This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Uday Padyana, a mid-30s manager at a Big Tech company in Silicon Valley. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
When I first arrived in Silicon Valley in 2013 after relocating from India in my 20s, I wanted to move back.
My parents and grandmother thought it was just homesickness, but I’d previously lived and worked outside of my hometown, so knew that this wasn’t that feeling. It was because I knew that working in Big Tech in Silicon Valley would change me into a different person and I’d never move back.
It’s been 11 years since then, and I think I’ve gotten happier with my life here now that I’ve worked at a few different jobs in Big Tech. But I’ve also missed out on so many things back home — my family, friends, social circle, and sense of belonging.
Working in the US suits me more, although I’d have more opportunities in India
I’ve interned and worked at a few other tech companies in the Valley, including PayPal, and I’m currently at a Big Tech company. Prior to my current role, I also worked in Atlanta at a midsize tech firm, and outside the industry for over four years as a data analyst in Washington, DC.
There are more opportunities in India. The tech industry’s growth rate has been phenomenal there, especially for the top companies. If I worked the same job for the same company in India, my salary would probably be about 60% of what I make here, yet I’d probably be able to save almost twice the amount I save here.
That’s because the cost of living and taxes in Silicon Valley are higher than those in India. There’s no public transportation here, so people either have to have a car or pay for Uber, which is expensive compared to India. High-quality organic food and eating out here is also more expensive, and hiring cleaning services is cheaper in India. I also have higher expenses here because of my annual trips back to see family in India.
But despite this, working in the US suits me better than working in India because of my individualistic mindset. There’s a flatter hierarchy in general, and I respond well to environments with accountability, ownership, and independence.
I also like that there’s more scope to explore restaurants with cuisines from across the world, meet people from different countries, and have access to top networking places, conferences, and classes here in the US.
I had reverse culture shock when I first went home
The first time I went back to India after three years of living in the US, I had a hard time adjusting. It was too hot for me and everything felt smaller, including my own room, where I’d lived for years. I was more sensitive to noise; it’s quieter in the US, while India is bustling with sounds all the time, so I couldn’t sleep. The air quality was also worse.
Since I was upset, I threw tantrums like a teenager. By the end of the trip, though, I realized I was at fault since I was expecting people to change their ways and norms for me when I was only visiting for a few weeks.
I decided to travel once a year to India, a promise I’ve been able to keep for the most part.
Despite these regular visits, I realize I’ve changed. I expect more silence and personal space. The summers have gotten even hotter in India, and I’ve become accustomed to air conditioning and higher-quality wifi since we have them everywhere in the US. I’ve also forgotten some customs and have done them incorrectly.
Because of my newly acquired mannerisms, preferences, habits, and life choices, it’s easy for my old social circle to see me as “the guy who’s living abroad.” If I say a word in an American way out of habit, sometimes they think that I’m doing it deliberately to show off. Or if I say something authoritatively, it’s assumed that I got that confidence from living in the US, not because that was always my personality.
I also see that I might come across as snobbish now, so I have to consciously think through how I’m coming across before I say something. Some people back home think very competitively — they’ve hinted that they think I’m just plain lucky, and if they had the opportunity, they’d do it too and much better.
I missed out on relationships
My definitions of comfort, friendship, and relationships have also changed.
Texts on WhatsApp and calls back home aren’t as effective as being in person with family and friends. WhatsApp calls can work for short chats but aren’t as good for emotional conversations. It’s difficult to assess their emotional and physical states, and there’s also a higher risk of arguments due to misunderstandings.
Sometimes, friends or family don’t share things with me because they think certain things would be better to be said in person. I also don’t share as much about my life with them as I would’ve naturally if I were around. I’ve missed many occasions where people meet and reconnect — family members’ and friends’ weddings, childbirths, and other important events of their lives.
I also didn’t evolve alongside my friends in India. I haven’t followed their timelines and feel less peer pressure. Differences in mindsets between my old friends and I have crept up over time, from food and content preferences to outlook on life.
I feel like I could’ve grown faster both materially and spiritually in the US because of the opportunities I had here, and that may not necessarily be at the same pace as the people I grew up with.
I wonder what my life would’ve been like if I stayed in India
I’m generally happy with my job and my experience working in Big Tech here.
While I have no regrets about my choice to move to the US for a tech job, part of me wonders what my life would be like now had I stayed back in India. Maybe I would’ve gone after dreams I aspired to as a teenager, like becoming an entrepreneur in tech or entertainment.
But perhaps this is a bit of wishful thinking. As a colleague here put it, “Who knows, maybe you’d have just been a failure there — so many try and fail and only a few succeed.” I don’t have any way of knowing what could’ve been.
Living somewhere new changes you internally and makes you a different person. I feel too foreign here and too foreign there. Even if I had all the resources to go back to India, it’d be different — I’ve grown apart from who I was. And as much as I really like the US, I’m not from here. I don’t have the same upbringing as many people here, so there are subtle differences in the jokes, music, pop culture references, and even habits.
One thing I’d like to do is to actualize all of my gifts and feel fully utilized, whether from a creative standpoint or a tech and business standpoint. I feel I haven’t done that much and mostly have been flailing to make ends meet and get myself into a “safer” situation by having a job, insurance, and savings.
But with the recession, there’s nothing safe, and I see that I could’ve just taken risks in the first place — on my startup idea, trying to break into the movie industry, or even taking a break to write a novel I’ve wanted to write — and I can do so even now.
When I first moved to the US, I explored different frameworks for long-term thinking, such as Jeff Bezos’s famous approach of looking at your life from the point of view of yourself at 80. I hope I can make more conscious future choices to reach an outcome that I can be happy about when I’m in my 40s, 50s, or 90s.
If you moved countries for a job and would like to share your story, email Jane Zhang at [email protected].
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