Let’s make a Festivus pole.
We’ll be recreating the classic model: an unadorned aluminum tube mounted on a simple wood base. Introduced to the world in the December 1997 “Seinfeld” episode titled “The Strike,” the Festivus pole subsequently took on a cultural life of its own, adopted by some viewers as the anti-commercial symbol of their anti-holiday spirit.
In the show, Frank Costanza describes the origin of Festivus: “Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had — but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way. … Out of that, a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us.”
The episode also established the date of Festivus, Dec. 23, and its chief traditions, the airing of grievances and the feats of strength. (Festivus rules dictate that the holiday is complete only when the head of the household is defeated in a wrestling match.)
All of this was comedic invention. Festivus itself, however, was real, and predated the “Seinfeld” episode by more than 30 years. Daniel and Deborah O’Keefe created it in February 1966 to commemorate their first date. In the mid-1970s, they revived it and enriched its lore for their children. Their son Dan grew up, became a screenwriter and eventually co-wrote “The Strike,” warping the lore for maximum laughs.
A secular holiday celebrating family and rejecting commercialism and traditional iconography, the O’Keefe Festivus had unique rituals and traditions, one of which was that it had no fixed date. Formal manners were suspended for the Festivus dinner, which was usually turkey followed by pecan pie. The family members exchanged small gifts, sang silly songs and amused one another by making little Play-Doh sculptures at the table. The symbol of Festivus was not an aluminum pole, but either a clock inside a bag or a clock alongside a bag.
A Tradition Unbound
In the years after “The Strike” aired, some people began celebrating the Seinfeldian Festivus. They often added their own twists to its rituals, like replacing the feats of strength with limboing under the Festivus pole.
Allen Salkin wrote about the phenomenon for The New York Times in December 2004 and later wrote a book, “Festivus: The Holiday for the Rest of Us.” I asked him for guidance on Festivus pole design.
“You could literally make a miniature Festivus pole by just putting some sand or dirt in a cup and sticking a nail in it,” he suggested.
A fine idea, and a quick project if you’re short on time. Any old nail will do for family, but for a Festivus gathering with friends, why not go classy? A box of stainless-steel, two-and-a-half-inch, smooth-shank finishing nails is all you’ll need. They’re the same length as a standard toothpick — set them out with the hors d’oeuvres to glam up the Manchego cubes. (They’re usually made of “304” stainless, a.k.a. “18-8,” the same alloy used in cookware. Food-safe, in other words.)
Looking for something a bit more grand in scale? If you have a cellar, go poke around.
“People have found, you know, some weird support pole in a basement that’s holding the house up, and they declare that this is the pole,” Mr. Salkin said. Lucky me: My basement has two of them.
But I wanted a classic Festivus pole, and — lucky again — my basement also had a discarded shower rod, a short plank left over from a previous owner’s carpentry project, and a handful of sheet-metal screws dropped by the furnace repair guy the last time he was here. I couldn’t have designed a better Festivus pole kit if I’d tried.
A Short Shopping List
You may need to gather a few materials to make a similar pole of your own, and where better to get into the anti-holiday spirit than at your local big-box hardware store? The long lines and spotty inventory make every visit a Black Friday shopping experience.
Still, they’re sure to have a few shower rods in the bathroom aisle. You want one that will be permanently mounted, not held in place by spring-loaded bumpers, because it will come with pre-drilled mounting sockets.
Head to the lumber section next. Ask the teenager in charge of the panel saw whether you can take one of the plywood scraps that will be lying around. If the answer is no, grab the cheapest piece of milled 1-by-8 pine board you can find. They don’t charge extra for the really shabby, knot-ridden boards, so you might as well select one of those. “It’s rustic,” you’ll later explain to your guests.
You won’t need screws to complete your pole — they’ll come with the shower rod — but you will need a screwdriver, almost certainly a Phillips. If you don’t own one, swing by the hardware aisle and get one in the No. 1 size. Your shopping is complete.
I am choosing to ignore, in the interest of expediency, the many other D.I.Y. Festivus pole potentialities your hardware store provides, except to note that modern metallic spray paint is a holiday miracle in itself. To whip up a last-minute custom-colored pole, all you need is the empty tube from a roll of wrapping paper and an aerosol can of Bright Chrome, Antique Nickel, Matte Gunmetal, Soft Iron, Dark Steel, Hammered Silver or Gloss Titanium. (I didn’t see a Neglected Aluminum option, which would be perfect, but I assume it exists.)
Putting the Pieces Together
Grab your screwdriver. Open the shower rod carton. Find the screws. Use them to attach one of the mounting sockets in roughly the center of the board, which you’ve sawed to a roughly 16-inch length. Stick the shower rod in the socket. You’re done. If the pole won’t stand up straight, use a wrap of paper or tape around its bottom end to wedge it firmly upright.
What’s that? You don’t have a saw? Check the basement again. There’s probably one there.
Still no? Don’t go buy one. Simply lean the pole in a corner of the room. The kids will still love it, and if your holiday guests ask, just tell them it’s an early Dan Flavin piece. You know, before he discovered the lighting aisle.
The post This Year, Make Your Own Festivus Pole appeared first on New York Times.
