Oh. Hell. Yeah. Now, this is the kind of wonderfully bizarre game I’m all about! So, February is obviously a hotbed for major game releases. Monster Hunter Wilds. Civilization VII. Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2. And somehow, there are three more major titles to look forward to. However, in the chaos of a high-profile release month, I won’t let Date Everything, a game where I can date a bed because of magical glasses, go unacknowledged!
The game describes itself as a “sandbox dating simulator.” Thanks to your new “dateviators,” you gain the ability to… date household items. Your vacuum cleaner becomes a hot guy named “Hoover.” His friends, apparently, call him “Hoove” for short. We’re promised 100 people (objects?) you can date. They’re all fully voiced, and each has at least three different endings.
“Date Everything brings an exciting new twist on the dating simulator genre. Your BFA in customer service unfortunately goes to waste as you lose your job to AI. But… a mysterious stranger sends a gift — magical glasses called ‘dateviators’ — which make your house come alive and dateable! Each dateable object will open up, have their own stories and potentially become your lovers, friends, or enemies. With an exhaustive Who’s Who of voice actors keeping you company on your journey!” the game’s Steam blurb states.
in ‘date everything,’ you can make googly eyes at your fridge, and that makes me happy
So, I’ll admit it: I love goofy dating sims. If it’s played straight, I tune out (unless it’s superbly written). Hatoful Boyfriend, a game where you date pigeons? Yep! So, if you’re telling me I can finally give that piano in the corner of my room a steamy kiss? I’m in. I’m eager to experience the game’s promises of branching narratives and three different endings per character. With 100 dating options, it’ll have to be a Herculean effort to give each and every choice satisfying, worthwhile story arcs.
But, I always show up for ambition in games. If you have the heart to try something bold, I’m here to support it! Date Everything, you have my attention. …Although, it does bring up some terrifying questions. So… …if I can date my bed, that’s weird. It knows too much. …Developers, could you do me a favor and include a “take the bed out back” option? Just to chat, I promise!
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