Have you ever experienced “breadcrumbing” in a relationship? If so, you’re definitely not alone.
Breadcrumbing is essentially a manipulation tactic that involves stringing someone along by offering the tiniest bits of attention—just enough to keep them around for selfish intentions.
Personally, I have way too big of an appetite for love that I could never be fulfilled by mere “crumbs,” but trust me when I say I’ve tried. And much like a restrictive diet, it was unsustainable long-term, leaving me a lethargic shell of who I was before.
Not fun.
However, the difficult part about breadcrumbing is that the relationship usually doesn’t start off this way. In fact, it’s typically quite the opposite: off the bat, you receive a ton of praise, adoration, effort, and communication. Once you feel safe and secure, however, the other person slowly pulls back, leaving you feeling a sense of emotional whiplash.
Doctor Ramani Suryakantham Durvasula, clinical psychologist and retired professor of psychology, explains breadcrumbing as “the gradual adjustment and accommodation to getting less and less in a relationship and still making the relationship work.”
“Whatever attentiveness, attunement, or presence there once was in the relationship has faded, and the dazzle of the lovebomb has long disappeared,” she continued in her video.
Instead of leaving the relationship, you might start to question yourself, downplaying your own needs just to re-establish your connection with that person. This is because breadcrumbing, according to Dr. Ramani, often involves devaluation.
‘Breadcrumbing’ Is a Common Yet Dangerous Manipulation Tactic in Today’s Dating Scene
However, this is usually gradual. For example, the person who once hung on your every word will start to listen to you less and less. The partner who once took you on dates every week barely makes time for you anymore. And typically, when you raise your concerns to that individual, they shut you down or make you feel “crazy.”
From there, you might find yourself trying to prove your worth. This could look like over-sexualizing yourself, prioritizing the other person’s wants over your own needs, and even sacrificing major parts of your life to fit into theirs. Eventually, you might lower your standards to a point where the bare minimum feels like a celebratory event.
Sounds scary, right? And unless you’ve experienced it yourself, you likely won’t understand just how easy it is to get swept up in this cycle.
The Cleveland Clinic reported that breadcrumbing could cause victims to feel the following symptoms: confusion, anger, self-doubt, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, inadequacy, embarrassment, and self-consciousness. The clinic also listed “hope” as a common symptom—but in my experience, it’s not a good kind of hope. Typically, it’s the blind hope that keeps you holding on to a manipulative individual while neglecting yourself, believing that one day, you’ll get back the amazing person they once were—but only if you are the perfect partner!
Trust me when I say this: that plan never works. That version of them from the beginning of your relationship? It was just a facade.
Despite what you might be conditioned to believe, there is nothing heroic or admirable about abandoning your own needs to accommodate someone else, especially if that person doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Breadcrumbing is not love—it’s manipulation to fill a void. You’re worth more than being someone’s supply of validation.
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