My ex and I broke up six months ago. It ended very badly, with lots of volatility and rage. I was so distressed by the experience that I went to therapy for the first time. It’s been helpful to recognize how much I internalized my ex’s criticisms of me. I hadn’t seen him since our breakup — until yesterday. I was sitting in my therapist’s waiting room, and he walked in with a woman who I assume is his new girlfriend. I pretended not to see him, and he walked out as soon as he saw me. The experience was alarming and mortifying: Not only has he moved on so quickly, but he’s already in couples therapy! My question: How do I avoid these run-ins in the future? I probably don’t have the right to ask him not to come to therapy during my time slot, but it’s the only time I could arrange.
EX-GIRLFRIEND
Before we get to the uncomfortable waiting room, let’s review all the progress you’ve made: After a terrible breakup, you recognized that you needed help, and you went out and got it. You are exploring the ways in which your ex made you feel bad about yourself, and you and your therapist are probably working on strategies to prevent that from happening again. You’re killing it!
Now, that doesn’t mean there won’t be occasional backsliding. And running into your ex for the first time after a bad breakup is virtually guaranteed to cause one. Still, you show maturity in recognizing that it’s not reasonable to tell your ex that he can’t sit in the same waiting room as you. (In fact, it’s probably good that he’s getting therapy, right?)
Best of all: You have a therapist in place to help you with this issue. I would consider briefly acknowledging your ex — with a nod or a wave — and then returning to your phone or magazine. This may help you normalize sitting in the same space with him. My concern: Try not to make too much of his presence there. The fact that he has a new girlfriend — if she’s his new girlfriend — says nothing about you. Keep the focus on yourself, OK?
Before Bringing in the Pros, a Child Care Trial Run
My partner and I have an infant. I earn significantly more money than he does, and my job is more time-intensive. We both work from home. During my maternity leave, I did most of the child care. My partner thinks he will be able to pick up those duties when I return to work, but I’m afraid he won’t be up to it. I also want to set boundaries that allow me to keep working even though I am just steps away from the baby. I’ve suggested a sitter or day care, but he’s concerned about the cost. How can I talk about this without making him feel that he’s not up to the job?
MOM
In my experience, it is often unnecessary to share our doubts about people when life will do the job for us. Here, let your partner take charge of child care before you go back to work. You can shadow him while he does. If he succeeds on his own, terrific! But if your doubts prove correct, you will still have time to find alternate help before you return to work — without having to share your intuition about your partner’s capabilities.
… Or Maybe Your Host Just Wanted You There?
I received an email invitation to a small party from neighbors whom I don’t know that well. I had a feeling it may have been intended for someone else. Still, I try to be open to new friends, so I went. The hosts were welcoming, and I had a pleasant time, but it was clear that I was not the intended guest: For one thing, it was an annual event, and there were no other newcomers there. And email addresses are so easily mixed up. No harm, I suppose. But how could I have handled this differently?
GUEST
I think we need to boost your self-esteem! I have never invited a person to a party by mistake — via email or otherwise. (Have you?) You don’t mention anyone’s surprise at seeing you, and even if the party is annual, that doesn’t mean the guest list is immutable. I think it’s more likely that your hosts thought: “Our neighbor seems like a nice person. Let’s get to know her better.” Own it: You’re likable! And what’s the alternative: calling to confirm that your invitation wasn’t a mistake?
The Gifts Are Unsolicited. So Is the Quandary.
My mother receives about 10 letters a week requesting donations to various charitable organizations. Many of the requests include swag: pens, socks, dream catchers and the like. If she uses these things, is she obligated to donate to the organization?
DAUGHTER
Absolutely not! Some charitable organizations include token gifts with their donation appeals to increase engagement with recipients and to create a soft obligation to reciprocate the gesture. These efforts have the opposite effect on me.
If an organization that depends on charitable giving is spending its scarce resources to buy and ship trinkets to me, I am not instilled with confidence that the organization will use my gift wisely. (Also: Encourage your mother to donate the socks to a charity shop.)
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