Caroline and James Koster have spent years finding ways to connect across the political aisle. For decades, the couple from Brooklyn, N.Y., would line up at their local polling station with their two sons in tow and cancel out one another’s vote — she tends to be more moderate, while he is more conservative.
Their extended family is politically mixed, too. Caroline, 58, gathers with many right-leaning relatives in Kentucky for a family reunion every year. And this month, the couple will celebrate Thanksgiving in Ohio with several of James’s brothers, who do not see eye to eye politically. “We run the gamut from super liberal to centrist to archconservative,” James, 59, said.
“You can imagine, for some people, those kinds of differences of opinion drive them apart,” he added. “But we don’t let that happen.”
With Thanksgiving a week away, families across a deeply divided nation are putting the finishing touches on their menus and are once again making plans to gather with loved ones who may be at odds over the results of the 2024 presidential election. As the country has grown increasingly polarized, how do families find their way back together for the holidays?
“There are longstanding grievances on both sides,” said Kenneth Barish, a clinical professor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medical College and author of the forthcoming book, “Bridging Our Political Divide: How Liberals and Conservatives Can Understand Each Other and Find Common Ground.”
“So then the question is: What can we do?” he continued. “How can we have a better conversation? A less angry conversation? A conversation that actually goes somewhere?”
Gathering for the Holidays — Strategically
Jon May, 39, has felt politics seep into his relationships with his family — many of whom are conservative and evangelical Christian — more and more in recent years, particularly since President-elect Donald J. Trump rose to prominence in 2016.
“I talk to them less. I see them less,” said Mr. May, who supported Vice President Kamala Harris in the election and is gay. He will drive from his home in Memphis to his parents’ home in Olive Branch, Miss., for Thanksgiving lunch, then spend the rest of the day on a friend’s farm, where he can really unwind.
Mr. May has contemplated withdrawing from his family altogether, sometimes questioning: Do I need this in my life? “But ultimately, these are still the people I grew up with, the people who raised me and who still love me — and I love them,” he said.
Lisa Marie Bobby, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Growing Self, a counseling and coaching service, said that this election cycle surfaced deep questions about core beliefs among supporters of each presidential candidate.
“There were very strong narratives on both sides,” Dr. Bobby said, that conveyed the message: “We are virtuous and good, and the other side is objectively evil and going to destroy the world.”
If getting together with family requires that you go into an environment that feels hostile, inflammatory or emotionally unsafe, it is wise to disengage altogether, Dr. Bobby said. Also, be honest with yourself about whether you are likely to be the instigator who needs to sit out Thanksgiving dinner, she added.
Still, if your family shares strong core values around love, support and connection, bridging those gaps may be worthwhile. Dr. Bobby recommended thinking about who would be present at family gatherings and what kind of conflicts might arise — planning ahead “versus blindly walking into something thinking, I hope it’ll be OK.”
Michael Alvarez, 27, is from a big family in Houston — lots of cousins, aunts and uncles on both sides — and, as far as he knows, he is the “lone liberal voice” among them. He’d been preparing himself to sidestep arguments like the heated one he had shortly before Thanksgiving 2020 about the myth of the stolen election.
But to his surprise, Mr. Alvarez has had family members reach out since the election to tell him that they love him, that they don’t want him to feel hurt or sad about the outcome — and that they hope he will feel welcome at Thanksgiving.
“They’ve taken down the yard signs now, so that’s one less thing to worry about when I go over there,” Mr. Alvarez said. “They’ve been pretty magnanimous so far.”
Connecting, Without Confrontation
Some people’s holiday plans are in flux as a result of politics. Michael Troy, 50, had been planning to spend Thanksgiving with his girlfriend of five years. But after the election, he said, she has begun to question whether they can still be together. Mr. Troy, who asked to use his first and middle name to maintain his professional privacy, voted for Mr. Trump, while his girlfriend voted for Ms. Harris.
“I feel we can differ and still not have our values be compromised,” said Mr. Troy, who lives in California, “because on a private, personal level we can negotiate with each other, we can work with each other.”
In some families, that might mean skipping talk of politics. But those who do engage may find that expressing concerns rather than opinions is helpful, Dr. Barish said. So, instead of offering an opinion on how to fix inflation, for instance, you might simply note that it is an issue you are concerned about, he said.
This approach may sound like merely semantics, he added, but can be a conversational game changer.
“It leads you in the direction of dialogue, not debate,” Dr. Barish said, though he acknowledged that, despite his expertise, he still struggles sometimes when it comes to mixing family and politics.
James and Caroline Koster, the ideologically mismatched couple, traveled to Kenosha, Wis., last summer to attend a three-day convention hosted by Braver Angels, a nonprofit that facilitates cross-partisan conversation.
The pair leans on strategies they learned at the conference — and through decades of practice — to communicate within their family: They try to listen more than they speak. They assume goodness in others. They make an effort to distinguish between policies and people. And they place a premium on facts, though that has become increasingly difficult in this age of widespread disinformation.
“We can’t always win,” Caroline said. “Sometimes we need to learn to just back off gracefully.”
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