This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Jasmine Parasram. It has been edited for length and clarity.
On my first date with my husband, Rohan, we discussed whether we wanted kids. It was 12 years ago when we were both 23.
It’s a bold topic for a first date, but there were two good reasons for it. First, I’m neurodivergent — I was diagnosed with ADHD two years ago — and I’ve always had a very strong curiosity to ask lots of questions. Second, this wasn’t our first meeting. He was actually my middle school crush. We reconnected at a mutual friend’s birthday and felt comfortable enough to ask.
On the date, we decided we were both 50/50 about having children. In the years since, we’ve both moved to being 100% certain we want to remain a childless couple forever.
Seeing our friends have kids changed our decision
Prior to this relationship, I’d been engaged when I was 19 to a man I knew wanted kids. I was OK with it, not thrilled. Six months before I was due to walk down the aisle, I left the relationship, knowing it wasn’t right for me.
With my now-husband, seeing our friends have kids and how that looked for them changed our minds about having kids.
We’d come away from those interactions feeling drained. If kids were really loud or icky or doing all the things kids are supposed to do, we kind of wanted to move away from them.
My husband’s mom really wanted us to have kids — she’s quite intuitive and was saying she sees twins in my life. Eventually, I had to tell her that that was not what I wanted.
We have siblings, so all the pressure is not on us
It helps that we both have siblings — it takes the pressure off us a bit to have grandchildren. My younger sister is married and trying for kids.
I don’t share the same drive and motivations people have around children. I have those drives and motivations around my career, my relationship, and my life. I run my own business as a pricing coach for freelancers.
Luckily — and surprisingly to me — my husband and I have always been on the same page on this issue. We check in on key topics like this on our anniversary. That sounds really unromantic, but we’re very pragmatic. I’ll say, “Are you still on board with the no kids thing?” It’s been a natural progression for us as we’ve grown together and know each other and our own minds more.
There are benefits to not having kids, but friendships have changed
We already feel the benefits of not having children. For example, on the weekends, we can lay in, then go to brunch, stay home, or go for a night out and not worry about anyone other than ourselves the next morning.
We’ve been married for the last two and a half years, and that’s when I’d say we’ve moved from 90% to 100% certain we want to remain childless as we look more to the future of our marriage and lives now that we’re both 35.
Reactions vary. It’s common for people to say you just haven’t found the right person or your time will come. But that has changed in the last five years, which shows people are more accepting of our decision.
Some friendships have changed around it. We’re close friends with two couples who’ve had babies in the last year. I’ve said to both of them how worried I am that our friendship will be affected. But it’s still hard to navigate; the version of your friend before isn’t guaranteed to be there afterward, nor should it be expected to be. There’s naturally an impact on how that relationship moves forward.
These days, we sometimes joke we’re living vicariously for those who’ve chosen to have children by doing all the things they might like to be doing. We can travel and pay for ourselves, prioritize our hobbies, buy a house, and use all the rooms for our own pursuits. We also feel we have financial freedom.
We’re genuinely thrilled for our friends who’ve chosen to have kids. It just isn’t for us — we’ve found joy in other things.
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