My sister Dinah recently told me about an unusual way that she made friends after her divorce. Her youngest was starting her college search, and Dinah was nostalgic for when her children were small. So she started babysitting for a family with toddlers.
“I have this lovely family in my life,” she said. “I also talk with parents at school pickups, just like I did with my kids. It’s a whole new circle of people I’d never normally meet.”
Many of us crave more friendship and community, and stacks of evidence show how important these are to our health. But it can be hard to know where to begin. So, I asked experts what actually works.
Start with an exercise.
Danielle Bayard Jackson, a friendship coach and the author of “Fighting for Our Friendships,” has clients start by listing as many answers as they can think of to this prompt: “I am _____.”
A small portion of the answers I might fill in would be: a mom, a gardener, a baker, a book lover.
Then Jackson asks her clients if they are plugged into communities that reflect those parts of their identities. If not, she said, now they know where to focus their energies, whether it’s on those who share their faith, their love of art or their cultural background.
Become a regular.
The more you show up somewhere people gather — a class, a park — the more opportunities there are to create a connection, said Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas.
There are several reasons why, he said. One is what’s known as the mere exposure effect, Dr. Hall said, in which “we tend to regard familiar faces more positively, which reduces our reluctance to talk and increases our willingness to chat someone up.”
Once you have a shared point of reference, Dr. Hall added, you have “something to talk about and a reason to do so.” That puts you on a natural path toward friendship.
Start with some easy small talk, Jackson said: “I know people roll their eyes, but small talk leads to big talk.”
Get closer to your neighbors.
To meet your neighbors, try doing them small kindnesses, said Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a professor of psychology and neuroscience and the director of the Social Connection and Health Lab at Brigham Young University.
Compliment their gardening skills, or offer to bring in their trash bins. Why? Dr. Holt-Lunstad’s research has found that these acts can encourage conversations and reduce feelings of loneliness.
And if there is an event in your community like a neighborhood cleanup or a block party, show up early and offer to help set up, Jackson suggested. The group will be smaller, and you’ll have tasks to do, so you won’t feel awkward, she said.
Join a group.
Pushing yourself to be more social, said Dr. Holt-Lunstad, is like exercise: Even if you know it’s good for you, it can be uncomfortable.
Luckily, many places go out of their way to welcome solo people. Volunteer at a community garden, or try a board game café, suggested Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert. If you’re an animal lover, dog and cat rescue organizations are often eager for new members.
Or join a choir, Dr. Kirmayer added. Research suggests that singing in a group cements social bonding, and engaging with music can help reduce feelings of loneliness.
Dr. Kirmayer has also recommended Toastmasters International, a nonprofit that teaches public speaking. It helps members strengthen their confidence and communication skills in a supportive environment, she said. With over 14,000 chapters, it’s easy to find one near you.
Dare to reach out.
An easy way to practice conversing with someone you don’t know is to volunteer with the AARP’s Friendly Voice program and chat with a senior (or, if you’d rather receive a call, you can request the service).
Dr. Holt-Lunstad also recommended reflecting on the people who have helped you in your life: a coach, a teacher, a neighbor. If they are still around, contact them and tell them how they helped you. Maybe it will lead to a deeper bond, Dr. Holt-Lunstad said.
I did this with my fourth-grade teacher, who made a big difference in my life. I found her address and sent her a note, via snail mail so she wouldn’t feel pressure to respond.
She immediately wrote back. Now she has become a surrogate grandmother to me — and it all started with a letter.
Here’s what to know about ultraprocessed foods and brain health.
Several studies published in the past few years have found an association between eating more ultraprocessed foods and cognitive decline — including recent research linking ultraprocessed food to a greater risk of developing dementia. Experts discuss how these foods affect the brain.
Read the article: Do Ultraprocessed Foods Harm Your Brain?
It’s OK if you don’t love exercise — but you can train your body and mind to enjoy it more.
Some people emerge from a workout feeling high on life; others feel worn out. A few changes to your workout can make exercise more pleasurable.
Read the article: How to Optimize Your Workout to Boost Your Mood
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