When “The Golden Bachelorette” premieres next week, the latest reality TV spinoff in the long-running “Bachelor” franchise will once again be selling a fantasy.
Joan Vassos, a charming 61-year-old school administrator and grandmother, will spend weeks in exotic locales sifting through two dozen eager suitors — each vying for her affection.
In the real world, however, many women say dating in their golden years is reminiscent of another Hollywood franchise altogether.
“I would describe it as the romantic, geriatric ‘Hunger Games’ from hell,” said Anne Vitiello, a 60-year-old single woman from New York.
Ms. Vitiello’s recent dating history has certainly been full of challenges. Would-be scammers targeting older women are simply a fact of life on the dating apps, she said, as are the men who’ve made her feel like dating a woman in her 60s is an act of generosity.
There was the somewhat cranky boyfriend who tried to push her buttons by asking when Ms. Vitiello thought Drew, her beloved Maine coon cat, was likely to die. And the longtime friend who hoped to become her lover — but neglected to mention he was still seeing his girlfriend.
“It’s exhausting,” Ms. Vitiello said. “It’s like panning for gold in a sewer.”
Of course, there’s no way to encapsulate the dating experiences of millions of older women in a single season. Still, there is evidence that the dating scene for straight women in their 60s and beyond may be particularly bleak.
According to the Pew Research Center, women 50 and older are more likely than younger daters — and their male contemporaries — to say their online dating experiences have been somewhat or very negative. And, in general, older singles are less likely than younger ones to say they are actively looking to date or find love — perhaps because they are happy being single, or because it is simply not worth the hassle.
Liberated From Old Baggage
Erin McMaugh Tierno, a licensed clinical social worker whose therapy practice specializes in dating and relationships, said many of the older women she worked with had been through the wringer — perhaps they had divorced after decades in an unfulfilling marriage or grieved the death of a partner. Some were getting to know themselves better and embracing singlehood in the wake of tough life experiences, she added.
“Women are finding themselves really liberated in a lot of ways from old baggage,” said Ms. McMaugh Tierno. Yet many of the clients she sees lament that the men they are meeting are not doing the same level of work on themselves. Specifically, many of her clients are better at setting boundaries, she said, and feel a new sense of sexual confidence. They are unwilling to settle for relationships that do not excite or fulfill them.
That’s true for Catherine Boyle, 61, from Cleveland, who has been divorced twice and has spent a lot of time thinking about the dating experiences of people over 50. She even decided to start a podcast about the topic last year, along with a friend.
She goes to therapy and meditates, at one point attending a 12-day silent meditation retreat. More and more, she is simply focused on “really enjoying and getting the most out of the life that I have,” she said.
And having re-established her financial independence after two “expensive divorces,” she is particularly wary of entangling her finances with anyone again, as she hopes to retire within the next decade or so.
Ms. Boyle said she was wary of becoming “a nurse with a purse” — a common refrain from older female daters who are reluctant to become caretakers again after having spent years raising children or tending to ailing spouses and parents, tasks that fall disproportionately on women’s shoulders.
Ms. Vitiello certainly had that experience. Several years back, a friendly ex suggested he and Ms. Vitiello reconcile after he was diagnosed with cancer. She helped him and spent time with him, but suggested they wait until he was in remission to make any romantic decisions. “Sure enough, he wasn’t sure about us once he realized he was going to be OK,” she said.
The Courage to Try Again
Of course, looking for love as a senior is not all thorns. A few years ago, Ms. Vitiello fell in love for the first time in years — with a kind, thoughtful professor who supported her career and whom she pictured herself growing old with, she said.
“The tragic irony is I kept him a secret for the longest time, because I didn’t want another failure,” she said. “I didn’t want to tell my friends and family about another thing that didn’t work out.”
Last summer, they were finally getting ready to open up about their relationship and introduce each other to their friends, children and extended family. But then Ms. Vitiello’s boyfriend started losing weight and developed a persistent sore throat.
“It was a very aggressive cancer,” she said, “and he died on the day after Christmas.”
Ms. Vitiello said that despite everything she had been through, she had not given up on love. “I do still believe it can happen, however irrationally optimistic that may sound,” she said.
And some older women are having more fun than ever on the dating scene, simply because they have the wisdom to know what they want — and that might not include a serious relationship.
“I’m not looking to get married,” said Tia-Maria Smith, a 60-year-old from Harrisburg, Pa., who has never been married or had children. “I’m not looking to live with anyone. I’m looking for what I call a ‘pleasure-ship,’ meaning it’s about having fun. It’s about companionship.”
In recent years, Ms. Smith has dated men as young as 25 and as old as 70. Recently, she has been seeing a 37-year-old. She did not necessarily set out to date younger men, though she found the dating pool in her area to be small, particularly as an older Black woman, she said.
But while maintaining an open mind about age has helped her find more matches, having clarity about her needs and boundaries has helped her avoid much of the disappointment and disillusionment that some older daters experience.
“I always sort of marched to my own drum,” said Ms. Smith, and that tendency has solidified with age. “You know, once you hit your 50s, you don’t care what other people think.”
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