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Nosy and Nasty
I enjoy my work, but sometimes find myself trapped at lunch with colleagues who are nasty gossips or just too plain nosy for me. It’s all very high school and we’re talking people in their 60s here! Maybe I am old school but I draw a strict line between my work and private life.
One colleague relishes information about people’s private lives, which she repeats at work — truly nasty stuff. I try my best to avoid them, but am sometimes trapped in the lunchroom and am asked pointed questions about my work schedule, etc.
Any advice on a pat response that is cordial but also conveys, “Hey, this isn’t your concern” and also “gross!”? I am just not a sharer but would like to maintain a cordial work atmosphere.
— Anonymous
I also feel sometimes as though “real life” is like high school. Sometimes the personal and professional politics of adulthood bear an uncanny resemblance to the years of mid- to late adolescence. At work, like in secondary school, information is often considered currency, even at the expense of others’ privacy and reputations. And there’s always that one person who asks too many questions — or too many pointed questions — for our own comfort, especially when we have ample evidence that she or he is likely to turn right around and share our answers with others.
As for how to navigate this as an adult, you need to practice both acceptance and disengagement. There will always be some level of intrigue at work — I’ve never been in a workplace without it — but you are under no obligation to actively engage with it. Try to find a good reason to excuse yourself from certain conversations, or work to change the subject. I don’t know that any version of “this isn’t your concern” or “gross!” — however politely it is delivered — will do much good other than to further alienate you from your co-workers, who will no doubt take offense. This goes both for discussions you overhear about others, and those that your work colleague(s) try to jump-start about your own life experiences. (Side note: I don’t find it particularly intrusive that you’re being asked questions about your work schedule, but of course you’re not obligated to respond.)
A Potentially Tricky Situation
I work as a nurse manager at a large hospital. I’ve been in the role only about six months, so I’m still learning how to navigate the very toxic leadership culture of this hospital. I recently brought in a sticker I was very excited to put on the white board by my desk. It says “I had an abortion.” I wanted to put this up for two reasons. One is that I felt a lot of shame when I needed an abortion, but slowly learned how many people I knew had been in the same spot. I’ve been very committed to openly claiming my abortion since then. The other reason is that the nurses who work for me are primarily women, and if/when any of them find themselves facing an unwanted pregnancy, I want them to know this is a safe space.
A few days after I put this sticker up, a leader who is somewhat of a mentor to me advised me to take it down. He said that it was too political and that regardless of my intentions, it would get me into trouble given our political environment and our very reactionary hospital leadership culture.
Is this sticker inappropriate to display as a manager? If someone is offended by this sticker and reports me to the higher-ups, should I then take it down immediately or should I push back and make the case to keep it as a totem of safety to the young women I work with?
— Anonymous
God, what a complicated, fascinating question. I myself have had an abortion, and am a staunch supporter of reproductive rights. The shame that surrounds the termination of a pregnancy is part of what keeps so many women silent about a medical procedure that is very common: One in four American women in her lifetime will undergo an abortion. And my saying this in a public forum, that is, “shouting” my own abortion — to use a phrase coined by three female activists in 2015 to encourage women who’ve had abortions to destigmatize the procedure — is perhaps my own way of committing to openly claiming my own experience.
Question is: Should you do it at work? My initial response was going to be: Don’t do it, mostly for the reasons outlined by your mentor (and the aforementioned “toxic” and “reactionary” work culture).
But I decided to consult with someone who might challenge my gut response, and perhaps offer a different perspective on your dilemma. So I called Renee Bracey Sherman, a longtime activist for reproductive rights, who, in 2016, founded the abortion rights storytelling organization We Testify. (Ms. Bracey Sherman also has a forthcoming book on the subject.)
I believe that it’s important to remember that you shouldn’t do anything that might compromise your job. But if you do choose to take a stance on this issue in the workplace, Ms. Bracey Sherman said, there are a few arguments you could try. First: she suggests pointing out that abortion is a common medical procedure. It’s health care. So, you could argue that your sticker is no different from one that reads, “I had a mastectomy” or “I had breast cancer.” You’re not saying “go get an abortion” — you’re claiming a common experience as your own.
Second: You work in a hospital, one that, although you didn’t say otherwise, may well provide abortions to those who want or need them. It would be different, Ms. Bracey Sherman said, if you worked at a Target or a bank. And so you could make the case that it’s fair game to keep that sticker up in your work space. You might also want to ask for clarification of those who might tell you — overtly or covertly — to take it down, Ms. Bracey Sherman said. (Is abortion health care or not? Is this a service that we provide to our patients proudly or not?)
Last, and perhaps most important, Ms. Bracey Sherman said, you need to figure out what your appetite for potential uneasiness at work is and if the workplace is the right forum for you to take on this fight. And there’s no right or wrong answer. “She should take it as far as she feels comfortable given that this is a job and this is her job” and she needs the income, Ms. Bracey Sherman said.
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