If breaking up with someone were easy, I wouldn’t be writing this article. The question isn’t so much how to break up with someone but how to do it in a way that’s not rife with sadness, awkwardness, and messy miscommunications. No easy feat.
The truth is, breaking up with someone you love—and even with someone you don’t—is hard for a variety of reasons. Maybe you’ll miss their family members, the love and support you got from them during a certain time in your life, or the sex (totally valid). Maybe you’re genuinely worried about hurting someone you care about, or maybe you just don’t want to come off looking like a jerk to your mutual friends. The point is, breakups are never fun no matter how ready you are to move on from a romantic relationship.
“For whatever reason that you’ve made the decision to break up, you also made a decision somewhere along the way that you wanted to date that person,” says Alexandra Stratyner, a licensed psychologist at Stratyner and Associates in New York City. “There are probably lots of feelings of care and maybe even love there, so of course you don’t want to hurt feelings.”
Unfortunately, there’s no such thing as the “perfect breakup.” If you are the one bearing the bad news, however, there are a number of steps you can take before and during that dreaded conversation to make the experience as healthy as possible for both you and your partner.
Here, therapists, psychologists, and other relationship experts share advice for how to kindly and effectively break up with someone.
1. Make sure you actually want to break up.
Before you break up with your partner, make sure that you actually want to end the relationship. “A breakup is something that you want to do once you’ve thought about it over time,” says Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, a psychotherapist in New York City.
If you’re having doubts and concerns about your relationship, it’s important to share that with your partner before a breakup. “I’ve seen people do ‘surprise breakups’ where you think everything is amazing and then the person is like, I’m leaving today,” says Hendrix. The shock of this kind of out-of-nowhere breakup can be “very, very traumatizing and very hard to get over,” she says.
The healthier (and kinder) option? Share doubts and concerns about your incompatibility. In some cases, the relationship can even be saved by this type of honesty, Hendrix says.
Having a well-thought-out breakup also means that breaking up shouldn’t be a rash decision made in the midst of an argument or a card you play in an attempt to control your partner. That is passive-aggressive and perhaps even manipulative, Hendrix says, and certainly not part of a healthy relationship.
“Ideally, a breakup should never be a surprise,” says Julie Krafchick, a relationship expert, cohost of the Dateable podcast, and coauthor of the upcoming How to Be Dateable (out January 28). “There should be a lot of conversations building up to it that you’re trying to work through, whatever it is that’s making you feel like you’re incompatible. By the time the actual breakup comes, ideally you can both turn to each other and say, ‘We did try and work through this.’”
2. Give the conversation some thought.
Once you’ve decided to end a relationship, it’s important to give yourself time and space to think about what you want to say before you actually say it. The conversation itself will likely be stressful, and when you’re stressed, you tend to lose access to the logical, rational parts of your brain, Hendrix explains.
Write down exactly what you want to say and practice it a few times so that when you’re in the heat of the moment, you’re able to effectively communicate your thoughts. Planning in advance can also help you evaluate the tone with which you’re delivering the message. Try to keep it “neutral, non-accusatory, non-blameful, compassionate, direct, and honest,” says Hendrix.
That said, don’t try to craft the perfect script—it doesn’t exist. It’s natural to want to say all the right things so that your soon-to-be ex partner doesn’t feel sad. But that’s inevitable, says Hendrix. “You can’t avoid it,” she says. “At some point it’s good enough, and you just gotta say it.”
3. Practice empathy.
As you plan, put yourself in your partner’s shoes. “Empathy for the partner’s experience of being broken up with, and the ability to express it, can go a long way to assuaging the inevitable pain,” says Franklin A. Porter, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York City.
When you first fall in love, empathizing with your partner is much easier; by the time you’re ready to end it, it might be tempting to not care how breaking up will impact your partner. But a little empathy can save you trouble down the road. “If you’ve been on the receiving end of a breakup in the past, you probably have a good idea how it feels,” says Porter. “Recalling those feelings beforehand would be beneficial in managing your message.”
4. Acknowledge that you won’t be able to control their reaction.
No matter what you say and how empathetically you say it, you can’t control how the other person will react or stop their heartbreak. “There is no guarantee that the conversation will be effective, because one can only control the message sent, not how it’s received,” says Porter.
Still, there are some factors that can influence how well the message is received, he adds, which is exactly why it’s worth thinking ahead about the other person’s feelings and how you want to have the conversation. For example, if you’re so caught up in ending it that you forget today is their birthday, they’re probably going to be extra pissed.
5. Remind yourself that it’s completely okay to break up.
It doesn’t feel good to break up with a partner—especially if it’s someone that you care deeply about—but it’s also not wrong, so you shouldn’t feel guilty about your decision.
“Remind yourself that it’s okay to leave a relationship that isn’t working for you,” says Hendrix. “It’s a self-honoring choice that you’re making because you don’t see a future together. If it’s not a good fit for you, then it’s not a good fit for them, even though they may not be aware of it as much as you are.”
