My mother has late-stage dementia. I handle her finances, which includes making annual donations in her name. One of the aides who cares for her has asked me to make a donation to the aide’s church. I said I would, but when I looked up the church I saw that they will not perform same-sex weddings and that they believe homosexuality is a sin. As a gay man, I won’t support any organization that doesn’t support me. While my mother’s money is not mine, is it wrong of me to deny her aide’s request? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Your job, as a trustee, is to represent your mother’s values and interests. In general, you should use her money to support causes you think she would want to support, at least within reasonable bounds. Before her current condition, you could have discussed the matter with her, expressing your deep personal misgivings. Sadly, you’ll have to proceed without consultation. If you’re uncertain whether she would have wanted to make the donation, you’re free to have second thoughts and decline to add to the church’s collection plate. If you’re certain she would have wanted to make the donation anyway, you should do so, as an expression not of your values but hers.
It isn’t enough to have ethical objections to a prospective beneficiary: A number of contentious issues divide our society, such that people on either side have ethical objections to the other. I’m not saying that any donation is OK; I am saying that, unless you stick to a very minimal notion of what’s morally acceptable, you may simply be supplanting her views with yours, and to your credit, you’re clearly worried about doing so.
There are other considerations. A church with backward views about homosexuality could also be making many positive contributions. It may even insist, like the official Roman Catholic Church — which has more than 50 million members in this country — that its members should treat people who have what their catechism calls ‘‘deep-seated homosexual tendencies’’ with ‘‘respect, compassion and sensitivity.’’ Pope Francis, whatever his frailties, has backed civil unions and condemned laws criminalizing gay sex.
Supporting an organization isn’t supporting every one of its policies. According to a 2023 survey, more than two-thirds of Catholics in the United States support same-sex marriage. And surely most of us think that the political party we support is wrong about some things, including some important things.
A further consideration has to do with your relationship, and your mother’s, to this aide. Here’s someone who spends her days caring for your mother. Whatever you finally decide, she shouldn’t be left to feel that she has been treated in an uncaring way herself.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who was deeply disturbed by the unpredictable behavior of a friend’s husband. She wrote: “I’m in my mid-60s and part of a childless friend group whose members depend on one another. One friend, who lives hours away, is married to a man with severe mental-health issues — bipolar disorder and escalating paranoia. … His paranoia is extreme. He believes a former employee of his has hacked into his life and is somehow controlling him. … Though he uses a cane, he’s strong and quick to anger. He’s spoken of killing his hacker and recently said he would kill his wife too if she colluded with this person. … But she’s afraid to leave him. I fear for her safety and, increasingly, my own. I’ve considered reporting his threats, but no crime has been committed. I feel helpless watching this situation deteriorate. What ethically can I do to protect my friend and myself?”
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “Given these grim circumstances, you might encourage your friend to come up with a safety plan if things should escalate: a go bag, a friend’s house nearby where she can find refuge, a means of getting there. If you think he may turn on you, you should do the same. Assuming he won’t submit to treatment, I also hope that she’ll explore ways to separate her life from his without putting herself at further risk. It’s helpful that she seems not to be economically dependent on her husband, which removes one of the usual barriers to leaving, and she clearly recognizes him as dangerous. Roughly half of female homicide victims, it’s been estimated, are killed by a spouse or intimate partner. We’re rightly concerned about restricting the rights of individuals. But when you stay with somebody out of fear, you yourself have become a captive.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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Based on the letter writer’s personal experiences with this man, she should complete the online MOSAIC threat assessment questionnaire, which can give her the research-based likelihood of him becoming physically violent. She might also take her friend out to lunch and ask her to complete the same questionnaire. That will give both of them something more concrete than “feeling” that he may become violent. — Laurie
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A close friend has a sister who let her bipolar adult son live with her despite numerous physical threats and multiple physically violent episodes. He refused to stay on his meds, and she refused to acknowledge the danger. He finally tried to kill her, nearly succeeding. He is awaiting trial; she is permanently incapacitated. If someone says they are going to harm you, take it seriously, even if it is a family member. — Jennifer
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Please reach out to NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They will help educate the letter writer’s friend, offer guidance on services and support both of them. — Kathie
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The letter writer may find it helpful to discuss contacting her state’s adult protective services agency. The homicide threat is a reason to involve them. An attorney may also have some advice about how best to involve the agency. Also, the agency may have some advice for the letter writer and her friend about care options for the husband, who is obviously impaired. Our taxes support these services and they are there to help. — Peaches
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There’s no mention of access to firearms in the column, but any and all should be locked up or removed from the reach of the husband. It’s for his own safety as well as everyone else’s. — Stuart
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I do not know what state the correspondent lives in. In the state where I practiced criminal law and became a judge, threatening to kill someone was an aggravated misdemeanor. Filing charges in what is a really domestic-abuse case would have resulted in his incarceration at least until he could see a judge. That would give his wife an opportunity to escape this situation. And escape she should. These kinds of dangerous situations do not de-escalate themselves. Her first step to insure her safety would be to consult an attorney posthaste. — Joe
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I would add to the Ethicist’s good advice a suggestion for the letter writer to engage another trusted friend in her safety plan, someone who her friend’s husband will not know or automatically think of. If his mental health deteriorates to the point where he becomes a direct threat to his wife, the letter writer will almost certainly be the first one he thinks of if the wife leaves. Not only should the letter writer and her friend prepare a go bag, but the letter writer should have it stored at this third person’s home in advance. I would also advise the wife to consult a local domestic violence shelter or service. These resources can outline and help her consider safety plans. No one is obligated to live in constant fear of being harmed or murdered out of fealty to wedding vows. — Beth
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The letter writer should also be aware of the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233), which can connect people to emergency shelters and provide counseling and advice in advance of a situation deteriorating further. — Samuel
The post I Handle My Mother’s Money. Must I Donate to a Church I Disapprove of? appeared first on New York Times.
