I am in my late 30s and in a great relationship. We’ve decided to move in together when our separate apartment leases end. We are both very tidy. But I am a clean freak because I grew up in a chaotic, dirty home. It took me years of therapy and self-help to deal with this. My boyfriend is just the opposite: I’ve visited his parents in the beautiful home where he grew up. Now, I am panicked about taking him to visit my childhood home. My parents are dirty and messy. Think: grime and roaches and leaving open cans of cat food on the kitchen counter for days. Telling my parents that I don’t want to bring my boyfriend to visit because I’m embarrassed to bring anyone there would hurt their feelings — which I can’t do. And when I’ve gone home by myself to clean, it causes arguments with them. What should I do?
DAUGHTER
First, let me applaud you for doing the hard work that was required for you to live differently from the way you were raised. It sounds to me, though — and this is no criticism — that you have not worked through the shame you feel about your parents and your childhood. And I can tell you from experience that there is no magic pill for dealing with shame.
Still, one of the great comforts of being in a loving relationship is sharing our darker feelings with a partner and lightening our loads. (And yes, we all have them!) You don’t mention how long you’ve been dating your boyfriend, but I am going to assume that you would not be moving in together, as adults, unless you were serious about each other.
So, I suggest postponing your joint visit to your parents’ home until you can talk candidly with your boyfriend about the challenges you faced growing up — and the work you’ve done to overcome them. I know that may be a scary prospect! And you may need to go back to your therapist for help with that conversation. But I promise you that if this guy is the right guy, then sharing your vulnerabilities with him will only invite him to do the same — and deepen your relationship.
When Siblings Say You’re Going Too Far
My sister and her fiancé have planned a destination wedding that is out of reach financially for some of our siblings. She is marrying into a wealthy family, so all of the groom’s siblings will be there. I can afford to go, but I want to refuse in solidarity with my siblings who can’t. I also feel as if I’m being coerced into a four-day vacation that isn’t my style. Still, this is my sister’s wedding, and the R.S.V.P.s are due soon. Help!
SISTER
It would be a shame if no one spoke to your sister during the planning of this wedding about the callousness of creating an event that several of your siblings can’t afford. (Or maybe that happened, and the bridal couple still opted for their destination event.) At this point, it may be too late to alter plans — or to raise money to subsidize the travel costs for some siblings.
Still, I encourage you — and this may be hard — to lean away from thinking about this wedding in a tribal way: acting “in solidarity” with some siblings and in opposition to others. I understand there may be hard feelings here, but they were probably created unintentionally. So, if you want to attend the wedding, go. Otherwise, it may be more helpful to spend your resources creating a local event that everyone in your family can attend.
Would Love to See You! Now Make It Happen.
I am a middle-aged woman with a career who also runs a busy household. Yet in the past six months, I have been directed — three times — by other women to make restaurant bookings. Is this the responsibility of the person who makes the invitation or the one who accepts the invitation? I may sound grumpy, but I don’t understand why I am being assigned extra chores.
DINER
In my experience, the person who makes the invitation also books the table — unless someone else happens to volunteer. But if your friends are regularly inviting you to dine out, and then asking you to make the reservation, I suggest you grow more comfortable with the word “no.” Try: “I’m confident you can handle it.”
Token of Thanks, or Wooden Nickel?
I took care of two friends’ cat for a couple of weeks while they were away. He’s a lovely cat, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. To thank me — which I had insisted was unnecessary — they gave me a gift card to a local coffee shop. But when I tried using it recently, an employee told me that it didn’t work. Should I let my friends know? I really don’t need a gift.
FRIEND
Absolutely tell your friends! It is not gift-grubbing to let them know that the gift card — on which they spent money to thank you — is a bust. Otherwise, you are converting the gift into one for the coffee shop owners. And that is not what your friends intended.
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