My friend of many years, who is an alcoholic in denial, lies to cancel social commitments with me. I am trying to maintain our friendship because I care about her, but the excuse she gave me for her most recent cancellation is beyond the pale: She claimed that her brother, who was diagnosed with terminal cancer, had taken a turn for the worse, and that she just wanted “to stay home and cry.” When I checked the story with one of her siblings, though, it turned out his condition hadn’t worsened. I am really upset that she fabricated this excuse. I am close to her brother. Is this a deal breaker for our friendship?
FRIEND
I completely understand your distress. It feels terrible to be lied to by friends. And if your old friend had written to me, I would tell her as much. But she didn’t write — you did. So, I am going to give you some advice, and I hope you take it in the helpful spirit in which it is intended, because frankly, your letter struck me differently than you probably intended it to.
Friends don’t malign each other gratuitously. Yet you introduce your friend as “an alcoholic in denial.” Respectfully, only mental health professionals, in consultation with their patients, are qualified to diagnose drinking problems. And as far as I can tell, her drinking is unrelated to your question. Still, it suggests that you are judgmental of your friend. Not my first choice in a dinner companion!
The crux of your complaint, though, is that she lied to you about her sick brother’s condition. That was a lousy thing to do! But if your friend feels overwhelmed (about her brother or anything else) and asks to cancel a plan, that seems like a legitimate request to me. Now, you can certainly tell her you prefer truthful excuses. And she may have burned through your generosity by now. But sitting in judgment of your friend is the last thing either of you needs.
Minivans or Museums? Let’s Get Married First.
Our 27-year-old son got engaged recently and plans to marry next year. We are thrilled for the couple! They currently live in a small rental apartment in Manhattan. Our son tells us it’s very important for him to raise his future children in the suburbs, but his fiancée is equivocating: She was raised in the city and loves it there. As parents, should we press our son to resolve this issue before they marry or let it play out?
DAD
I know your heart is in the right place, but I’d back off for now. If I had a nickel for every young couple who swore they were going to raise their children in one way, and then changed their minds after an actual child appeared, I would have … well, a lot of nickels. Unless your son and his fiancée are wildly prescient, they probably can’t make an informed decision now — or predict how they will feel after a fundamental change in their lives. Let them work this out in time.
It’s No Slight to Want to Skip a Sugar Crash
My stepson and his family live five hours away. They never come to us on holidays. We understand; they’re juggling busy lives. They do come for lunch the day after Thanksgiving, and I’ve created a festive ritual: I buy a belated birthday cake and helium balloons for their older daughter. (I also buy gifts for her younger sister, so she doesn’t feel left out.) This year, I got an email from their mother, saying no more birthday parties: The child has already had too many celebrations. (This stung!) She suggested I give her a book instead. I am crushed! We don’t get to see the kids that much, and I had created a tradition that everyone seemed to love. Is there anything to be done?
STEPMOM
I understand your feelings: The scraps you feel you are given by this family have been further reduced. But I think you may be misunderstanding the mother’s request. Organizing numerous events for children around gifts and sugar can promote materialistic qualities — not to mention meltdowns.
So, come up with another group activity: a nature walk or an art project, for instance. I suspect the shift away from gifts has nothing to do with you or your husband. And your absence from the other celebrations is probably due to nothing more than the five-hour drive.
The Iron Burned, but the Indifference Stung
My sister plugged in an iron and left it on top of my dresser. When I went to get a shirt, I burned my finger on the iron and yelled out her name. She can’t understand why I called her name. She doesn’t believe that she’s to blame for an adult touching an iron. Your thoughts?
SISTER
I have never heard of a person plugging in an iron and leaving it. It’s dangerous! But I have heard two million stories of people who have a hard time apologizing — especially when their names are called in anger. (It can make people defensive.) Revisit this issue when both of you are calm. If your sister persists in her nonsense, ask her to leave the iron unplugged as a favor to you.
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