My daughter is having a beach weekend wedding. A lot of conservative friends and family will be in attendance. I’ve been looking for a special suit to wear for the beach party and found a really pretty bikini, but I’m concerned about appearing exhibitionistic or trying to look too young. I can absolutely pull this suit off, but should I? — Liz, Philadelphia
Last year, not long after she turned 50, Gabrielle Union-Wade talked to the “Who What Wear podcast” about criticism she had received on Instagram about posting lots of photos of herself in a bikini.
“Somebody said, ‘You’re old enough to be somebody’s grandma. Why are you still in, like, wearing swimsuits?’” she recalled. “I’m, like, ‘First of all, they’re not just swimsuits. They are thongs. And you’re going to see these cheeks until my ass literally falls off, and I might just wear a bikini in the coffin.’”
Later, discussing how women becoming invisible in Hollywood after age 35, she added, “We need to boldly take up space and boldly claim and acknowledge our own beauty in all that we do, instead of waiting.”
There is nothing more effective for confronting those around you with the reality of your self at any age — and all the prejudices and subconscious biases about women and age — than a bikini.
That’s why the question of “to bikini or not to bikini” is one thing if you’re at home, say, or at a friend’s pool and an entirely different one if you are at a beach or public event. And these days the question is really about psychology and sociology rather than physique.
At a home pool, the answer, of course, is simple: Wear whatever swimsuit makes you feel happy. Or no swimsuit at all, if you want. Age has absolutely nothing to do with it. Nor does body type.
At a public pool (or beach or beach club) — and as with short skirts, which I wrote about a few weeks ago — forcing such a confrontation is not without effect. In that case, the decision to go there is more complicated than merely, Do I feel good in this suit?
Then the question is more like: Will I feel good in this suit, and am I ready to deal with the unspoken judgments that will ensue?
Whether we like it or not, and whether it’s right on not, we are constantly being assessed by what we wear: in the workplace, on the beach, on the street. That’s why “street style” exists.
And there are definitely long-held biases about women showing their bodies as they age (or, for that matter, when they are young). Though magazines like People and Hello! often get excited by stories like “Celebrities Over 50 in Bikinis!” they are not particularly useful guides for the rest of us. The celebrities they show — Christie Brinkley, Paulina Porizkova, Elizabeth Hurley — are generally ones who were known for their bodies and thus distant from most people’s reality. (Often they are also on a yacht or private beach.)
Similarly, Sports Illustrated’s sudden embrace of aging cover stars on its swimsuit issues, while laudable, always shows them in one-piece suits (and often one-pieces with sarongs), so featuring them doesn’t make as big a statement as it could. See Martha Stewart’s 2023 cover or Gayle King’s in 2024.
And there is no question that, in your case, people will see wearing a bikini at a wedding pool party as a statement.
On the one hand, it’s a great way of showing younger generations (and your daughter) a potentially more liberated future and that pride in your body has nothing to do with age. On the other, you may run into judgments about taking attention away from the bride. It’s up to you how to weigh those two possibilities — and whether, on a day when there are a lot of other things to think about, this is something you want to think about at all.
Whatever you decide, however, wear it with confidence. Bikini or not, there’s no better look.
Your Style Questions, Answered
Every week on Open Thread, Vanessa will answer a reader’s fashion-related question, which you can send to her anytime via email or Twitter. Questions are edited and condensed.
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