This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Shawna Lum, 31, of Barcelona. She runs a company that offers advice to would-be expats. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I sustained neck and spine injuries when I was doing CrossFit a few years ago. They still cause me a lot of pain. My Spanish husband, Dan, 31, goes out of his way to try to ease the symptoms.
We’ll be in a long line at a grocery store, and he’ll gently massage my back because I’ve been standing for so long. He’s always kissing me in front of people on the street. He’s not afraid of PDA.
Most of the men I dated in the US before I moved from Los Angeles to Europe eight years ago were uptight about it. One brushed my hand away when I reached over to hold his hand in a restaurant. Another was clearly uncomfortable when I ruffled his hair.
In the US, the guys I met were uptight. If I wanted to bring up something emotional that happened in my life, they weren’t available to talk about it. Three out of four of my serious boyfriends ended our relationship by text message.
The other dumped me while I was grieving the loss of a beloved aunt. He distanced himself because he was clearly not comfortable with consoling me. In 2016, I started to get depressed that I was never going to be in a relationship that worked out.
I’d spent part of the previous year in Spain as part of my college degree, and I felt happy and carefree. I decided to quit my traineeship as a manager for an oil and gas company and enroll in a master’s program at a business school in Barcelona.
I got to know people at Meetup events
I mostly wanted a challenge and a change of scene. Still, my motivation was partly fueled by my search for romance. I thought it would be fun to meet some European guys.
Dating felt less forced in Spain. Instead of going to a flashy place for dinner, I enjoyed doing more adventurous things with people, like cycling or hiking all day.
Meanwhile, I turned to Meetup, a website that organizes trips and events. At events such as volleyball tournaments, yoga workshops, and ceramics projects, you mingle with like-minded people. It’s a great way of making connections, whether friendly or romantic.
Another difference between dating in Spain and the US is that more of the guys I dated seemed ready for commitment. If I dated someone and it became an ongoing relationship, they’d call me their “girlfriend” because it was exclusive.
I met Dan, who was born and raised in Malaga, on the Costa del Sol, when I was riding my bike in 2017. I was impressed because he was fluent in Spanish, English, and Portuguese. We played ping pong, went dancing, and meditated together. He was open and talked about his emotions in a way I’d never heard from my ex-boyfriends.
We moved in together, and I got a “partnership visa” in 2018. I employed a lawyer, but it was relatively easy to obtain once I proved cohabitation. I switched from teaching English to freelance work in digital marketing, mostly building websites for American clients.
People from different generations spend time together
Dan, a DJ and music producer, and I got married in October 2021. Sadly, my father was diagnosed with a terminal illness during COVID. Dan supported us throughout. He prioritizes family and community — a common theme in Spain. The different generations mix well. One of the nicest things is seeing kids, young people, and older folks strolling together along La Rambla or gathering in the plazas in Barcelona.
My relocation experience inspired me to set up my company, MoveOverSeasNow, focusing on Europe and South America. I coach Americans on everything from obtaining citizenship by descent to navigating health systems and financial planning for their move.
I deal with many couples but plenty of singles, too. Many of them are inspired by tales of finding romance. While I can’t guarantee they’ll meet the partner of their dreams in their adopted country, I tell them they’ll have fun looking.
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