We can hear the siren on the Starbucks logo sobbing, because we’ve moved far beyond the latte and into the realm of the lesser-known pumpkin spice realm. We swam through cinnamon, cardamom, and clove and found the best pumpkin spice products to get you fully engrossed in fall culture… the non-basic way. Put your PSL down—this list of crazy products is gonna need your full attention.
We may have already passed peak pumpkin spice—after all, pumpkin spice SPAM hasn’t been sold for the past few years, and sadly, Martha Stewart’s PSL CBD gummies appear to be history. But we still rounded up all the weirdest and worst pumpkin spice products available today. There’s deodorant that reminds us of the farmer’s market upstate, oil for rubbing down your one-night stand, and many other bizarre products that go far, far beyond pumpkin pie, well into the unmistakable realm of “pumpkin why.” One thing’s for sure: these products are anything but basic.
Quick look at the weirdest pumpkin spice products
- 4/20 on Halloween – King Palm Pumpkin Cream Pre-roll Papers
- Pits you’d wanna smell – Native Pumpkin Spice Latte Deodorant
- It’s OK if you want to be vanilla – Eclectic Lady Pumpkin Spice Massage Oil
- For the bestest boy or girl – Bodhi Pumpkin Spice Dog Cologne
- Mmm… Muenster Pumpkin Spice Meatballs for Dogs
- Make your pores festive – Peter Roth Pumpkin Enzyme Mask
- Damage control – Pumpkin Spice Poo-Pourri
- Suck on this – Xero Pumpkin-Flavored Toothpicks
- Worst and wiped out – Pumpkin Spice Dude Wipes
- Chews at your own risk – Simply Pumpkin Spice Chewing Gum
How we evaluated
Craziness. Loopiness. Whatever you call it, the higher a product ranked on a “Well, how high was the person who invented THIS?” scale, the higher we ranked it, too. Then there’s usefulness. Yes, we have a rational side (that we try our best to hide). Something that serves some sort of function helps you rationalize a purchase, and we all love rationalization. Last, we paid attention to customer reviews. If something is supposed to smell like pumpkin spice and instead has the neighbors calling the police for a wellness check, then there’s no way we’re going to recommend it.
4/20 on Halloween – King Palm Pumpkin Cream Pre-roll Papers
King Palm Pumpkin Cream Pre-Roll Papers
While Martha Stewart’s PSL CBD gummies are sadly discontinued, you can still get your pumpkin-spiced cannabis fix elsewhere, such as with these King Palm Pumpkin Cream Pre-roll papers. I was actually looking for pumpkin spice blunt wraps, and I thought these seemed cooler—they’re all-natural cones made from palm leaf, ready to stuff with your favorite flower and blaze your way to autumnal bliss.
Reviewer Dan H raves that “Simply put, these things take your sessions to a whole different level of flavour and of course laughs,” with Liz Booth adding, “Taste so good!! We loved these out here in Colorado.”
Pits you’d wanna smell – Native Pumpkin Spice Latte Deodorant
Native Pumpkin Spice Latte Deodorant
Unfortunately, our consumption of lattes doesn’t magically make us smell amazing. But what if we slather on Native’s PSL deodorant…? The verdict says yes, with its 4.6 star rating on Walmart. Native is already one of the best natural deodorant brands in the pit game, so there’s no reason not to give this go and put your Old Spice in seasonal storage.
it’s OK if you want to be vanilla – Eclectic Lady Pumpkin Spice Massage Oil
Eclectic Lady Pumpkin Spice Massage Oil
Sex during spooky season should be as freaky as they come (no pun intended), but we’re deeming it okay to be rubbed down with the most (metaphorically) vanilla of scents while boning with this pumpkin spice massage oil. Glide your fingers all over your bae with a blend of sweet almond oil, soybean oil, and the enticing scent of warming pie spices for some much needed aromatherapy.
