“Everybody knows the hottest, most gutturally satisfying sex is that which you have with a toxic person,” says Jayne*, 41, a public defender. “That’s why I’m OK with letting go of my moral convictions to engage in casual sex with a conservative.” In fact, Jayne once had a fling with a man whose license plate read “NO MASK.” The hottest man she ever slept with protested at the Capitol on Jan. 6.
But could she have had an actual relationship with these guys? Nope. Jayne thinks sharing political views is central to sustaining a long-term relationship, and most people agree: In October, a Coffee Meets Bagel survey found that 77% of female users wouldn’t date a Trump voter.
For some left-leaning women, however, there’s nothing wrong with red hot sex. One recent case study: People reports that Barron Trump is quite “popular with the ladies” at New York University, after all. “He’s tall and handsome,” says the source. “A lot of people seem to think he’s pretty attractive — yes, even liberal people like him.”
Although dating across the aisle used to be fairly NBD for some, that’s changed as the country has become more polarized — so divided that even telling people you had a fling with a conservative might earn you a side-eye.
The Elephant In The Bedroom
Worried about being judged by their friends and family, some guilt-ridden progressive women are keeping their sexual exploits with right-wingers hush-hush.
Take, for example, Dana*, 26, a writer who identifies as left-leaning. “I felt ashamed [when I considered] telling liberal friends that I was hooking up with a more conservative person,” Dana says. Not knowing how to broach the subject, she dropped heavy-handed hints, saying things like: “I found out he likes conspiracy theories,” and, “I found out he’s anti-vax.”
Ultimately, when they finally addressed the literal elephant in the (bed)room, her friends understood why she liked hooking up with the man who eschewed scientific facts: The sexual chemistry was solid. “He did an excellent job at prioritizing my pleasure […] in ways that I had not experienced with previous partners,” Dana says.
Not knowing how to broach the subject, she dropped heavy-handed hints, saying things like: “I found out he likes conspiracy theories,” and, “I found out he’s anti-vax.”
Others are a bit less understanding. Jade*, 25, works in publishing and recently had casual sex with a police officer. Because of his career and suburban background, she had a hunch he might be a Republican — a relationship dealbreaker for her. But since, after their first date, she decided she wasn’t emotionally into him anyway, she figured it wouldn’t hurt to sleep together before confirming her intuition. Ignorance was bliss: “The sex was good,” she says.
Post-election, when he didn’t share Jade’s grief and evaded direct questions about his party affiliation, she took matters into her own hands. “I realize how bonkers this sounds, but I used his birthday and ZIP code to look up his voter registration and confirm his Republican status,” she says. Then, she texted him that she was bummed out after Trump’s win and “wanted to table things” despite his adamance that they could overcome their differing viewpoints.
Initially, Jade hadn’t mentioned his politics to her friends to avoid judgment, but eventually, she needed to her air her frustration about his lack of post-election blues. “None of them were like, ‘WTF, Jade.’ But they were like, ‘Oh…’” Their silence made it clear: They disapproved.
What If It’s Just Sex?
Becky*, 21, a left-leaning college student, started sleeping with Josh* earlier this year. They usually never talked politics — it was strictly sex. But as the 2024 election came into focus this fall, Becky got curious and started putting feelers out to see if they aligned. She made a joke about Josh being MAGA, expecting him to say absolutely not — but he didn’t deny it. “I was stunned,” Becky says, as there weren’t any signs besides the fact that he was on the golf team.
She says she was mad, but her parents have differing political views, so she believes people can still be civil. She figured it didn’t need to change the dynamic of their fling — until she learned that he was anti-abortion. “He was like, ‘I mean, I’m fine to have a kid now.’ It really freaked me out,” Becky says. She figured that, since he was about to leave for study abroad, his takes on bodily autonomy weren’t worth breaking off their situation. They kept hooking up.
Jade tried compartmentalizing, too — it was just sex. But the more she thought about him voting for (hoping for!) the “very scary reality that is going to be our future,” as she puts it, the guiltier she felt about going against her values.
“I Tend To Make Excuses”
All that said: In a country where 51% of 18- to 29-year-olds voted for Vice President Kamala Harris, aren’t there plenty of other liberals for left-wing women to sleep with? Sure. Still, some don’t mind giving conservative men the benefit of the doubt.
“I’d experienced a lot of performative feminism and gaslighting from the liberal guys I dated before,” says Maria, 28, a journalist. “I want to be clear: I’m not actively seeking out sex with [them],” But if the guy is a good conversationalist and there’s witty banter, (a rarity in these hyper-online times, she says) she says she’s cool with just hooking up.
Some are open to fully-fledged relationships, too: The University of Michigan analyzed data from roughly 4,000 couples and found that 23% affiliated with differing political parties, per a 2024 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
When her friend asked why his job search was taking so long, Mila made up an excuse (“it’s a competitive market!”) to evade the subject.
Gigi*, 24, a brand partnerships analyst who voted for Harris, has been happily dating a conservative man for three years — but not without stress over how that comes off to friends and family. “I feel incredibly scared to share my boyfriend’s political views and stances with others,” Gigi says, worrying they’ll judge her for staying with him. “I tend to either make a lot of excuses or only share [his views] with those who are incredibly close to me and see how great he is firsthand,” she explains.
Most of the time, she and her boyfriend don’t talk politics. As the 2024 election neared and they discussed hot-button issues like abortion and healthcare, “I was worried, as some conversations were definitely less productive,” Gigi says. “It would’ve been nicer if he voted the same as me. It was a great chance to stand up for women, which is really important [to] me.” Nevertheless, she feels the relationship will survive due to the respect and love they have for each other.
Others ultimately have a harder time reconciling with their partners. Mila*, 26, a left-leaning marketing and content manager, broke up with her boyfriend of three years around the time of the 2024 election due to their opposing beliefs. Namely, she tried explaining to him the ways Muslims “are constantly portrayed as villains in media” and the racism she’d experienced as a result. “He kept pushing back and started telling me […] I should listen to people like Joe Rogan,” Mila explains, which created a serious rift between them.
None of my friends were like, “WTF, Jade.” But they were like, “Oh…”
On top of this, she felt judged by friends and family who knew about his politics — so she started to lie. For example, her boyfriend worked in healthcare and refused to get vaxxed. When her friend asked why his job search was taking so long, Mila made up an excuse (“it’s a competitive market!”) to evade the subject.
Her partner’s politics were ultimately a dealbreaker. Though they barely talked toward the end of their romance, Mila continued to sleep with him until he moved out. Why? The sex was good, she says — well, “mostly.”
*Name has been changed.
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