My husband and I grew up in the 1980s, when getting a nose job was not uncommon in our social circles. My husband had one. Our daughter is 12, and she has her father’s original nose. Lately, she’s told us that she doesn’t love her nose and that it’s unlike anyone else’s in the family. My husband wants to tell her about his surgery — with the proviso that he would make a different choice today. But I think he should keep it to himself. I don’t see how sharing this information would help our daughter, and it may harm her. Still, I know this is my husband’s story to tell. Thoughts?
MOTHER
You and your husband are the best arbiters of what to tell your daughter — and when she is ready to hear it. From your letter, though, it’s clear that while your daughter may be a child, she is no fool: She has already figured out that something is going on with noses in your family.
In my experience, the truth comes out eventually: She may discover an old photograph of your husband, or his parents may let it slip. And now that she has raised the issue obliquely, she should probably hear the story from her father. Any other approach risks making her feel that you’ve been dishonest with her when she learns the truth. You don’t have to tell her tomorrow, but plan to tell her soon.
And when you do, try to avoid being judgmental about cosmetic surgery. You and your daughter may have rich and productive conversations for years about nose jobs and, more important, the insecurity that she may feel about her looks. Nothing good will come from shutting down those talks by taking hard-line positions. Try to stay open to your daughter’s feelings. (And remember: She is still several years away from being medically eligible for rhinoplasty — if that’s even where she tries to take the discussion.)
Once a Month, Bracing for a Gross Get-Together
My partner has 12 siblings and complicated family dynamics. When we visit once a month, we stay with one particular brother “to keep the peace,” as my partner puts it. Unfortunately, his brother’s house is filthy: rotting food, unwashed dishes, years of dust, hair and dirt in the bathroom. I can hardly bring myself to touch anything. The family lives in a rural area; the nearest hotel is 30 miles away. My partner and I have had several arguments about staying there, but we haven’t gotten anywhere. He has no problem staying, and he gets upset when I object. I want to attend family events. Do I have to buy a camper van to sleep in?
GIRLFRIEND
I certainly understand your feelings. It also seems unlikely to me that “keeping the peace” hinges on where you stay every month. (No one I know is clamoring for houseguests.) Still, that is apparently what your partner believes. He is also telling you — implicitly — that he is willing to sacrifice some peace in his relationship with you for the sake of maintaining it with his brother. That’s noteworthy.
So, on to your choices: You can stay home when your partner visits his family or make your own arrangements with another sibling or at the faraway hotel. (I assume you’re joking about the camper van.) But there isn’t much point in rehashing this argument. You and your partner disagree. So look after yourself — but understand that this issue may be loaded for him. Maybe you can ask him why that is?
There’s More to Me Than My Cooking
Several of my friends live in a house where the residents share responsibilities and make decisions communally. I socialize there and volunteer my labor occasionally, including cooking shared meals. When a bedroom opened up, I expressed interest in moving in. My friends responded positively, but another resident took me aside and listed all the reasons she was against it. She suggested that I move nearby instead, so I could cook for them more often. I left in tears and haven’t been back since. My friends think I should patch things up with her. Is that my responsibility?
A.
I think your friends may have taken the shortsighted view that if you smooth things over with this woman, it may make it easier for you to hang out at the house. But why would you want to be around a person who hurt your feelings and told you — among her other objections to your moving in — that she values you only for your cooking? In your place, I would not want to investigate her opinions any further. I would leave this alone.
It’s Your Special Day! Now Pipe Down.
I offered to host a baby shower for a close friend. I am perfectly capable of putting on a delightful shower. But the mother-to-be is inundating me with cocktail and menu ideas. She even invited me to a Pinterest board called “Baby Shower.” All this strikes me as controlling and ungrateful, since I am paying for everything. Should I accept her input or tell her gently to back off?
HOST
I receive a steady stream of letters about overzealous guests of honor of baby (and bridal) showers. I know it’s annoying, but try to be patient. This party is a big deal for your friend. If you like her ideas, incorporate them. But don’t be shy about saying: “I’ve got this! It’s going to be a great party, and your only job is to enjoy it.”
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