Hailey Magee often paid for drinks when she went out with friends, bought loved ones expensive dinners and picked up the tab on dates. During the holiday season, Ms. Magee purchased lavish gifts, even when she was on a tight budget.
“I always felt pinched and stressed,” she said.
Ms. Magee, 31, a certified life coach and author of “Stop People Pleasing: And Find Your Power,” said she felt a “compulsion to pay for things.”
While others benefited from Ms. Magee’s largess, it put financial strain on her. Ms. Magee, who lives in Seattle, would make sacrifices in her own spending, such as putting off buying a new dining table or a full set of dinnerware. She also lowballed clients for her coaching services.
“I was abandoning myself,” she said.
Behavior like this is a classic example of “people pleasing.” And when it comes to your finances, it can show up in various ways. Perhaps you tip generously, lend others money or buy your children expensive clothes when you can’t afford to. And while being a “yes” person may be seen as kindness, it often “comes at a cost,” said Alex Melkumian, a psychologist in Los Angeles.
Ms. Magee said she had spent thousands on others, leaving less money for her savings and retirement accounts.
Corie Lowden, host of “The People Pleaser Podcast,” has a habit of trying to make others happy — even when it hurts her financial health. Ms. Lowden said she had once paid $80 for a bouquet of balloons for her grandfather’s birthday. When it was time to pay, she learned that helium would cost extra, but she spent the money anyway.
“I didn’t want to make the cashier uncomfortable, so I swallowed my feelings,” said Ms. Lowden, 38, who lives in Port Townsend, Wash.
In her vintage resale business, Ms. Lowden also set her prices too low and paid herself too little. By the close of 2021, people pleasing in both her personal and professional life had put her more than $20,000 in debt.
There’s nothing wrong with helping others, as long as it’s not “financially hurtful,” said Michelle Griffith, a senior wealth adviser at Citi Personal Wealth Management. Red flags include overspending each month or racking up credit card debt. Ms. Griffith also recommends asking yourself this question: “Is people pleasing creating ‘financial tension’ in my life?” If so, there may be a bigger problem, she said.
But since people pleasing is a personality trait, dialing back your spending requires more than learning the nuts and bolts of money management. It also takes some self-reflection, Dr. Melkumian said. Often, it’s the marriage of the two that leads to long-term change.
Identify triggers.
Sometimes, people pleasing stems from our early childhood experiences, said Ashley Agnew, a financial therapist. If you came from a rigid household or had controlling parents, it can feel like second nature to let others dictate your decision-making. So when a friend forgets his wallet and asks you to pick up the check, you may pay without giving it a second thought.
Low self-esteem and an overriding need to be liked can also trigger people pleasing. If we shower people with gifts, the thinking goes, they’ll be less likely to reject us. In these instances, we feel as though our worth is defined by the size of our wallet, Dr. Melkumian said.
And in some cases, family values are the driver. For example, Ms. Magee grew up in a family that emphasized putting others first. “Generosity traveled through generations,” she said.
While the origins of people pleasing vary, there is one common thread: People pleasers tend to have a lot of anxiety, said Megan McCoy, a financial therapist at Kansas State University, who considers herself a member of the tribe.
“In times of stress, people pleasing tendencies can become very unhealthy really quickly,” she said.
When Dr. McCoy feels that she has been neglecting a friendship, for example, she might turn to her wallet for an easy Band-Aid.
“If I feel like a bad friend, like I’m not calling enough, not being there enough, I find myself wanting to throw money at the problem,” she said.
Get comfortable with discomfort.
People pleasers shy away from confrontation, Dr. Melkumian said. They get stuck in “cyclical thinking,” imagining people’s reactions and anticipating their disappointment. And so they’ll often take the path of least resistance: splitting the restaurant bill when they ordered only an appetizer, for example, or agreeing to go on an extravagant trip that’s outside their budget.
If these awkward situations breed discomfort, find a way to break the ice. Dr. McCoy recommends using A.I. tools: “If you don’t know how to say ‘no’ to your colleague who keeps asking you for money, see what ChatGPT suggests.”
Ms. Magee said role-playing with a trusted friend could also help. “Write down the language of what you’ll say in advance so you have some sound bites to work with,” she advised.
It can be difficult for people pleasers to say “no” in the heat of the moment. Ms. Agnew suggested slowing down before you respond to the request.
“Give yourself the grace of a pause and visualize what’s important to you,” she suggested. For example, you might take a beat and say: “This trip sounds like fun, but I’ve got this new addition to the house I’m saving up for.”
Learning to tolerate discomfort can help you make more informed decisions.
“And the more attention you devote to not people-pleasing, the more you can actually choose to give when you do have money,” Dr. Melkumian said.
Set boundaries and identify alternative behaviors.
You can nurture relationships without draining your bank account. Dr. McCoy recommends making a list of things you can do, categorized by time and money spent.
For example, if you want to spend time with friends, you can dip into one of two categories: “high cost” and “low cost.” After all, rocking out at a Taylor Swift concert might be a great hangout with your buddies, but streaming the Eras tour on TV and ordering takeout can be affordable fun.
Ms. Magee used to shortchange herself.
“I only had one fork, and my mattress hurt my back,” she said. One night, she had a moment of clarity. Ms. Magee had invited friends over for dinner and asked them to bring their own utensils. “They started poking fun at me, understandably so,” she recalled.
Ms. Magee realized that she had come to believe she was “not worth the bare minimum, but other people were worth everything.” With that insight, she finally started to treat herself the same way she treated everyone else. “I bought a nice new couch and an expensive piano keyboard,” she said.
Now with her coaching clients, Ms. Magee helps other people pleasers set boundaries, including financial ones.
“Financial resentment can destroy relationships,” she warned.
Seek support.
When it comes to changing your behavior, seeking professional support can help. If your people pleasing stems from childhood trauma, seeing a therapist can help you uncover the root of your behavior. Therapists can also cheer you on as you make new changes.
Ms. Griffith recommends meeting with a financial adviser to understand how people pleasing influences your decisions. For example, you could be trying to avoid conflict or yearning for social acceptance. These underlying motivations can wreak havoc on your best-laid money plans.
Financial advisers can also help you examine your choices through a money lens: Does your generosity fit your budget? Just because you want to buy your grandchild a car or pay the grandchild’s college tuition doesn’t mean it’s financially feasible, Ms. Griffith said.
If you find yourself in this pickle, Ms. Griffith has a fail-proof recommendation: Say no and blame it on your financial adviser.
“I tell my clients to make me the bad guy,” she said. It can be very effective to simply say, “Helping you could hurt me.” Since your loved ones don’t want to cause you pain, this tactic is “win-win instead of win-lose.”
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