Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
Performance Anxiety
The late-night hosts seem to be as anxious about the election as you are.
“It feels like the whole country is waiting to get the results of a biopsy,” Jimmy Kimmel said on Monday.
“These polls — they’re mood rings. That’s all they are. They bring you up, they bring you down. Poll is short for ‘bipolar.’” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Tomorrow is Election Day and ‘Late Night’ is officially endorsing Xanax 0.5 milligram, twice a day as needed.” — SETH MEYERS
On “Real Time” on Friday, Bill Maher made one last appeal to undecided voters, or as he called them, “the Christmas Eve shoppers of politics — they know the big day is coming, but they just can’t get themselves to do anything about it until the last minute.”
“The phrase I hear so much that makes me just want to un-alive myself is, ‘How’s she going to help me?’ Like the president is your personal genie. It’s Kamala, not ‘Kazam.’” — BILL MAHER
“And so, dear Christmas Eve voter, I say to you: Things aren’t that bad, but they might get a hell of a lot worse under the rule of a mad king. Do I love everything about Kamala? No. Who told you you get to love everything? Do I wish she came up with a better reason to be president than ‘I’m not Trump’? Yeah, it would have been very helpful. But let’s not forget, ‘I’m not Trump’ is still a really great reason.” — BILL MAHER
“But things look so good for Trump, Democrats have already impeached him.” — GREG GUTFELD
“The Harris campaign is cautioning against getting too excited. Too late! I have to be excited because I’ve only got two other choices: absolute terror or Absolut vodka.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“If you see someone in the fetal position drenched in sweat, they either just ran the New York City Marathon or they’re waiting for tomorrow’s election.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Look, I love this country. I’m an immigrant — I chose to be here. In the words of the late Lee Greenwood, I’m proud to be an American. And I’d argue there is nothing more American than having a healthy adversarial relationship with those in power, even if you voted for them.” — JOHN OLIVER
The Punchiest Punchlines (Hot Mic Edition)
“Former President Trump held a rally on Friday in Wisconsin and appeared to simulate oral sex on a microphone stand. I don’t know if that moves the needle in this election, but he definitely would have become president of my middle school.” — SETH MEYERS
“I was wrong. Evidently, he does have a jobs plan.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“You know a campaign has gone off the rails when you go to watch C-SPAN, and it asks you if you’re over 18.” — JORDAN KLEPPER
“I just had a flashback to trying to turn off Cinemax because I heard my parents coming down the stairs.” — SETH MEYERS
“Here’s how bad that was: After the rally, Rudy tried to get the microphone to sign an N.D.A. just out of habit.” — SETH MEYERS
The Bits Worth Watching
On Saturday’s “Have I Got News For You,” Anthony Scaramucci, who was briefly Trump’s White House communications director, and the comic Sam Jay tried to distinguish facts about Jeff Bezos from lies.
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
Jon Stewart will host a live election-night “Daily Show” special, “Indecision 2024: Nothing We Can Do About It Now.”
Also, Check This Out
Quincy Jones, who died on Sunday, left a profound influence on nearly every genre he touched. Here are 14 essential songs that bore his stamp.
The post Late Night Addresses Your Election Eve Anxiety appeared first on New York Times.
