Gather ‘round. Let’s have our yearly discussion about the beautifully tragic franchise known as The (Golden) Bachelor(ette) (in Paradise).
This week, the new cast for The Golden Bachelorette was revealed, featuring 24 men vying for the heart of 61-year-old Joan Vassos. If you’re asking, “Is The Bachelor on?” the answer is, “Yes, you fool. People love a train wreck.” And The Golden Bachelor-arm of the franchise is even better than the original because it still gives us a possible happy ending with adorable, albeit hot, old people, while subverting the expectation that grandpas are somehow more chaste or moral than 20-something hard bodies.
After the long-running dating franchise seemingly reinvented itself last year with a new venture by the name of The Golden Bachelor, featuring an impossibly lovely 72-year-old man by the name of Gerry Turner, the newest iteration did what every good season of The Bachelor does: implodes.
Gerry was revealed to be a septuagenarian fuckboi who, despite saying he hadn’t dated following the death of his wife, allegedly had a girlfriend a month after her passing. There also might be some questionable stuff about Venmo-ing his dates and asking them to go Dutch on dinner after the fact? Long story short, Gerry and his final choice Teresa were divorced within a year of their nuptials and Gerry is just like the guy you dated in college, but with grandkids. Following the scandal, instead of scrapping the series, ABC said, “Let’s do it all again, but with a whole crop of daddies.” Let’s celebrate that.
Below, we’ve compiled The Golden Bachelorette’s 10 cutest grandpas, retirees, and men of a certain age. Long may they reign—truly, because the alternative is kind of dark.
Pascal, 69
French! Foodie! 69! Three words that conjure up a certain stirring of the loins that makes women of all ages say “I’ll have what he’s serving!” He is, perhaps, the most attractive of the lot, but the clear downside to this salon owner living in Chicago is that producers are going to absolutely beat the hell out of viewers with incessant French references, which will be—as we say in the business—tres, tres annoying.
Christopher, 64
Are you joking me? Christopher is a certified fox who looks younger than me, despite my being half his age. He’s a grandfather who “loves owning a construction company.” Not sure what that says about his personality that his bio led with that, but fine. He also loves cooking healthy meals and exercising, which is perhaps why he’s aged better than me.
Chock, 60
First off, Chock is an insane name. The best I can explain it is that it seems to be a typo from his Christian name, Charles, but was never fixed. That said, Chock has a lot of other adorable things going for him like a black lab named Super Tubbs, his children, and being a fan of the Chiefs, which by extension, makes him a Swiftie. He also looks great in a tee shirt, which is not as universal of a quality as one might think!
Guy, 66
Does Guy’s bio say much? No. He’s been an ER doctor for 40 years, and he has four kids and an undisclosed number of grandchildren. That’s kind of it. But when you’re a hot doctor at 66, that kind of does the heavy lifting for you. Page someone from Grey’s Anatomy—one of the cuties is loose.
Jonathan, 61
Jonathan is why god made cream colored cable knit sweaters. I mean, look at this guy. Though I have no idea what a “materials specialist” is, it seems like he’s just a nice guy looking for love. He has a dog, a cat, and a rabbit (deal breaker for me, but some people love that). He also says his two kids are his number one priority, and that’s always going to warm a heart or two.
Kim, 69
Kim is a retired naval captain, which is objectively a hot job. He also vaguely reminds me of Captain Lee from Below Deck (complimentary). Because television and film stereotypes have rotted my brain, I immediately take pause because I’m afraid Kim might come in and be too hard on my kids, due to his military background, but he’s past kids age, so the point is moot. Kim also looks great in a polo.
Mark, 57
Oh wow! Kelsey’s dad from Joey’s season is now in the franchise himself. Way to keep it in the family, ABC. Mark is a former army vet who came to realize, after watching the first season, that he’s not alone in his grief!! Someone get this man someone to love ASAP. This is far and away a favorite this season. If Joan doesn’t choose him, he has a whole season lined up. Bet.
Pablo, 63
Ok, Pablo is going to get his heart broken because I love him too much already. First off, he has something that I can’t explain other than by saying he has a “little face with little glasses.” Obsessed. He also loves sitcoms and rom coms. If that weren’t enough, he runs ultramarathons (insane) and volunteers as an EMT (not insane, but QUITE the hobby). Pablo is a good man.
Jordan, 61
I don’t understand Jordan for several reasons. (1) Never met someone under the age of 50 named Jordan. Not ageist. Just my experience. (2) Jordan has gray hair, but something about him makes me think he’s, at most, 40? (3) Damn, he makes a leather jacket look correct. That said, the sales manager from Chicago chose Lou Malnati’s as his favorite deep dish, which feels a bit on the nose.
Jack, 68
Uh oh! We have a chef! Already calling that this little cutie will be deeply underrated. This retired chef went on a solo trip to Italy last year, where he realized he just wants someone to travel the world with. What a precious angel.
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