Which historical figure do you most identify with? Scott of the Antarctic. An angry, disappointed little man.
What is your favorite occupation? I have recently fallen in love with barbecuing. I love to undercook chicken and give my family worms.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? I am unable to use scissors.
What is the trait you most deplore in others? Telling me the menu is only accessible through the QR code.
What is your greatest extravagance? Barbecue equipment. Especially heat-resistant gloves. I am wearing some as I type.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Honesty. I’m sometimes asked by people who’ve just seen one of my films, ‘Do you mind if I’m honest?’ I do.
On what occasion do you lie? When asked whether everything is all right with my meal.
What is your idea of perfect happiness? Drinking a pint of London Pride while munching Twiglets and reading about Colin Firth having a critical and box office catastrophe.
What is your greatest fear? The cat bowls. With the old cat food dried on like cement.
What do you dislike most about your appearance? My cloud of powder gray hair. I look like Liberace. Or a cigarette.
Which living person do you most despise? Anyone in private equity. Or tech. Or London traffic planning. Or who uses a leaf blower.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse? “Watch out—dog shit.” And “Shall we open another bottle?”
What or who is the greatest love of your life? Scandiwife. Sociopathic children. Cunty cats.
What is your current state of mind? Deranged.
Where would you like to live? In Maria’s abbey in The Sound of Music. The peace. The Mother Superior.
What is your most marked characteristic? Thinly veiled fury.
What do you most value in your friends? Failure. Unhappiness.
What are your favorite names? Our local dentist growing up was Mr. Phang. Lovely man. Though he liked to be naked under his smock.
What is it that you most dislike? Leaf blowers. Scented candles. Drafts. Backpacks. Water bottles. Stretch fabrics.
How would you like to die? My wife has kindly agreed to sneak up behind me and shoot me in the back of the head.
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