Do your mental health a favor and remind yourself that not every relationship is going to be right. That doesn’t make your partner a bad person or necessarily mean they did anything wrong. You owe it to yourself—and them—to speak up when you know the relationship isn’t serving you so that you can both move on to better things.
6. Deliver the news face-to-face.
If you feel safe seeing your soon-to-be ex in in person, Porter says, “you owe it to your partner to have the breakup conversation face-to-face.” Yes, it’s uncomfortable and harder than breaking up over the phone, but doing so “shows that you care for them and that you care for that relationship.” (In short, don’t be a Berger and leave a “I’m sorry, I can’t” Post-it.)
While their feelings are important, however, your safety ultimately comes first. If you don’t feel safe enough to meet to break up in person for any reason, end it virtually by phone or FaceTime. You can also tell a trusted friend in advance about the time and location of the breakup, so they know to check in after.
7. Pick an appropriate setting.
There’s no one “right” location for this type of conversation, but Hendrix suggests putting yourself in your partner’s shoes to determine where they might prefer to hear the news. Just keep in mind that settings rife with distractions—like a restaurant with loud music, for instance—probably aren’t wise choices. “You want to be able to be present and listen and ask questions and hear what they’re saying,” she says.
Porter suggests avoiding public places altogether, unless you’re concerned about safety. “It’s not fair to the one on the receiving end to have to try to temper a potential emotional outpouring,” he explains. “It’s an intimate conversation that calls for an intimate setting, ideally at the partner’s place, giving them the prerogative to show you the door at any time.”
Again, this only applies if you feel safe. If you feel at all worried about what your partner might do, prioritize your own safety and meet in a public place like a busy park where a friend can wait nearby, or end the relationship over the phone.
8. Show up sober.
It may be tempting to knock back a couple of cocktails before you start the breakup conversation—alcohol is a verbal lubricant, after all—but that’s a bad idea. “When we’re drinking, we’re not totally present,” says Hendrix.
During a breakup conversation, it’s important to be present so that you can be honest, kind, and remember the things you want to say, she explains.
9. Accept that it’s probably going to be painful.
If you and your partner have a deep relationship and have been together for a while, there’s a high likelihood that whatever you’re going to say is going to cause them pain, says Hendrix, even if you both know on some level it’s the right decision to move on. It can help to anticipate this pain while also reminding yourself that it’s not your fault.
“Give your partner the dignity of being on their own path,” says Hendrix. “Your goal is to share the information but not to go into over-responsibility for how they feel.”
Also important: “There’s no explanation that you’re going to give that’s going to feel satisfying to them,” says Hendrix. So don’t go into the conversation with the goal of ending it on a positive note and expect to go from being romantic partners to platonic trivia night partners right away.
10. Use “I” statements.
When communicating your message, deliver it from your point of view without blaming or accusing. “It’s you who has decided that the relationship is not a good fit, and it’s you that has decided to leave the relationship,” says Hendrix. “So the healthiest way is to take responsibility for your feelings using ‘I’ words versus ‘You don’t really like my family’ or ‘You don’t like to go out as much as I do.’”
11. Be direct.
Don’t beat around the bush or otherwise hint at the fact that you want to break up without actually saying it. A less direct approach may seem kinder in the moment—but trust, it’s not. “The best thing to do is to just say the truth, which is, ‘We’re not a good fit for each other,’” says Hendrix.
“It’s really helpful to be specific,” says Stratyner. “We don’t want to attack somebody’s character, but we do want to be specific about our feelings.” That’s where those “I” statements come in. “You can say, ‘When this happened, it made me feel this way’ or ‘I’m feeling like we’re not aligned in terms of our long-term goals or what we want out of this relationship,’” she continues. “But you do want to use empathy there. Think about if you were the one being broken up with—what would you want to hear somebody say?”
12. But don’t delve into the details.
Avoid listing out the Rolodex of reasons why the relationship isn’t a good fit for you. “These are things that are going to be hard for the other person to let go of,” says Hendrix.
If your partner presses you for specific reasons behind the breakup, you can acknowledge that you totally understand why they’d want more details and perhaps give a reason or two, framing it from the “I” point of view, says Hendrix.
In general, you should reiterate the overall sentiment that you just don’t think you’re a good fit. “The only reason to really go into all of those little details is if you want to work on the relationship,” adds Hendrix.
13. Keep the focus on the relationship.
Address the breakup as a problem in the relationship rather than any shortcomings in your partner, says Porter. “Couples break up for myriad reasons, but ultimately, it’s the relationship that runs its course,” he says. “Relationships always take two, so acknowledge your role in it not working out.”
Hendrix puts it this way: “The relationship is this entity that you’ve created, and that’s what’s not working out,” she says. “You’re not a bad person, he or she is not a bad person, but it’s the combination of both of you together that is causing you less happiness and less fulfillment.”
14. Prepare to listen.
Though you will be the one leading the conversation, you should also be prepared to listen—and listen carefully, says Porter. “You may not like what you hear,” he says. “Your partner may react in any number of ways but likely wants to be heard, if not have the last word. Consider what your partner’s needs are at that moment and be prepared to address them and act accordingly.”