For the bestest boy or girl – Bodhi Pumpkin Spice Dog Cologne
Bodhi Pumpkin Spice Dog Cologne
Dogs rule. Anyone who says they stink figuratively is suspect. Anyone who says they stink literally, though, has a damn good point. Now you can spritz your stinky baby with the festive fall scents of cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice, and clove. Just wait for your friends to show up with their Starbucks orders. “Oh yeah? You’ve got your pumpkin spice latte? Well I’ve got a pumpkin spiced dog.”
Mmm… – Muenster Pumpkin SPice Meatballs for Dogs
Muenster Pumpkin Spice Meatballs for Dogs
Rover is sure to get hungry once he’s doused in pumpkin spice dog cologne. Make sure you feed him so he doesn’t chew his own deliciously-scented leg off. Might I suggest these (gags) freeze-dried Pumpkin Spice dog meatballs?
While, yes, that is quite possibly one of the most disgusting combination of words in the English language, dogs typically do have, ahem, unusual taste. Muenster is a great brand, though, known for whipping up super premium dog food, and reviewers say their furry freaks can’t get enough of these meatballs. Wash ’em down with a Busch Dog Brew (pumpkin spice flavor VERY sadly discontinued).
Make your pores festive – Peter Roth Pumpkin Enzyme Mask
Peter Roth Pumpkin Enzyme Mask
Pumpkins can do more than flavor your (dog) beer. The enzyme-rich gourd is a workhorse in skincare— this super-popular pumpkin face mask by Peter Thomas Roth is a skin resurfacer that exfoliates, peels, and polishes a dull and aging complexion—very on-brand for Halloween.
And just because it’s a pumpkin spice product doesn’t mean it’s merely a novelty. Reviewers rave about this premium skincare product, with reviewer Amanda saying, “It smells AMAZING, just like pumpkin and fall and after I used it my face is so soft and glowing. Buy it!”
Damage control – Pumpkin Spice PoO-pourri
Look, everybody poops, as the age-old, classic children’s book taught us. That doesn’t mean it’s not still eminently embarrassing when leaving the bathroom feels more like fleeing the scene of a crime. One shot of this bathroom spray will cover up the damage—and customers love how it smells—allowing you to make a clean getaway.
Pick something else – Xero Pumpkin-Flavored Toothpicks
Xero Pumpkin-Flavored Toothpicks
Customers are split on these, depending on whatever flavor they’ve chosen, but they point out that these toothpicks aren’t infused with flavor so much as they’re dipped in powder, which only lasts five to 10 minutes before disappearing.
These are sold as a nicotine-free anti-smoking remedy, but we couldn’t find much from customers about the toothpicks helping them quit smoking, only that they provide a substitute oral fixation. But that’s okay, because you’re here to satisfy a much stronger craving—your pumpkin spice fix—and these will satisfy that in spades.
worst and Wiped out – Pumpkin Spice Dude Wipes
Pumpkin spice toilet paper is so 2022.
Introducing the most cursed flavor (scent?) of one of the most torched hygiene products ever to be conceived by cynical marketing agencies. Behold: the sickening glory of Pumpkin Dumpkin Spice Dude Wipes.
Usually you want your nether regions to smell fresh and, well, not like a the seasoning used on a gourd that somebody dug out of the ground. But, then again, is it really so strange to want somebody who may be close to your border zone to get a whiff and think, “Smells like muffins”?
Chews at your own risk – Simply Pumpkin Spice Chewing Gum
Simply Pumpkin Spice Chewing Gum
Sick of mint? Lamenting the discontinuation of Fruit Stripe gum? Nothing says autumn like expelling clouds of pumpkin-spiced scent everywhere you go like a festive Thomas the Tank Engine making sure that nobody can escape the seasonal pumpkin spice craze, no matter where they are.
May the Great Pumpkin save us all.
This post was updated 9/23/2024.
The post The 10 Weirdest Pumpkin Spice Products You Can Buy This Fall appeared first on VICE.
The post The 10 Weirdest Pumpkin Spice Products You Can Buy This Fall appeared first on VICE.
