The term “toxic relationship” is common in post-breakup stories on the internet and offline—but what does it really mean? Is it as poisonous as its name suggests?
Newsweek spoke to certified relationship coach and mental health expert Aaron Steinberg about the phenomenon of the toxic relationship, and how, despite varying interpretations, it all boils down to one thing: not being able to work as a team. Steinberg shared the most common signs and symptoms of a relationship-turned-toxic and, most importantly, offered tips for healing.
“It’s important to understand that ‘toxic relationship’ isn’t a psychiatric, therapeutic, or clinical term in any way; it’s a colloquialism that we’ve adopted so pervasively that it seems like it means something technical,” Steinberg said.
“But a toxic relationship is actually a very subjective idea. In ‘toxic’ relationships, people are wholly unable to collaborate and work together as an effective team.”
How Do You Know if Your Relationship Is Toxic?
Steinberg said that the most obvious red flag indicating a toxic relationship is the inability to collaborate. Couples who are consistently turning against each other can usually be deemed to have a toxic dynamic.
“They’re constantly picking at each other and assume the worst,” he said. “Sometimes, intense volatility is a sign, but more so it’s dismissing each other constantly and turning around their partner’s hurt into victimhood. In toxic relationships, one or both people are a constant victim…it’s always the other person’s fault.“
As a pattern, the inability to work together can become more deeply entrenched until there is “just no hope or care anymore,” Steinberg said. “The relationship feels empty, heavy and dark.”
Funnily enough, Steinberg said people can turn to most relationships on TV for examples of toxic relationships. With little communication, complaining to their friends instead of sharing with their partner and letting conflict simmer until it explodes, TV couples of all kinds embody toxic dynamics and rarely seek opportunities for improvement.
Why Do Toxic Relationships Develop?
Steinberg said toxic relationships can develop for two reasons—one may be obvious from the get-go, while the other takes time to come to terms with.
“The first [reason] is if one or both people come in with no capacity to have a good relationship with anyone,” Steinberg said. “They may completely shut down or dismiss their partner whenever any feedback is brought up. They may regularly gaslight them or engage in emotionally abusive behavior.
“The other reason is because both people don’t have the relational skill to get through or accept the repeating issues that all relationships have.”
In relationships, it is inevitable that two partners will not always be on the same page. Steinberg said that the difference between a toxic and healthy dynamic lies in how a couple navigates these differences.
“Relationships live and die based on how couples deal with these dynamics,” he said. “If they cannot work together to creatively meet both people’s needs, they will tend to become more and more dissatisfied and the relationship will erode into turmoil, betrayal or tolerating immense disconnection.”
What To Do if You or Someone You Know Is in a Toxic Relationship
If you worry someone you love is in a toxic relationship, Steinberg urged discretion. Sometimes, someone else’s relationship dynamics may not feel normal to you—but that doesn’t mean they’re not working.
“There is a big difference between a toxic relationship and something that doesn’t match our personal values, but sometimes many of us are not able to tell the difference,” Steinberg said.
“If you feel sure they are, it’s probably useful not to use the term ‘toxic’ but share simply that you’re concerned about their relationship. Then, it’s very important to give specific, not exaggerated, dynamics you’ve witnessed that concern you.”
When approaching a loved one in a potentially toxic dynamic, it’s important to think in shades of gray: it’s possible the relationship is not all bad, and validating the good parts of a loved one’s relationship may make them more receptive to an open conversation, he said.
If any of Steinberg’s explanations resonate with you, however, it may be time to gather your own feedback.
“Share with trusted friends that you’re worried and see what they think,” he said. “Once you have the immediate feedback, you should get professional support from a therapist or couples’ practitioner. Your main goal is to collect as much data as possible about whether the relationship has any hope.”
While it is possible to heal from a toxic relationship dynamic while remaining in it, Steinberg said it’s not easy.
“It requires both people to pivot their perspective significantly and inhabit a humility that most people are not very capable of,” he said. “When people come into my office with toxic dynamics, I’m looking for a very specific set of behaviors that demonstrate they’re able to turn it around.”
These behaviors include shifting from a mindset of “victimhood” to one of seeing your own shortcomings and improving communication.
Couples can track these shifts over time to see if the work is, well, working—but Steinberg said to remember that healing is not linear. “Improvement and healing isn’t a straight line up, even if you’re doing it very well,” he said.
“There will be exasperated moments and bumps in the road, but the question is if you’re feeling more connected, more secure and more like a team over time.”
If one or neither of you are not willing nor able to do this work, Steinberg said it’s best to leave the relationship behind—after you know you’ve done all you can do.
“What you want to know is that you’ve done everything in your power to understand the issues, fix them, and that if and when you need to leave it, you feel sure that it was the right choice,” he said.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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