15. Plan for a number of reactions.
There’s no surefire way to predict how your partner will respond to the breakup, but you should prepare for a number of reactions.
If they get angry. “Understand that comes with the territory,” says Porter. Both Porter and Hendrix suggest validating their feelings. You can say something like, “I get that you’re angry; you have every right to be angry.” This may help diffuse the tension slightly, says Hendrix. At the same time, stay calm and don’t rise to meet their anger with your anger. It can also help to ask, “Are you okay to keep talking? Do you want to take a break and talk again in a few minutes?” Of course, Hendrix says, if the anger is abusive (or otherwise threatening), you should say, “This is not okay or appropriate” and end the conversation. Remember, it is never okay to stay in relationships because you’re afraid of how the other person will react.
If they get sad. “Convey empathy as you would before the breakup—by a hug or some other gesture of affection—while being prepared and accepting of it being declined,” says Porter.
If they promise to change. Let them know that while you appreciate that offer, the breakup is rooted in the fact that the relationship isn’t a good fit and even if they change, your feelings on the matter won’t be swayed, says Hendrix. Also acknowledge that you wouldn’t want them to change for you, and only for themselves if that’s what they feel they need, adds Porter.
16. Be respectful.
While you can’t control your ex’s reaction to the breakup, you can manage yours. Always treating the other person with respect—even when they say or do something that gets under your skin—can help keep things from becoming nasty as you end the relationship.
Respect can be shown a number of different ways, from having the conversation in person to being clear (but kind) about why you made this decision. “Make sure that you’ve really thought it out,” says Yue Xu, a relationship expert, cohost of the Dateable podcast, and coauthor of the upcoming How to Be Dateable (out January 28). “And then give them a chance to discuss the breakup.”
One thing Xu has done in her own breakups is to “give someone’s secrets back.” “When you are in a relationship, you’re vulnerable and share a lot of things,” she explains. “Reassure the other person that whatever they’ve told you stays with you. That’s the ultimate sign of respect.”
17. Don’t leave things open-ended.
In the moment, you may feel tempted to lessen the blow of a breakup by hinting at the chance of future reconciliation, but don’t say that if it’s not a possibility; otherwise, you’re giving your partner false hope.
“If you say, ‘Maybe after I take the bar exam,’ then they’re going to be waiting for their phone to ring after you take the bar exam,” says Hendrix. “If you know that this person is not a good life partner for you and there’s a 99% chance that you’re never going to rekindle anything, then you just want to tell the truth.”
18. Don’t be their sole support system.
You want to be cautious that the person being broken up with isn’t then going to turn to you for emotional support, says Stratyner. “You can be caring and compassionate, but you don’t necessarily want them to fall into a place where they’re relying on you for support getting over the breakup because you probably do need to take some time apart,” she adds.
If you feel like they’re relying on you as a primary source of support, help to identify other places or people they can turn to instead, such as close friends, family members, or even a licensed therapist, so that you can both have the necessary space you need.
19. Share a few positive sentiments.
Though you should focus the conversation on the breakup, it’s also kind to share reflections on what you like about your partner. “You want to be real about why your life is better because this person was a part of it,” says Hendrix.
These thoughts could be well-placed when the conversation is wrapping up. “At the end of the conversation, regardless of the reaction, thank your partner for all the good times,” says Porter. “Express appreciation, and express regret that things didn’t work out.”
“You want to make sure you’re leaving this person as best you can,” says Krafchick. “In the sense that if you ran into them on the street, would you want them to run away and hide from you? Or would it be okay if that happened?”
20. Give each other space.
Different relationships are going to have different circumstances, of course. If you share kids, a pet, or an apartment, then it might take time to untangle your relationship and have time apart. “But if it’s possible to get space and that doesn’t cause harm to anybody else, it is helpful,” says Stratyner.
So mute or unfollow them on social media, avoid texting or calling, and maybe take a break from places you know they frequent for a little while—it doesn’t have to be forever, but seeing each other frequently will only add to the hurt. If you do live with them, offer to find another place to stay until you can both figure out a new living arrangement.
“Even if you feel that you don’t want to be in a relationship, you probably do still have some feelings,” Stratyner explains. “Many people feel very ambivalent when they’re going through a breakup. They may have intense love for someone but feel that they’re not in the same place in terms of what they want. And if you don’t get that space, a lot of times people get stuck in this kind of holding pattern.”
21. Check in with yourself.
After the conversation, do a mini debrief with yourself, suggests Hendrix. Ask: How was that for me? How do I feel right now? Then remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with breaking up with somebody. You may feel bad right now, but know that the feeling is temporary.
Also, acknowledge the fact that you just did something really hard. Even though you were the one who decided to break up, “you’re not in the clear with regards to feelings,” says Hendrix. As you work through tough emotions, be really gentle with yourself and practice self-care. Do nice things for yourself: go to a movie, take a nap, cook a healthy meal.
The post How to Break Up With Someone: 21 Tips for a Kind, Clean Break, According to Psychologists appeared first on Glamour.
