our subsequent choices. I suspect your ‘‘quick’’ glance wasn’t so quick.
In public settings, it’s generally intrusive to display sexual interest. That it may sometimes be welcomed doesn’t change the situation. Yes, a brief friendly glance that produces a smile and a direct reciprocating look can mean you’re being invited to maintain eye contact. But if there’s any doubt, the unease caused by leering is bad enough that you should err on the side of averting your gaze. In your case, there normally should be doubt. Being aware of whatever shortcomings we may have in the skills of everyday life can guide us toward better practices. Just as people who know they have a poor sense of direction learn to check maps more often, someone who struggles to read social signals around looking would do well by being reserved and not risk making others uncomfortable. It’s a matter of taking the trouble to do what, for you, doesn’t come naturally, and adopting habits that respect everyone’s dignity.
When it comes to men looking at women, in particular, there’s a broader social context in which women often experience unwanted attention or feel unsafe. The sexual etiquette I’ve described allows men and women to enjoy public spaces as equals. That’s why we wrong strangers when we fail to respect these rules. Such everyday courtesies are part of what it means to share a world.
A Bonus Question
Our son just turned 1, and he has received a generous gift from his grandparents: a $1,000 check to be deposited in his 529 plan for his future education. It is an incredible gift, and we were surprised and grateful for it.
We have also, thanks to a stroke of good luck with a job change and an inheritance, already funded his 529 plan such that there should be sufficient money to see him through four years of school in 17 years. Because he might opt against college, earn a scholarship or not pursue postgraduate education, we don’t want to overfund the plan. Would it be unethical to invest the money in a brokerage account (instead of a 529) on his behalf for his own use for education, a home or a wedding when he is an adult? Should we tell his grandparents if we do? We want to honor the spirit of the gift and plan for his future responsibly. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
If people give you money to do something and it makes more sense to use it for something else, why not just tell them? It wouldn’t be so terrible if your son’s grandparents still insisted that the money go to his 529 plan; any money left over once he’s finished his education can be put into an I.R.A. Either way, you shouldn’t reallocate the money without consulting them. The instructions that accompanied the check were part of the gift.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader with a question about nonbelief. He wrote: “I grew up in the Catholic tradition, but after obtaining several university degrees — including one in religion — it became clear to me that Jesus wasn’t divine and that the cobbling together of the Bible in the fourth century was a consummate work of spin-doctoring. … But boy, oh, boy, do I love the artistic output of Christianity. Bach’s B-minor Mass, the Fauré Requiem, St. Paul’s Cathedral — all these lift my spirit. I love a beautiful Christian service. (Where else do you hear an organ like that?) Actors talk about ‘‘working from the outside in,’’ in which a physical position unlocks inner emotions. For me, kneeling does this. I don’t pray, but the act creates humility and gratitude. It does me good. Then there’s the lovely sense of community in a congregation. I’ll never be converted. So I guess I’m lying when I turn up at a service and recite the Creed and sing the hymns as lustily as anyone else. Am I hurting anyone by doing this? Is it, for want of a better word, a sin?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “A church represents a confluence of practices, beliefs and community, and its congregants will be drawn for all sorts of reasons. No doubt you’re participating in these services in a different frame of mind from many others who are there, but Catholics have long been aware of the aesthetic appeal of their tradition’s art, music, architecture and liturgy — an aspect of the via pulchritudinis, or way of beauty, that Pope Francis has invoked. … If the way of beauty leads you to the Catholic services of your upbringing, you shouldn’t feel as if you don’t belong, however deep your doubts. There’s no saying what a service means to any one of its participants. So your presence and participation can hardly be taken as a declaration of any particular creedal commitments.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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Church is about community. The first rule of ministry is to meet people where they’re at. If you are at a place of nonbelief, a Christian is bound to extend hospitality and welcome. Be respectful of the rites, rules and practices of the denomination you are visiting, and by all means, enjoy the music! — Dianne
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As a retired Episcopal priest, I generally agree. It is important to remember that there are many diverse understandings of God that trained theologians cannot support or believe. We are still believers. — David
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As a former atheist and now practicing Catholic, I would suggest that by attending Mass, the writer is allowing the Holy Spirit to work in his life and may find themself brought to a deeper understanding of his faith. I would caution that if they are not in agreement with the Church’s teaching, please abstain from partaking in Holy Communion. — Alexander
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I’m a pastor, and I’ve never served a church yet where someone hasn’t told me they don’t believe. And that’s just the folks who tell me. Attend where you find beauty. Get to know people who, when life is hard, will be your supports. Even engage in Bible or theological studies if they are the sort that let each person state their own faith or lack of faith. Maybe God is the connection between us. Maybe not. — Liz
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The Ethicist’s response is measured and only misses that in Catholic churches, pure nonbelievers who would take up pew space for crowded services at Easter or Christmas risk dissuading those who are actually having trouble with their faith or attendance. That admission about not believing but loving the pageantry is unlikely to work then, but a good time to share that with the faithful is during concerts, even crowded ones! — Ron
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As the story goes, an atheist ballet dancer from New York went to see Thomas Merton and asked him about the Mass, saying that he didn’t get it. Merton simply said, “Well, the Mass is really kind of a ballet.” I would add that the Mass is theater. Theater, poetry, music and metaphor invite us to the inner world of the numinous Spirit that we can never understand, because it exists in “the cloud of unknowing.” — Sal
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I thought the Ethicist’s reply was right on: “A church represents a confluence of practices, beliefs and community, and its congregants will be drawn for all sorts of reasons.” I thoroughly admired the letter-writer’s honesty and insightfulness. I share his convictions about the story of Jesus, the spin-doctoring and the sense of aloneness and apartness from others in a religious setting. I’m writing as a Jew, with quibbles about the supernatural and many other beliefs in my own tradition. I don’t have the writer’s articulateness, but here’s my version of the writer’s story: A decade ago, my family and I visited Italy. The only place I had to visit was St. Peter’s Basilica, for reasons I could not articulate save that I knew something about it through reading and that I wished to see with my own eyes Bernini’s baldacchino, and we did. We were there for perhaps an hour. I got to see Michelangelo’s Pietà (which I saw 50 years earlier at the Flushing Meadows World’s Fair). A tiny woman in black ran left and right, shushing the tourists. A grand organ began to play, sounding as if from a distance but resonating everywhere; an American children’s choir began to pipe in a higher register. The late-day sun streamed in rays through the dust in the air — rays made longer and more glowing by the immensity and ghostly dimness of the indoor space — and I found myself sobbing. Tears streamed down my cheek. A religious experience, or an aesthetic one? No matter. It was wonderful. I can feel it as I write this. — Bill
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