Streaming is a dying business. While David Zaslav and Bob Iger crawl towards any competitive stance against Netflix, and Shari Redstone fights for a Paramount get-out-of-jail-free card, streaming entertainment is not looking as lucrative as imagined in the 2010s. Still, two companies are reportedly expanding their streaming capabilities. One is Trump Media (yes, of TruthSocial and meme stock fame). The other, surprisingly, is Chick-fil-A.
The fast food retailer has a two-part brand identity: Irresistibly delicious, and irrefutably homophobic. While the company has since halted its contributions to anti-LGBTQ+ charities, there’s still a slew of stories connecting Chick-fil-A to homophobic rhetoric and action. Most recently, former CEO Dan Cathy was linked to the National Christian Charitable Foundation, the organization that killed the Equality Act.
So, what would a Chick-fil-A streamer look like? Here are 10 pitches for content. Chick-fil-A, if you want any of these, I expect a commission.
Fellow Travelers, but from McCarthy’s point of view.
In this version, Matt Bomer and Jonathan Bailey aren’t the heroes of Fellow Travelers, with their fighting off McCarthyism and the push-out of queer people in public service. No, the hero is Joseph McCarthy, that warrior of the culture wars. Chick-fil-A would likely have to change the infamous “drink your milk” tagline. Perhaps, “eat your nuggets.”
House of Gucci? House of Cathy.
There’s a sort of Christianized Succession drama inside Chick-fil-A’s inner team. S. Truett Cathy, who called the Bible his guidebook for life, gave the company to his son Dan in 2013. Dan, who openly expressed his hatred for gay marriage, gave the company to his son Andrew. Someone get Lady Gaga a bald cap.
Red, White, and Royal Blue, but it’s the love story of Jared and Ivanka.
That glint in Nicholas Galitzine’s eyes during the RW&RB sex scene? Not Chick-fil-A approved. Instead, let’s change the title: Red, White, and Money Green. It’s the sweeping love story of Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump. Keep the political intrigue, add some true crime-style family convictions, and nix the lovestruck twinks.
Inventing Anna Paulina Luna.
Florida representative Anna Paulina Luna has some familiarity with Christian content—after all, she did write election denialism into her children’s book. Perhaps she could be due for a Shonda Rhimes-style dramatization? Still, she might have some issues with Chick-fil-A; in 2023, she asked for them to remove DEI (and MSG) from their operations.
Reboot The Real Housewives of Dallas.
Nobody seems more in line with Chick-fil-A’s values than Kameron Westcott.
Emily in Paris? No, Emily in Texas.
Sending Lily Collins to taste-test baguettes and butcher the French language is a cute but flavorless idea. It lacks some grit; Why not send her to Texas? Imagine: Emily goes to work for the Fredericksburg branch of Savoir, buying herself a pair of cowboy boots to fit in. When she gets hungry, Emily can munch down on a chicken sandwich at one of the state’s 495 locations.
Saltburn, but Barry Keoghan slurps Chick-fil-A sauce from the bathtub.
Chick-fil-A wouldn’t deign to endorse some homoerotic murderism, with a cum-guzzling Barry Keoghan fantasizing over the wealth and stature of Jacob Elordi. No, they’d need to replace that bathtub discharge with something more tasteful, like their signature sauce. Maybe then we’d have Chick-fil-A sauce bath bombs.
Any Given Sunday, but about their door policy.
The little-remembered sports flick likely wouldn’t be able to pull Al Pacino, Cameron Diaz, Dennis Quaid, Jaime Foxx, and LL Cool J back together for a Chick-fil-A remake. Still, the film has an important message to tell: On any given Sunday, you will be deprived of an 8-count nuggets with waffle fries and a cookie.
The Prom, but they’re actually just having a great straight prom (and keep James Corden).
For The Prom to make it on Chick-fil-A streamers, they’d certainly have to cut down the gay storyline. Those queer women at the center of the story? Axed. Now it’s a simple tale of promposals and corsages, with no protests or backlash. Oh, and you can keep James Corden as the gay one; it oddly seems like Chick-fil-A would be into that.
Hillbilly Elegy, and keep it all the same.
Seems self-explanatory.
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