I am going to tell a brief story about my friend at his funeral. The incident happened 65 years ago. The problem is that I am unsure whether the details of the story, as I remember them, are factual or just in my imagination. No one who was a witness at the time is still living. Should I make this story delightful and not worry about the facts, or make the story short, truthful and perhaps dull? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Researchers in psychology and neuroscience regularly tell us that episodic memory is less like a video recorder than like a story processor. Share a memory, and your brain actively constructs something, piecing it together in ways that are responsive to other beliefs, assumptions and values you may have. When you overhear conversations on a bus, train, subway or street, you’re very often listening to people recount previous conversations. (‘‘So she says … . And I’m like … . And she says … .’’) Psychologists would tell us that we may be listening to a new memory being created. It’s not that the stories we trot out are tall tales, but they may be on tiptoes.
The story you want to relate — the story that’s meaningful to you — is the one you remember. Given your uncertainty, you can simply throw in the caution ‘‘as I remember it.’’ Others will no doubt tell stories the way they remember them and will be no less subject to the fallibility of human memory, however untroubled their confidence. The difference between you and the other speakers at this funeral, then, might be simply that you’re rightly aware your details could be wrong, while they’re wrongly convinced their details are right.
We’re planning a special Ethicist column on sex. Do you have a question you’d like to have answered? Letters about the ethics of desire, intimacy, partnership, consent, kink and related concerns are all welcome. To submit a query, send an email to [email protected] by Jan. 13, 2025.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a doctor with a troubling quandary. He wrote: “I am a physician in New York State who considers reproductive autonomy to be a basic human right. Our practice recently started to provide care to a newly pregnant 13-year-old. At this time, she does not want to terminate her pregnancy, although it also does not seem that she necessarily wants to continue her pregnancy. … Her mother is involved in her care and is walking the fine line of trying to maintain a relationship with her daughter while firmly guiding her toward terminating the pregnancy. The mother is acutely aware of how generational poverty is perpetuated and wants to break the cycle of young teen pregnancy in her family. My dilemma relates not to the legal issue of consent but to whether a 13-year-old has an ethical right to assent to care. Parents routinely, and appropriately, force children to receive medical care that they don’t want — flu vaccines, needed surgeries — because they have a maturity and an understanding of the situation young children lack. … What can a caring parent ethically require?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “When our capacities aren’t fully developed, decisions are entrusted to others — beginning with our parents. And while the law may need to draw sharp boundaries, there’s often uncertainty about whether people have developed the capacities that make it sensible to leave a decision to them. With smaller-stakes decisions, we might want to err on the side of granting youngsters control; one way you grow into autonomy is by practicing taking responsible decisions. But having a baby is not a low-stakes decision. … In the light of these consequences, the mother’s judgment about the wisest course here seems to me sound. … But as you also recognize, thinking that this is the right decision doesn’t settle the issue of whose choice it is. … The fact that she is far from the ideal of full autonomy doesn’t justify terminating her pregnancy by force or by guile. This teenager may not have an adult’s decision-making capacity; she does have the capacity to experience profound violation from undergoing an abortion against her will, an experience that could result in psychological harm.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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Your responses are always well reasoned and kind. You were incredibly thoughtful and deliberate in considering all perspectives of this most consequential decision. Thank you. — Tom
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While I agree with the Ethicist, I would add that the primary responsibility for parenting this unborn child will likely fall on the 13-year-old’s mother, so she has every right to express an opinion and influence her daughter in this decision. She may have been a teenage mother herself, and knows full well that that can and will limit her daughter’s horizons. — Sharon
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I think the Ethicist’s response is fine, however, let’s consider some down-to-earth issues. I doubt that this child’s pregnancy is an immaculate conception. I am a social worker and know that pregnant teenage girls this young are usually impregnated by an older male teenager or an adult man. Who is the father? What responsibilities does he have, and what preference does he have about the pregnancy? This pregnancy may be the result of coerced sex or even sexual assault, given the age of the girl. These issues must be addressed as part of any decision about the pregnancy. — Christina
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I find the Ethicist’s reply very appropriate, but would wish for more focus on the psychological outcome for the girl. I was coerced into an abortion at the age of 15, and 25 years later I’m still suffering under the emotional consequences of that event. Back then, my family threatened to shun and kick me out, but at the same time I was told everyone had my best interests in mind. It is important that the girl knows she will have support no matter what she decides. Although her family only meant to save her, if she finds herself forced, she might end up carrying this guilt forever. There are understandable reasons for an abortion, but the decision mustn’t be made out of emotional coercion. — Elisabeth
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I will share my approach as a mother with a similar challenge. Our daughter was just 16 when she became pregnant — older than this child, but still young. I had told her (many times, in fact) that if she ever became pregnant while still living at home that we would insist on one of two approaches: put the child up for adoption, or seek termination. We made it clear that we would not be responsible for raising another child. When she became pregnant, we found out early enough that we went straight to the termination option. One contributing reason was that the boy who impregnated her was abusive, violent and three years her senior. The other reason is that, as an adoptee herself, our daughter swore she would never put the child up for adoption. (The sense of maternal rejection and loss was almost too much for her.) Fast-forward 16 years. With a stable, supportive and loving man, she is now the mother of a beautiful toddler. She has not had to maintain a parenting relationship with the violent guy, and her little one is being raised by two healthy adults. She has no regrets. Nor do her father and I. We made the decision as parents, and it was the right one for our whole family. — Lucille
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I had my first child at 14. I finished school on time and went to university where I studied in a STEM field, graduating with a high-distinction average. I went on to have a very successful career, with financial independence and the good fortune to travel widely, seeing much of this beautiful planet. Most importantly though, my three adult sons are happy, healthy, thriving people, two of whom are now parents themselves. My point: We have no idea who this woman will become, and no one has the right to judge her based on his or her own imagination of her future. I’ve found that young people often live up to the expectations we have of them. So when you expect bad things, please consider the damage you might be doing. — Mena
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As a social worker who worked with adolescents around sexuality and relationships, I have a lot of experience with pregnancy-choice counseling. For many pregnant teens (and some adults too) the pregnancy represents a psychological need the person is desperate to fulfill. Forcing abortion in that case only leads to more feelings of loss and emptiness, and frequently to a repeat pregnancy. At the least, this 13-year-old needs confidential, sensitive counseling to help her deal with the profound loss of the hoped-for fulfillment and the very real loss of autonomy she may be feeling. — Laura
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