Imagine telling your partner a story.
You’re just getting to the good part — the crazy thing your boss said, or the irresistible face the dog made — when you realize he is staring at his phone.
Your first instinct might be to pout or get indignant. Or you might try a more therapized tack.
“I feel frustrated,” this enlightened version of you would say, “when you look at your phone while I’m talking to you.”
Congratulations! You have successfully deployed an “I statement” — a communication tool beloved by many couples counselors, who recommend it to clients to help curb defensiveness, have more fruitful discussions and, yes, fight better.
Therapists know the advice is a bit … cringe. Jessica Grogan, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Austin, said that when she talks to her clients about the merits of “I statements,” she braces for eye rolls.
“I know this is a therapist cliché,” she said with a laugh. But if you believe, as Dr. Grogan does, that relationships are ongoing negotiations, then “the best way to do that is with ‘I statements,’” she said.
Here’s how they work.
What an I statement is (and isn’t)
The basic recipe for an “I statement” is: I feel X when Y happens, explained Tracy Dalgleish, a psychologist based in Ottawa who works with couples.
But if you are simply tacking the phrase “I feel like” onto a criticism or observation about your partner’s behavior (for example, “I feel like you are being a jerk when you leave dishes in the sink”), that is not a true “I statement,” she said.
“I always remind people that when we make statements like, ‘I feel like you never,’ or ‘I feel like you’re not listening,’ those aren’t feelings,” Dr. Dalgleish said. Check whether you are using the phrase as a preamble to a perception or assumption, rather than an actual emotion.
Couples counselors say there are variations on the “I statement.” There’s the “XYZ statement,” which is essentially: “I felt X when you did Y in Z situation,” explained Galena Rhoades, a clinical psychologist, research professor at the University of Denver.
Therapists trained in the Gottman Method (created by the renowned psychologists and love researchers John and Julie Gottman) often recommend the so-called “softened startup.” Basically, you say how you feel. You describe what is happening. And you finish by saying what you need, explained Carrie Cole, director of research at the Gottman Institute.
Likewise, Dr. Dalgleish often encourages couples to close out an “I statement” with what they need. For example, “I feel alone when you’re on your phone,” she said. “And something I’ve been thinking about is: I really need your undivided attention while we’re eating dinner.”
Why ‘I statements’ work
Dr. Dalgleish believes “I statements” can help with our primitive brain response to fear or danger. When someone leads with “you” and an accusation, that can feel threatening, she said. “The nervous system says, ‘Danger! Danger! Go into fight or flight mode!’ And that person immediately stops listening.”
In Dr. Grogan’s experience, even the most skeptical couples eventually come around to trying “I statements,” though they might sound clunky or forced. Many of the couples she sees feel exhausted by having the same arguments over and over again, and are eager to find a way to communicate with greater respect and less defensiveness.
If nothing else, “I statements” help you focus on what is within your control, Dr. Dalgleish often reminds her clients. “We have power and choice and agency over how we choose to communicate,” she said. “We don’t get to control how somebody responds.”
Practice makes … better
Dr. Cole acknowledged that while an “I statement” sounds simple in theory, it can be difficult to deploy when your partner is doing something that drives you bonkers.
“It does not roll trippingly off the tongue like, ‘You leave your crap everywhere’ does,” she said. “I statements” require forethought and repeated practice, she said, noting that she has been married for nearly three decades. And it took her years to get really good at communicating this way.
And even couples counselors who are staunch proponents of the technique acknowledge it has limits. There is no guarantee your partner will agree to meet your need simply because you made a good-faith effort to communicate in a more constructive way.
It is better to think of “I statements” as just one tool that can help couples, Dr. Dalgleish said, adding that timing is also important. You probably won’t have much success using them when your partner is preoccupied with a work deadline, a frantic toddler or is hungry or tired, she added.
Which ties into another cliché of couples therapy: Pick your battles.
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